After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."
It turns out she's locked her keys in the car.
"Simple," says the soldier and drops his trousers, takes them off, rolls them into a ball and rubs them on the door.
The door pops open.
"How did you do that?!" exclaimed the young woman.
"Easy," says the soldier, "These are my khakis."
Edit: in the UK 'khaki' doesn't rhyme with 'whacky'; 'khaki' and 'car key' are pronounced the same.
Edit 2: I'm rightly bring criticised by fellow Brits for assuming that my pronunciation speaks for the whole island. In my bit of the UK, a southern enclave in the North, we pronounce it like that.
Amy
... olive skin, green eyes, snakes for hair.
But I had to break it off with her because she was constantly objectifying me.
"Certainly" replies the butcher. "Once upon a time, there was an ox........."
I think I’m in Louvre.
He'll be born in July.
period
Why do they put fences around cemetery’s? Because people are dying to get in.
I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his funeral to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?
It was a lamb-bikini.
"Who is it?" she shouts.
"Blind man", comes the answer.
Assured that her modesty will not be compromised, she opens the door naked.
The man at the door says, "Nice tits lady, now where do you want these blinds."
Bernadette
She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.
“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.
“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re free to go…I didn’t realize you were a cop!”
Edit: Some people in the comments are saying that this is not a dad joke, I put this here cause my dad told this one to me. Hope this makes sense :)
The woman says “The doctor said I have acute angina” to which the husband replies “I know you do but what does that have to do with a heart exam?”
While she's sitting there, she sees a young man who's jogging while eating a popsicle. All of a suddent, he begins to choke on his popsicle. The woman calls out to him, asking if he needs help, but the man quickly stops coughing, and gives her a thumbs up; indicating that he's fine.
About twenty minutes later, the young man passes by her again, now eating a hotdog. Just as before, he begins to choke on his hotdog. The woman calls to him, but again, the man gives her thumbs up, and confirms he's fine.
Another twenty minutes pass, and the young man once again jogs past her, while eating a bag of chips, where he, once again, begins to choke. He again assures the woman that he's fine, but this time, the woman decides enough is enough.
"This is the third time this has happened!" She screams. "Why can't you just sit down to eat?"
The man gives her a smile, and replies. "Because, ma'am, I'm a running gag."
He’s a really aggressive janitor.
We broke up. She got tired of me pushing her around.
Though she never stood up for herself.
I told her “look I’m really sorry. You must be that stripper from my buddy’s bachelor party. This was obviously years ago when I was younger and didn’t care about protection. Plus I was most likely drunk that night which is why I probably never got your number.”
She said “I meant you’re the father of one my students. I’m his teacher.”
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: "You had twins, a girl and a boy. They're both fine. And your brother named them for you."
Woman: "Oh my, not my brother! No! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?"
Doctor: "Denise."
Woman: "Oh, wow! That's a really pretty name. What about the boy?"
Doctor: deep sigh "Denephew.“
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
She replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
We be long together
Because she changes it more often.
The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
Must of been Cyndi Larper
She decided she wanted more than one nightstand.
If you don’t have one, You have to unload by hand
you can unscrew a lightbulb
Eileen Dover
I said "that's a funny way to start a conversation"
"Don't worry", said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
He said they make great mummies.
“Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner said, “Well, this bird used to live in a brothel, and occasionally it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided that for $50, she just had to have the bird.
She took the bird home, hung the cage up in the living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “Meh… That's really not so bad” and laughed it off.
When her two teenage daughters got home from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls!!!” The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then laughed about the situation – considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
A few moments later, the woman’s husband got home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls, welcome back Keith!!!”
So, she gets a divorce.
Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
It was all about the delivery.
There's a vas deferens.
Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately
Her husband asked, "is that you or the wine talking"? She replied "it's me, talking to the wine"
Bernadette.
At her arraignment the judge asked "First offender?"
She replied "No, first a Gibson, and then a Fender."
Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'Yes, and then a Gibson!
You can unscrew a lightbulb
