If anyone could just reverse the process of making wine, that would be grape.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maax42_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
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What did the grape do when he got stepped on?He let out a little wine
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Royalprincess19
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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I work in a bar. Today a lady looked at our wine list, bad-mouthed the soil the grapes grew in, and tried to get us to discount her bill.

I said, "You pay full price, ma'am. We don't negotiate with terroirists."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lcblangdale
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
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I crushed a grape. It started wining.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madjholu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, damn it! Breathe!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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People ask me why I hate grapes

I have my raisins

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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How do they milk oats?

So my family and I were watching TV and an ad for oat milk came up.

I asked out loud "how do they milk oats?"

My stepsister responded "they crush them until they cry"

I instinctively said "they do that with grapes too but they only wine"

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes

It’s all about raisin awareness

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hangry_Gunner
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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a few jokes that will make u laugh

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Man I hate grapes

Grapes suck man, I mean potatoes they're appealing ;) and can even grow back even after being smashed ;) out drunk, but grapes they just get drunk and wine and wine and wine ;), oh and corn, god who needs corn, they just party but pop off ;) for no reason, they say after its waters temper ;) but... well I guess water is not good either, they get angry and just boil ;) over... oh and I heard some news about tomatoes they had an affair with cherries ;), I heard that tomatoes wife is gonna get revenge by dewing grass ;), but I can only say one thing the plant party was wild last night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mjk2581
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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Why couldn't the wine taster get ahead in life...

He kept making pour decisions.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2017
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There was just a Dad Joke on Jeopardy!

The category was 3-4, the number of letters in each of the two words in the answer.

The example was: What did the grape do when it was stepped on? It let out a little wine.

Is Alex telling me that dadjokes is actually two words?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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Dad joke orbital strike from yesterday.

Christmas dinner, 2013. My mother in law is asked if she'd like some wine, is offered choices, Pinot Grigio, Mulled Apple or Cabernet. She's indecisive for a minute or so. Eventually, she settles on the apple wine. Her father comments, "well that sure took a long time."

I retorted with, "Well, she had to mull it over for a bit."

Simultaneously, 4 generations of women roll their eyes at me, while the guys all laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/microseconds
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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Went on a dad joke crusade

This was a conversation i had with a friend

friend: Dad jokes aren't good tho

Under any circumstances

me: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

friend: Commit oxygen not reach lungs

me: What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

friend: Please

Stop...

I beg of you

me: it's funny cause there's no oxygen in space

friend: I know the point of the joke

me: i was talkin about "Commit oxygen not reach lungs"

friend: Oh my god...

me: one more for good measure

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"my work here is done

friend: Dad jokes are gay

me: i tried to find a gay dad joke

i wasn't very happy with the results

friend: Ha

me: wasn't very happy

friend: Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME!?

me: this has been the best

friend: cri

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePlagueDoctor06
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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Help! I need a pun!!!

My girlfriend's dad (Rocky) makes his own wine and I want to make him a bunch of punny labels for the bottles as a Christmas present. Current leading contenders are:

  • Rocky and Bull-wine-kle's Alcoholic Grape Juice
  • Rocky Start Wineries
  • Rock Hard Wine

Any more suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Sorry for all the wine-ing...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WebberWoods
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
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you know what they say

wine drinkers make grape lovers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whoflungpoomunkey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2017
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Got my wife with wine pun

I was drinking wine with my wife, and she asked me if it was good, to which I responded:

"It's grape!" groans "Why are you wine-ing ?" groans intensify "Want me to put a cork in it?" facepalm desk "Vine, I'll stop."

She then pun-ished me with no more wine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zxithedead
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
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Pitting Brad against Angelina

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie own a vineyard called Mirival that makes a really good rosΓ©.

Wife: do you think they'll stop making Mirival?

Me: Even if they don't, we better stock up on it now. That wine is about to be terrible.

Wife: ...why?

Me: Because of sour grapes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mtttm
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
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I got the perfect opening earlier today

While driving past a winery in California my mom says, "I wonder how the droughts will affect the grapes"

"I imagine the wine will be a bit drier"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Midpeaks3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2014
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If anyone could reverse the process of making wine, that would be grape.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lafleur2017
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape

Breathe idiot, breathe!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, dammit!

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DownwardSpirals
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2016
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