It was a lovely service...
I was worried, as I'm a bit of a mutt.
She says she didn't care as long as I didn't have Roman hands or Russian fingers.
He then looks at me and says "marital navigation, Nagigation".
All while planning next year's big trip to Disneyland.
Wife: We can make our daughter wear a dress!
MiL: Yeah she could wear a tu-tu!
Me: Well if we're going all out, why don't we just get her a three-three!
eyes roll
MiL to Wife: You know you could wear a tu-tu too!
Me: The math still adds up, so we are getting a three-three!
groans
Wife: Shut up.
Thanks, I'm here all week.
My FIL responded "Pull hard."
He used the patch.
Romans
Doing a crossword yesterday with FIL, MIL & GIL.
FIL says "Hey did you know I completed The Times crossword the other day apart from one clue" (For those of you who don't know The Times crossword is like one of the hardest crosswords)
MIL: "Go on then tell me the clue, I bet I'll work it out"
FIL: "Ok, the clue was "Heavily laden postman"
MIL: "How many letters?"
FIL: "Hundreds and Hundreds I would imagine"
Dead
My MiL received this unsolicited fax at her office. My wife suggested she should fax something clever back. She delivered.
So we were sitting at at the table having hotdogs for dinner. My mother-in-law and I then both went to ask my daughter for something at the same time, me for the sauce and the MIL for my daughters glasses so she can clean them. Then we ended up taking turns asking
My MIL then commented that it was good that we didn't ask at the same time otherwise she would be cleaning the bottle and I would be trying to put glasses on the hot dog.
My wife then turned to me and said "Then it would be a Seeing Eye Dog!" And promptly burst out laughing.
This was made all the more special, since my wife is only now just coming out of a 5 year melancholic depression. Yay!
EDIT: Changed wording to make it clearer. Thank you very much from both myself and my wife for all your positive thoughts. :)
Went to visit the in-laws, and as soon as we walk in the door
Mother-in-law: So, JustAPaddy, what are you upto?
Me: Oh, about 6'1"
My father-in-law laughed hard and pats me on the shoulder, we are the only two that laughed... my wife and MIL groaned
Both being from Texas, the MIL wanted something BIG and fancy. And the BTB wanted more of a traditional outdoors gathering. They couldn't even agree on what to serve their guests for dinner. As the date approached, they were barely speaking to each other.
In the end, it was a chili reception.
My young daughter is still learning to microwave food. She attempted to reheat some of her food last night, but left the fork in the bowl. The wife caught it and pointed out that it could cause the microwave to explode and potentially hit grandma who was sitting with her back to the microwave.
Wife (to daughter): "You wouldn't want Grandmom to get hit by glass shrapnel and a fork would you?"
Me (interjecting): "Well, at least then I would have a reason to say your Mom is really forked in the head."
The MIL nearly choked on her food, but laughed and could appreciate the joke. She know she cray cray.
On my way out to the backyard grill...
Mother-in-law: What did you say?
Me: I said I almost forgot the lighter.
MIL: Oh, I thought you said you needed the ladder.
Me: That's right, I need the ladder. Because the steaks have never been higher.
FIL, MIL, wife and I are in a car looking for a parking space, FIL driving. We're in a packed parking lot and he says to everyone, "look for a parking spot."
I point to a row of cars and say "there's a bunch right there!"
Wife says "none are empty, though."
I say "Yeah, but they're parking spots!"
FIL gave me the stink eye and sighed
The wife and I had her mother over whilst eating dinner, a la Taco Bell.
After trying some of our daughter's food, my wife insists that it is way spicier than she expected, and proceeds to tell my mother in law she has to try it - Saying "I think it's spicy nacho sauce."
After a moment or so, I piped up "I wouldn't know, it isn't my sauce." and put on my best I made a pun face.
MIL loses it, and my wife looks confused for a few seconds and goes to offer me a taste before the groaning ensued. Victory!
I was at my in laws this weekend, and for mother's day my MIL wanted us to go to church with her. I'm not religious, but fine, whatever you want. The problem is that neither my wife or I brought "church clothes," with us for the visit. It was unexpected.
So we're sitting in the church and my wife is talking to her dad.
"Dad, I'm just happy I have a pair of jeans that aren't all ripped up! I didn't plan on this at all!"
"Oh, hunny, don't worry. Any pair of pants would have been holy once you walked in."
Massive grin. Then back to serious, because Jesus, I guess.
Mil woka woka waukee
I was at my in laws yesterday and I had an epic comeback.
MIL: I'm having pizza for dinner.
Me: Yeah and you'll get a pizza that tastes like a pizza. (She said she likes her pizza to taste like a pizza none of that BBQ chicken pizza stuff)
MIL: Ok. Coming from Mr Picky who didn't eat anything before he came into my family.
Me: The only thing I came into was your daughter.
To add to it all my wife is pregnant.
Yesterday I was in the grocery store with my MIL, right by the lettuce section. A woman grabbed a bag of lettuce at the top of the case (just above her head), fumbled and somehow managed to knock it with the back of her hand, sending it flying into another case and onto the floor.
Without missing a beat, I turned to my MIL and said, "Hey look, tossed salad!".
And yes, I laughed at my own joke. :)
I officially became a dad tonight, so I guess these are official dad jokes now.
MIL: You haven't ate anything today, are you hungry?
Me: No, I'm Mick(my name)
Me and my FIL are the only ones who laughed :/
Another one my FIL hit me with, but I didn't know if it was for sure a dad joke.
Me: They couldn't tell from the ultrasound, that's why they told us the baby was going to be a girl.
FIL: Well, at least we know he has your genes
:(
Dad: Wow, Milwaukee is a long ways away from home. This is going to be a long trip home.
Me: ...
Dad: You know how we could get home faster?
Me: How?
Dad: Mil-runny!
We were sitting at the dinner table tonight celebrating my father-in-law's (FIL) 66th birthday. My mother-in-law (MIL) made his favorite dinner: meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and creamed corn, but since I hate creamed corn they also made peas.
It happened that everyone at the table except for my MIL took peas, and she decided to comment.
MIL: "Wow, I see just about everyone took peas and not creamed corn!"
FIL: "I took a little bit of both."
Me: "Thank you for giving peas a chance."
My wife sighed and I think it went over MIL's head, but FIL and I exchanged knowing dad glances. Today, I am a dad.
While bottlefeeding my 1-mo old daughter, sometimes she will hold both her arms straight out as she feeds.
My wife commented on this and wondered aloud why she does that -- my MIL said without missing a beat:
"She likes to eat a balanced breakfast."
FIL: "Going for a ride, back in a bit" MIL: "Okay, be safe. Make sure to watch your shoulder" FIL: "But if I watch my shoulder how can I see where I'm going? Doesn't seem safe to me" MIL: ...groan
MIL: G, your owl hat is so pretty. You know who else loves owls? Cousin B!
FIL: Who?
MIL: B.
FIL: Who?
Everyone: B.
FIL: Who?
I was over at my MIL's with my wife and my MIL's boyfriend. We got on the subject of how my wife hates cold, chunky food. The rest of the conversation went like this
Mbf: "They make a toothpaste for that. It's called sensodyne.
Wife: " I have tried it, but it didn't work."
Me: "No. It's sensodyne, not Trident."
I also think I stopped my wife from punching the Mbf, because he hates him and he always thinks he has the answer to thinks. So... dadjoked stopped my wife from assaulting someone.
