I wrote a card for my friend who just graduated high school and wants to study geology and/or paleontology in college. She also likes puns :)
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 26 2020
There was an accident in the Paleontology section of a Natural History Museum where multiple dinosaur skeletons collapsed and were broken beyond repair. The directors of the museum were concerned that visitors wouldn't visit that section anymore ...
but visitors still showed up to view the
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jul 22 2019
I should have bought stock in lumber, but hindsight is 2020
https://imgur.com/gallery/o6IZNXX
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 07 2021
I see where this is going
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 09 2021
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ May 01 2021
Whatβs the official bird of 2020?
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 15 2021
In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ May 08 2021
In honor of Motherβs Day, Iβd just like to say,
βthank you for your cervix.β
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 09 2021
I've started a boat building business in my attic...
...sails are going through the roof.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ May 13 2021
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
π︎ 10k
π
︎ May 05 2021
When my grandkids ask, "Grandpa, how did you survive in 2020 when there was no toilet paper?"
I'm going to try them, "We had go outside & drag our butts across the lawn. ( Like the dog does on the carpet.)
Up hill!
Both ways!!!"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
π︎ 3k
π
︎ May 07 2021
3 in 1
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
In 2017 I didn't jog. In 2018 I didn't jog. In 2019 I didn't jog. In 2020 I still haven't jogged.
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
Falling in love is dangerous.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ May 03 2021
With the pandemic, we all had to fight through 2020.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 07 2021
Whatβs the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Apr 13 2021
My socially anxious friend just got a PhD in palindrome studies.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
Get that extra pep in your step from this well
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
The cast of βFriendsβ got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Apr 13 2021
I am reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 01 2021
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
And just like that, 2020 won. Better start trainimg for the rematch in 12 months...it will be 2020 two.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
π︎ 575
π
︎ May 09 2021
Is this sub still active?
Haven't seen anyone post all year!
(Happy New Year from Australia everyone!)
π︎ 20k
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 12 2021
After all my travel in 2020 was cancelled, I'm now facing the COVID reality that my Spring Break trip is not going to happen either. I just told my suitcases this sad fact...
...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
A cheese factory had exploded in France
There was nothing left but de Brie.
π︎ 291
π
︎ May 07 2021
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
π︎ 1k
π
︎ May 09 2021
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
π︎ 332
π
︎ May 12 2021
Why did Karl Marx write in all lowercase letters?
Because he hated capitalism
π︎ 1k
π
︎ May 03 2021
What do you call the three inseparable friends in 2020?
π︎ 37
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
What's the highest rank in the popcorn army?
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 17 2021
2020 in a nutshell.
π︎ 114
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
During breakfast, my dad said, βLet me sum up 2020 in one word.β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
π︎ 353
π
︎ May 14 2021
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
π︎ 311
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
Live savings spent in a second
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a a wizard approached the counter...
He said "Do I get any money off for having this big stick?"
I said "No sir, we don't offer staff discount".
π︎ 662
π
︎ May 07 2021
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
Why there are less female voters in 2020 elections? Because of....
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.