I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first?

If good;

The good news is there is no bad news.

If bad;

The bad news is there is no good news.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/older-and-wider
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Doctor: β€œSir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: "and?"

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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I let my out of town girlfriend know her vegetable service delivered a package today and I had some bad news.

She asked what had happened to it,

I told her the box had a leek in it.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CptnBo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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My son kept singing the first line to the Spider-Man song over and over. So we took him to the doctor who gave us the bad news:

Our son was trapped in the spider-verse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Why do people always make you to sit down before they tell you bad news?

Because they know that you won't stand for it.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RippiHunti
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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A confectioner just couldn’t break bad news to anyone

He kept sugarcoating everything

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redbanditttttttt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Did you hear about the new Batman villain who tells really bad puns?

They call him the Dad Joker

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeknep
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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The bad news is I broke my leg

The good news is I aced my IHOP interview

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scooby_dyver
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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Bad news for agoraphobics,

a cure is just around the corner!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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bad news
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ibis1126
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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Did you hear about the guy handing out Bayer to those who are told bad news? /r/Jokes/comments/exjm59/…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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I got a call at work the other day from a doctor at the hospital. He says "I have some bad news... It looks like your wife has been hit by a bus."

I said "But she has a great personality."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Picker-Rick
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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β€œI’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. β€œYou’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” β€œOh, that’s terrible!” says the man. β€œGive it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” β€œTen…” the doctor says slowly.

β€œNine... eight… seven...”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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I got some bad news yesterday. My ex got hit by a car

and my license got suspended.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Bad and Good News

I went to the doctor. He says, β€œI have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?”

I thought about it and said, β€œthe good news?”

He says, β€œthey’re naming a disease after you.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oldbizmark
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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I have a bit of bad news to share about Gandhi.

You know he fasted a lot, which made him skinny and frail. He also walked barefoot for most of his life. Spent a lot of time pondering life's imponderable mysteries. Oh, and they say he had bad breath. In other words, I guess Gandhi was a super-fragile calloused mystic suffering halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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I just heard some bad news about Subway’s 6 inch sub.

They aren’t going to make them any longer.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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A new study reveals that listening to a Queen album might be bad for your health.

Because of the unusually high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2018
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Breaking News: A turtleneck seller is to appear in court for selling his turtlenecks to the public, and just killing so many turtles. And sweater or not he wins, he was really a bad salesman.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BitGouda
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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You thought other puns were bad? wait until you (sorry I dunno how to add text to images and i'm new to reddit)
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moneybrainz99
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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A woman goes up to her boyfriend and says "honey, I have some bad news for you. I'm pregnant". He looks her with tears of joy and pride in his eyes and says ...

"Hi pregnant, I'm dad"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thezekroman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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Unfortunately I’ve some bad news to report about shortcakes.

They are not going to make them any longer.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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My friend’s girlfriend wrote β€œWill you marry me?” on a piece of paper and hid it in his sandwich. Bad news: He didn’t see it and ate the whole thing.

Good news: He pooped the question the next morning.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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I made waffles this morning, but I have some bad news...

I forgot the W and they turned out awful.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MichaelJAwesome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2017
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Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news? reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Big-LOU_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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So I just had my first day at my new job at Subway... My boss told me they've never seen someone as bad as me...

Oh shit, wrong sub!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LupusIP
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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What did the tailor say when he was given some bad news?

β€œThat’s a lot to take in.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dizmodo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
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Dad, I have good news and bad news.

Give me the good news first, It’s always great to hear good news! The airbags in your car work really well πŸ‘πŸΎ

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yubimarcano
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
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Bad news for a barista

A barista kept serving decaf coffee to customers that wanted it regular. After repeated warnings from the shop owner to stop doing it, the barista was fired.

Would you believe me if I said the barista thought they had the wrong grounds to fire him?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manchking
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
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I just got back from my doctor. He told me he had good news and bad news.

He said, "The good news is, you have twenty four hours left to live."

I said, "Doctor, what do you mean?! If that's the good news, what's the bad news?"

My doctor said, "Well, I forgot to call you yesterday."

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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I had a bad experience at the new Mediterranean food place. Needless to say, I falafel about my decision.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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The invention of the alley really opened up new avenues. Too bad they were too narrow
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pirate_of_the_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2016
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I got some bad news this weekend. My Uncle Mark was sent to the hospital again.

He just can't stop hitting himself.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fcdjr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2015
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Too bad what happened to the new telephone line repairman...

Poor guy got suspended on his first day.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tribunal_Power
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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I promise not to make any bad new year's Eve jokes

For the rest of the year

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/James75196
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
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Do you want the good news or the bad news?

The bad news is: theres no good news.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A dad is given bad news by a doctor...

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news

The good news is there’s no bad news, the bad news is there’s no good news.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thehypetrainz6
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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Do you want the good news or the bad news?

The good news is there is no bad news.

The bad news is there is no good news.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MiloDinoStylo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Me: Bad news first.

Doc: You have an inoperable brain tumor.

Me: And the good news.

Doc: It’s all in your head.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coot32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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The doctor tells the patient that he has some good news and some bad news...

Patient: Tell me the bad news first!

Doctor: Sure. The bad news is that there is no good news.

Patient: Well? What is the good news then?

Doctor: That there is no bad news either.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coldwaterguy12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2017
🚨︎ report

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