My teacher told me to begin studying things with a pH higher than 7.

She always tells me to start with the basic stuff.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alex13104
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Question About Empanadas...

So there is this super amazing girl, and she loves two things. Puns and empanadas. I want to ask her to prom while gifting her with many beef empanadas, but I really want to find a pun to use on her as I present the tray of food. Do you guys have any empanada based puns?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/floormat1000
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2016
🚨︎ report
I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastπŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was kidnapped by mimes once

They did unspeakable things to me

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IS3OO
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the depressed ghost?

He's going through some things.

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gunnrhildr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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What's a word that doesn't rhyme with itself?

Football, chocolate... I dunno, lots of things don't rhyme with "itself".

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UristMasterRace
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The Norse god of mischief only had private birthday parties.

He kept things pretty low key.

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and hears a small voice say "your hair looks great today!" He's confused, but dismisses it. After a minute, he hears the voice again after asking for a drink "wow! A whiskey? Good choice!" Once again, he shook it off. After a few more drinks, he hears the voice a final time "wow, you really know your way round a bar!" Annoyed, he walks up to the bartender. "Ever since I walked into this bar, I've been hearing this tiny voice saying really nice things about me. Do you hear it too?" The bartender looks at him and says "oh, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatArtisticGeek
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Thought of this while on drugs.

Things you say at a celebrity brothel and at a custom tailors. " yeah, how much is Chris Hemsworth? "

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrashFoxSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Just got a crystal ball for Christmas. But I think it's kind of useless.

According to this thing, everyone's future just involves a stormy little cabin with a snowman out front.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/duckbeachdog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I accidentally sat on a campfire the other day

It was the most ember assing thing that has ever happened to me

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rustyironbuckets
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave my ex wife my old vacuum

Jokes on her the thing really sucked

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/handsoffmynuts08
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar

And things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Going to the foot doctor tomorrow.

Don't often think about my feet. They are usually the furthest thing from my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
"Dad! Help! I've been turned into a Water Jug!"

Dad: "You pour thing."

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanilakodey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are so many movies made in america?

...Because they like shooting things

πŸ‘︎ 368
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plopperdinger
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Tennessee?

Same thing as what Arkansas

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was a little puzzled when I suddenly bought some new beads for her abacus. Smiling, I said to her...

"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My goldfish looked really skinny, so I added some steroids to the aquarium water.

Now things are Hunky Dory.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A Funeral

A woman is at her husband’s funeral, and asks some friends of her late husband up to the podium to say some things honouring him.

Man 1 walks up to the podium, and says one word: β€œPlethora.” He steps down and walks by the widow, who says: β€œThanks; that means a lot.”

Man 2 now goes up to the podium, and says β€œBargain.” Then, as he leaves the podium and walks by the widow, she whispers to him: β€œThanks; that means a great deal.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AntiNumbskull
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
You know there's no official training for garbagemen?

They just pick things up as they go along.

πŸ‘︎ 205
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
First, I posted this on r/jokes but it didn't get much love. Then I realized I posted it on the wrong joke sub. Y'all love the punny jokes, so here you go:

Why are lamb chops a thing? Why do we have a food named after a baby animal?

Would you ever eat something called puppy steak? Or kitten burger? Or chick fillet?

oh wait.........

Credit goes to Matt from Studio C

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lickedy_Split_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy told me the size of my heart matters more than my physical size.

Good thing I went to the cardiologist before the gym.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kngfbng
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.

But that sort of thing stick in your mind.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a comedian who can’t remember the punchline

Idk I’m the one who’s asking

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kidsdyinginside
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was going into labor and kept frantically shouting, "Call me an ambulance! Call me an ambulance!"

So I said, "You're an ambulance."

What a strange thing to say

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I just ended a 5 year old relationship.

Good thing it wasn't mine.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Oral-B

Oral-B

Was sitting with my SO watching tv and an Oral-B commercial comes onto the screen. The commercial plays saying all the great things about their toothbrush, how effective it is against plaque buildup and that 9/10 dentist recommend it etc. after listening for a minute I look over at my SO and say β€œwell it better be good, ORAL-B disappointed!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maddryad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m working on my patience...

Good thing I’m not a doctor, you don’t want that many patients.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Warrenni
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was kidnapped by a mime

He did unspeakable things to her

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My TV started playing random Netflix shows. It was weird...

But I’ve seen Stranger Things

πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
2020 Puns for this years Holiday cards

So I am trying to think of something to put on our family’s Christmas card. The only thing I can think of is β€œhindsight is 2020”.

I am however 100% sure you amazing people can come up with something much better for this dumpster fire of a year.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shosh27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My #1 Concern with my Bear Ranch is...

things could get grizzly.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drlolbl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
2 fish are in a tank

One says to the other. How do we drive this thing

πŸ‘︎ 332
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darthchimchar64
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Tennessee?

The same thing that Arkansas

πŸ‘︎ 198
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,

Things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Kleptomaniacs never understand jokes.

They always take things, literally.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/halokost
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...

I said: β€œIf you think that’s the end, you’ve got another thing coming!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yurgenbeard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
This guy was driving on the left side of the road

He just didn't choose the right thing

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youse_tobail32
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to stop cross dressing.

So I packed her things and left.

πŸ‘︎ 598
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dm-me-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was attacked by a mime

He did unspeakable things to me.

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me I have a bad sense of direction.

I packed up my things and right!

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report

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