I created a punny discord

So I wanted to learn puns, but I didn't find any good discord server where you could meat with people and practice or learn new puns, so I decided to create such a server where we can all hopefully learn how to pun. If you would like to join here's a link: https://discord.gg/hVBqM7hn9r

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Neimit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amalgamxtc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

The news was hard for me to hear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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Is this sub still active?

Haven't seen anyone post all year!

(Happy New Year from Australia everyone!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shauntp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first?

If good;

The good news is there is no bad news.

If bad;

The bad news is there is no good news.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/older-and-wider
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Got a new tattoo

My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bosozokulove
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from prison?

News paper headline read β€œsmall medium at large”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frozeneskimo02
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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Heroine

I walked into a substance abuse clinic for my second meeting yesterday. The doctor knew I had a severe crush on women super heros...today he told me the news.

"Sir I'm afraid it's dire, you need to be checked in immediately for your heroine addiction"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flameman1995
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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What do you call a pig from New York?

A New Porker...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brady01234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef

A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef. He invites 3 renowned chefs from all over the kingdom to serve him and the favorite will become the new royal chef!

The first chef serves the king an enormous rack of ribs. "Very impressive," said the king.

The second chef serves a huge steak, cooked to perfection. "So satisfying," said the king.

The third chef gives the king a plate with small rocks on a bed of shredded cabbage. "What the hell is this," the king asks.

The third chef says, "These rocks fell from the sky into my back yard. Indeed, ribs and steak are very meaty, but asteroids are meteor!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ppardee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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A new father goes to a club that helps adjust to fatherhood

Receptionist: Hello and welcome to the NDA, or New Dad Association, how may I help you today?

Dad: Can I tell other people about this?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dylans2090
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it...

I probably should have told her about the new electric fence..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TylerDurdenSEA
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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A chicken walks into a library

It goes up to the librarian and says "bok." The shocked librarian looks at the chicken and says, "Excuse me, what?" and the chicken repeats, "bok."

The librarian thinks a moment before asking, "You want a book?" The chicken nods and says, "bok," so the librarian goes and gives the chicken a book, and it walks out.

A few minutes later the chicken struts back in and says "bok bok." The librarian, still shocked, asks if it wants two books, to which the chicken replies, "bok bok." So the librarian gets two more books and gives them to the chicken.

A few more minutes pass and the chicken walks back up to the front desk, saying "bok bok bok." The librarian nods and fetches three more books, but this time decides to follow the chicken outside.

Tailing the chicken, she watches as it walks out to the parking lot, where a frog is sitting by a pile of books. When the chicken lays the new delivery before it, the frog takes one look and says, "reddit, reddit!"

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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Not to get all political in this sub, but...

Did you guys know that the guy who was recently pepper sprayed by Portland's mayor is a big dairy heir?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DieFlavourMouse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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If you ever get the chance to go to India

You have to try their New Delhi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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Selling coffins is a dead end job and any discouraged sales person should

undertake a new career.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bardbelle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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When I was 15 my parents told me I was adopted.

And that I'd be meeting my new parents that afternoon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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"Do you know what?"

My kids have gotten to saying this a bunch, so now I reply like a dad...

"Oh ya! We went to the same New Year's party once."

"Sure! He makes the best crab dip."

"Big beard? Lousy tipper?"

"The tattoo guy?"

"Biblically."

"Gave him a 5-star Uber review."

"He was the best man at my wedding."

"I think I owe him $20."

"The bouncer at the club!? How do YOU know him?"

"Doesn't he work at the bakery next to PetSmart?"

"I heard he once punched a cop and broke his nose!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uncorked119
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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Chemist 1 : Hey, try this new soda I like so much.

Chemist 1 : Hey, try this new soda I like so much.

Chemist 2 : takes litmus paper and dips it into the glass

Chemist 1 : You don’t trust me?

Chemist 2 : It was just a lye detector test.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lonevolffe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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Trump : Nothing is built in America anymore....

.....I just bought this new t.v. and it said, "Built in Antenna" I don't even know where that is!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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My family didn't have the appetite for my dessert puns. Please to enjoy!

Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke it’s leg?

Gingersnap


Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookies’ drawings?

Snickerdoodle


Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakery’s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?

Shortbread


Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?

Angel food


Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?

Peach cobbler


Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?

Baked Alaska


Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?

German chocolate


Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?

Lemon bars


Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?

Fondant


Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?

Sherbet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fyrefrog25
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Bumblebees can fly higher than Mount Everest

Well, I don't think a mountain can fly, but you learn new things every day.

Borrowed from r/Awwducational so title is a fact

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danuser8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?

PurΓ©e!!!

(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronGaben
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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What did Delaware?

Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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My wife and I are furries. Today she told me she has been cheating on me with another furry...

She was just so deer to me, I found the news hard to bear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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8 y/o, "Dad, what does the space needle sew?"

Me, "I dunno, what?"

Her, "The fabric of space time!"

She told me that while we were watching the new years show at the space needle lol.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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I went to my best friend's wedding today. He is an awesome fisher. I like him a lot and always come with the finest catch.

But something is very fishy with his new betrouthed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bloodoolf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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What do you call recently made noodles

New-dels!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jagerisgood11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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Hey girl!! Are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you everyday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown

So you can start the New Year off on the right foot

Edit: Thanks for the silver

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crustydog19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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How are chiropractors and public relations specialists alike?

One is a spine doctor and the other is a spin doctor, but both give things a new twist!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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did you hear that portobello moved away?

He couldn't stand his shroommates

But maybe it's for better. His new apartment is way shroomier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GentleMonsta
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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Joe Biden and Kamala Harris go out for a morning run together

Kamala finishes in just under twelve minutes and Joe is already waiting for her at the finish line.

"How'd you do?" she asks him.

"I finished in 10 minutes and 46 seconds. That's got to be a new record among Presidents, right?"

"No" Kamala replies. "Bush did 9:11".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chainsmoker88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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My doctor told me I'm going deaf

The news was very hard to hear

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeytherealking
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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My doctor told me I was going deaf.

The news was hard for me to hear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sowewenthome
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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If you ever get the chance to go to India

You have to try their New Delhi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

The news was hard for me to hear.

πŸ‘︎ 576
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FBI_Official_Acct
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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