95 Puns

I told her thats dirt cheap

It just happened. I'm evolving

she got a nickleback

"Here's your Nickleback."

Yes, he’s pretty green.

He always drank right from the bottle.

The ocean keeps its sea crits.

I said, "$9.95? That's nut tin, honey."

so when you pay, you usually get a nickel back.

But $52.94 is an evenly specific amount of money

All he had to do was round them up.

Riceless.

Those are the Pie-Rates of the Caribbean

Ba dum tiss

$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio

But there is a 95% chance you won’t get it.

Chemist says, "Sure, that'll be 95 cents!"

Duck: "Put it on my bill please."

95% percent of people don't notice when you replace a word with an instrument.

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99 =945 !!!!! Ba dum tss!!!

So at the cafe that I work at, we have these punch cards, where, when you buy ten drinks, you get a free one. This customer rolls up through our drive through and this happens:

Customer: "Can I get a large white mocha with whip?"

Coworker: "Sure thing! That will be $3.95 today."

Customer: pulls out full punch card "You mean FREE ninety five?"

Oh my god.

Edit: I acedentally a word

Mom's Text to Dad - "My phone says it will be 95 on Saturday. I don't know what to do."

...

Dad's Reply - "Wish it a Happy Birthday."

...a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

Credit goes to an excellent joke making friend of mine

"Look at this!" I said. "It contains 95% fat!"

She replied, "You're just pointing at me in a mirror."

The scene where Max is grabbed by the Pole Cat,

http://cdn.collider.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/mad-max-fury-road-image-the-war-rig.jpg

and ends up getting dumped onto the car with the drums and guitar guy

http://i.guim.co.uk/static/w-620/h--/q-95/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2015/3/31/1427821675682/5e25da37-61d7-44fd-a9a3-b2f5b8b5a791-620x372.jpeg

I leaned over to my GF and said "It looks like he's jumped onto... the bandwagon" She totally lost it :)

[Driving down an unfamiliar part of I-95 highway with family (wife, 15yo son and 15yo daughter) when I had this conversation with my son:]

Son: Dad, where are we?

Me: Florida.

Son: No, Dad, more specific than that. Where are we?

Me : (reading exit sign) Wickham Road.

Son: Where's Wickham Road?

Me: (pause a bit for effect) Florida...

Son: (frustrated grunt) No, Dad, what town are we in?

Me: (reading exit sign again) Viera.

Son: How far is that from Vero? [our destination]

Me: About three letters.

[Satisfactory groans throughout car. Very pleased with self.]

True story:

Took my stepdad to dinner at Cracker Barrel with my mom and gf on Father's Day. There was an advertisement on our table for a birdbath they were selling in the store part of the restaurant.

Mom (seeing that it was $49.95): "I wonder how big that birdbath is?"

Gf: "I think it's about this big" (holds arms in a circle indicating about 18 inches around)

Mom: "That's actually not a bad deal"

Stepdad: "Well, yeah, but where are the birds gonna get fifty bucks?"

o.o

95% of conversations between me & my aunt turn into pun wars.

Enjoy!

https://i.imgur.com/aGooknb.jpg

I'm an EMT and I was doing paperwork. My partner walks up to me with the vitals of a patient. BP was done with an automated cuff. Me: What's the blood pressure? Him: 165/95 Me: That's odd, heart rate? Him: 77 Me: Odd, respirations? Him: 16, is that odd too? Me: No, that's even.

I found it hilarious.

Beer nuts are a $1.95 and deer nuts are under a buck.

Dad sent this yesterday. Ouch.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/3cudy0/iama_95_yr_old_ww2_vet_43rd_navy_construction/csz6dyc?context=1

I was driving to school this morning at around 6:00 am, and I hear on the local radio station (Connie & Curtis on 95.7 in the GR area) and they started talking about /r/dadjokes. I thought that was pretty cool that this sub was recognized!

I start with just having a normal conversation like normal people do while I wait for an opportune time to slip in this story of mine.

The Story:

Did you hear about that kid on the bridge with the brick about a year ago? Yeah, this kid was apparently on an overpass for I-95 (nearby interstate. Locality makes it believable.) with a brick tied to a rope. He just sat there swinging it at passing cars, breaking their windshields just for a laugh. Eventually, the brick got caught in one and didn't come back out like it usually did. Instead, this time, the rope got wrapped around his arm and the sudden yank pulled his arm clean off. The driver tried to sue, but got nowhere because it was a kid. However, the driver was arrested for armed robbery.

Gets groans every time.

90 + 91 + 92 + 93 + 94 + 95 + 96 + 97 + 98 + 99 = 945

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99 = 945