I was going to stop all my bad habits for the new year
Then I remembered nobody likes a quitter.
My son kept singing the first line to the Spider-Man song over and over. So we took him to the doctor who gave us the bad news:
Our son was trapped in the spider-verse.
I let my out of town girlfriend know her vegetable service delivered a package today and I had some bad news.
She asked what had happened to it,
I told her the box had a leek in it.
Why do people always make you to sit down before they tell you bad news?
Because they know that you won't stand for it.
Did you hear about the new Batman villain who tells really bad puns?
They call him the Dad Joker
A confectioner just couldn’t break bad news to anyone
He kept sugarcoating everything
Do you want the good news or the bad news?
The bad news is: theres no good news.
The bad news is I broke my leg
The good news is I aced my IHOP interview
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please.
Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
Bad news for agoraphobics,
a cure is just around the corner!
A guy wakes up from surgery. "How'd it go, Doc?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg...
The good news is that your other leg is all better."
A dad is given bad news by a doctor...
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.
Dad: AND?
I got a call at work the other day from a doctor at the hospital. He says "I have some bad news... It looks like your wife has been hit by a bus."
I said "But she has a great personality."
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” “Ten…” the doctor says slowly.
“Nine... eight… seven...”
I got some bad news yesterday. My ex got hit by a car
and my license got suspended.
Bad and Good News
I went to the doctor. He says, “I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?”
I thought about it and said, “the good news?”
He says, “they’re naming a disease after you.”
I have a bit of bad news to share about Gandhi.
You know he fasted a lot, which made him skinny and frail. He also walked barefoot for most of his life. Spent a lot of time pondering life's imponderable mysteries. Oh, and they say he had bad breath. In other words, I guess Gandhi was a super-fragile calloused mystic suffering halitosis.
I just heard some bad news about Subway’s 6 inch sub.
They aren’t going to make them any longer.
A new study reveals that listening to a Queen album might be bad for your health.
Because of the unusually high Mercury content.
You thought other puns were bad? wait until you (sorry I dunno how to add text to images and i'm new to reddit)
Breaking News: A turtleneck seller is to appear in court for selling his turtlenecks to the public, and just killing so many turtles. And sweater or not he wins, he was really a bad salesman.
A woman goes up to her boyfriend and says "honey, I have some bad news for you. I'm pregnant". He looks her with tears of joy and pride in his eyes and says ...
So I just had my first day at my new job at Subway... My boss told me they've never seen someone as bad as me...
Unfortunately I’ve some bad news to report about shortcakes.
They are not going to make them any longer.
My friend’s girlfriend wrote “Will you marry me?” on a piece of paper and hid it in his sandwich. Bad news: He didn’t see it and ate the whole thing.
Good news: He pooped the question the next morning.
I made waffles this morning, but I have some bad news...
I forgot the W and they turned out awful.
What did the tailor say when he was given some bad news?
“That’s a lot to take in.”
I had a bad experience at the new Mediterranean food place. Needless to say, I falafel about my decision.
Bad news for a barista
A barista kept serving decaf coffee to customers that wanted it regular. After repeated warnings from the shop owner to stop doing it, the barista was fired.
Would you believe me if I said the barista thought they had the wrong grounds to fire him?
I just got back from my doctor. He told me he had good news and bad news.
He said, "The good news is, you have twenty four hours left to live."
I said, "Doctor, what do you mean?! If that's the good news, what's the bad news?"
My doctor said, "Well, I forgot to call you yesterday."
The invention of the alley really opened up new avenues. Too bad they were too narrow
I got some bad news this weekend. My Uncle Mark was sent to the hospital again.
He just can't stop hitting himself.
Too bad what happened to the new telephone line repairman...
Poor guy got suspended on his first day.
I promise not to make any bad new year's Eve jokes
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please.
Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please.
Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news
The good news is there’s no bad news, the bad news is there’s no good news.
Do you want the good news or the bad news?
The good news is there is no bad news.
The bad news is there is no good news.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Me: Bad news first.
Doc: You have an inoperable brain tumor.
Me: And the good news.
Doc: It’s all in your head.
The doctor tells the patient that he has some good news and some bad news...
Patient: Tell me the bad news first!
Doctor: Sure. The bad news is that there is no good news.
Patient: Well? What is the good news then?
Doctor: That there is no bad news either.
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