L'invasion des Huns
Husband: βLa vieβ
So there was a murderer and his name was Ardy. His last name was too long and complicated and everyone knew him in town, so everyone called him "Ardy". One of his buddies asked him to kill this guy for $3000 and after Ardy did a bit of research, he realized he knew him and had a grudge against him for years. So Ardy told the guy: "I hate this guy so much, I'll kill him for free."
Ardy's buddy said "Are you sure? I gotta give you something!"
So Ardy said, "Ok ok. I'll do it for a dollar."
The next morning, the guy was at Meijer (A grocery store) and Ardy came up behind him and choked him with his scarf. When he was done killing him, there was a woman screaming at him to stop. So Ardy had to choke her with his scarf too. After that, he ran to his car and there was an old man watching him, so Ardy went over and choked him too. In the middle of killing the old man, the police pulled up and arrested Ardy. After a bit of interrogation, Ardy admitted to killing all of them, and especially the first guy for only a dollar.
The next morning, the headlines read:
Ardy Chokes 3 for a Dollar at Meijer
So me and my dad were talking about some stuff and I said "c'est la vie" and he replied with "La vie".
We both cracked laughing
my response: "la vie"
My dad was helping me put up a mountable TV stand in my apartment. He takes out his stud-finder and holds it up to his chest, chuckling, "Hey look, I found a stud". My mom gave the same eye-roll and half-smile she's been giving him for the past 38 years.
Bf's Uncle: I didn't like the movie Gravity. It wasn't bad, just a little boring.
Bf's Dad: So Gravity didn't draw you in?
Bf's Dad: I haven't eaten goat meat since I was a kid
Cue me dying laughing while my boyfriend struggles to understand
B
I reckon it was last year
Gaston; he's the winner of the No-Belle Prize
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
The conversation went like this.
Dad: C'est la vie.
Kid: La vie.
Dad: No, "C'est la vie."
Kid: I did.
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything.
Me : This isn't a chair.
It turns out Kim Jong is not the il-est.
but when I do, he usually laughs.
Our Golf Pun contest is starting tonight at 5PM EST. It's free to enter. Winner gets $150 Amazon eGift Card .........
Please invite all the punsters you'd like .......... https://golfpuns.com/index.php
Hola sauce, soy Dad
A painting by Claude Monet was recently discovered. It's an illustration of a man's nose. The museum decided to title it Mon Nez
Explanation :
Mon and nez are respectively French for my and nose. If one pronounces mon and nez correctly, and rapidly, it sounds a bit like Monet (mo-nénè)
Edit: I made an error with the accents; chose aigu (Γ©) instead of grave (Γ¨)
... encore faut-il que ce soit la sienne !
They give me the crepes.
Would be such a pain in the ass
Son: Soy milk. Why? Dad: Hola Milk, soy est tΓΊ Padre!
"Oui oui, c'est Le JIT."
Turns out I'm the passive-est
We are from Quebec so we speak french.
It's lunchtime and someone at the table is getting thirsty. (Keep in mind that ''laid'' and ''lait'' are pronounced the same way in french)
''Peux tu me passer le lait, papa? (Can you pass over the milk, dad?)'' My sister says.
''Ben, le laid est just lΓ ! (Well, the ugly is right there!)'' My dad says while pointing at me.
He then proceeds to laugh, extremely proud of his joke. Oh dad..
Im french-canadian. ^^"Hi ^^french-canadian, ^^im ^^dad" ^^done!
Im made an awesome dadjoke earlier but it is french. Im still gonna tell you, cause its awesome, but don't worrie, I'll explain it over and over and laugh doing it, because, after all, im a dad and the same rules apply, whatever the language.
So, the mother was distributing cookies after the meal. One for the daughter, one for me and 2 for her. Doing it, she said "le deuxième, c'est mon pourboire" (the second is my tip) in french, tip is pourboire, but, if you separate the word like so "pour boire" it means "for drinking". So, I said to her "pour boire? Les biscuits, c'est pour manger!" (for drinking? Cookies are for eating)
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHA. FUCK ME, ITS HILARIOUS.
See, its a classic dadjoke in french and I still got her good! "Pour boire? Ben non, c'est pour manger" hahahahah. Cause you don't drink cookie, you eat it. Hahaha. So great. Eyes were rolling all over the place, I almost step on one. HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
You got it, right? She said, "the second cookie is my tip" (le deuxième biscuit est mon pourboire) and I reply "tip? Cookies are for eating!" (Pour boire? Les biscuits, c'est pour manger) HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. MAN, its funny as hell!
"what does a little bird inside a Computer do?"
"microchip"
"that is a hat, keep that in your head"
"what do they tell you when you live a seed bank?"
"thank you for coming"
"I never wanted to be a trucker, it never in-tir-ested me"
"Do you know why watches leave a mark on you wrist?"
"becouse the time is tight"
"life is like Battleship, today you ate, tomorrow C6"
Really, each joke is from a different classmate.
We're on vacation in paris, eating at a restaurant.
Dad: Are we up for another bottle de vin? (terrible french accent)
Mom: Hey, C'est la vie.
Dad: La vie, but what about the wine?
