My friend became monk recently. I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer

I guess it goes without saying

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Westerfield
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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The wedding vows were so touching...

Even the cake was in tiers.

(Obligatory cake day joke.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChillWisdom
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.

They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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The most emotional part of my wedding wasn't the vows or the speeches - it was getting cake smashed in my face.

Really brought a tier to my eye.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlwaysTheNoob
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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I tried taking a vow of silence.

It’s easier said than done.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jayneonthecobb
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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FiancΓ© said we need to pick our wedding vows....

I said β€œa,e,I,o,u and sometimes y that was easy babe.”

The look on her face I’m betting will be the same as when I say this stuff to our future kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wsudogger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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A monk friend of mine recently took a vow of abstinence

I really think that's something to celibate

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crusty_crumpet_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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Did you hear about the couple who exchanged wedding vows while running a race?

It was a real marrython!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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Happy Ending

A guy walks into a bar on Ash Wednesday and orders a beer. "I'm really having a hard time trying to decide what to give up for Lent," he tells the bartender. "Well let me tell you a little cautionary tale about giving things up for Lent," the bartender says. "A particular family in LA has been abstaining from using one letter of the alphabet for Lent each year, since 2001. It started as a joke, giving up "A" in 2001 and "B" in 2002, but developed into a strong family tradition. This year, one of the members has a tough choice to make. Unlike the rest of the Astleys, Rick made a solemn vow... "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frudedude
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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I vowed not to shave during the COVID-19 quarantine. My wife doesn't like my beard.

But it's really growing on me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpaulycolini
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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So I have vowed never to buy glow sticks ever again

They were just made to be broken

(My brother who is a new father and newly enlisted solider told me this today)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glitchomojo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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What do you call a comedian who can’t remember the punchline

Idk I’m the one who’s asking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kidsdyinginside
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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What do 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 do when they’re angry?

Vow to get even.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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Need help with a dad joke

I'm writing vows for me wedding, and am going to have a line that's something like "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes", but then I want to follow it up immediately with a bad dad joke about that.

So far the best I have is "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes, no matter how punny I think they are".... But I reckon there's gotta be something better than that. Any suggestions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcoutie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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The former NBA commissioner was persuaded to buy a family gym package that included unlimited personal training sessions...

After the trainer vowed she would leave no Stern untoned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whosevelt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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Drone Bees

A male drone bee ejaculates with such force it causes his genitals to explode, resulting in his death.

One such bee, upon learning of this, took a vow of celibacy and swore off sex forever.

When news reached the queen she scoffed and said "How very unbecoming of him."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/necromundus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
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Why could the turtle never marry?

He took a vow of shellebacy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slmckay73
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2017
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The Cheerio Joke

Oh boy do I have a joke for you kids! Its called the cheerio joke.


So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes homeless, living out on the street, probaly an alchoholic. But he falls in love with a frosted cheerio princess. So one day he sneaks into the royal gala and goes up to the princess and asks her "will you marry me?" Now she says "I like your style, youre a good looking guy, a bit scruffy but I like you. Tell you what I will marry you if you can become a frosted cheerio" So our guy goes back with a determination and gets a job and starts to pay off his debts. Now by having a job and his debts paid he becomes a level 1 cheerio. So he works, and he works, and he works, and he WORKS and he finally becomes a level 2 cheerio. Now he goes back to the princess and askes her again, "will you marry me?" she says "no honey you really do have to become a frosted cheerio first." So he goes back and he works and works, hes a fryboy at McGrubers or something, I dont care. So he works and he works and he gets promoted at the restraunt and is making more money. And he works and he works and he works and by having that income raise he finally becomes a level 3 cheerio. He feels sucessful for the first time in his life but he is starting to fall back on his old ways. One day he goes to the casino and he loses and he loses and he loses and he gambled all his money away and he gets fired to boot because gambling is against company policy. So he is back down to a level 1 cheerio. He gets a job on a production line at a nearby factory and determines himself not to fall back ever again. So he works and he works and he works and he works and he WORKS, level 2, level 3, and he is doing great again. He is promoted to Floor manager of the factory and he is doing great and becomes a level 4 cheerio. But then one day a rival company sabotages their operation by putting poison in their toothpaste or whatever the hell they were making. They have to pay out damages and PR and the like and they declare bankruptcy. He is knocked back down to level 2 for the lack in income. But he is hired almost straight away by a branch of a huge conglomerate because they recognized how hard of a worker he is. So he works, level 3, works, level 4, and he works and works and WORKS. So he is promoted t

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/t17389z
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
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Request: Wedding Puns

Hello fellow pun connoisseurs,

Friends of mine just recently had a bit of a shotgun wedding. I'm vowing to prepare a statement for them in celebration The bride is particularly fond of puns. While I've been grooming myself for this for some time, any matrimonial/wedding puns that I might consider would be much appreciated. It would be the best, man!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadasecond
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2013
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I think the police are setting up a sting on me

Every breath I take, Every move I make, Every bond I break, Every step I take, They are watching me. Every single day, Every word I say, Every game I play, Every night I stay, They are watching me. Every move I make, Every vow I break, Every smile I fake, Every claim I stake, They are watching me. Every move I make, Every vow I break, Every smile I fake, Every claim I stake, They are watching me

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2014
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For the 2nd time in 4 years, I got my girlfriend to laugh at one of my daily dad jokes! Hope you like it too.

We are watching a dumb hallmark Christmas movie and the main guy owns a coffee shop. He is getting married and I make fun of the fact that his vows are all coffee puns.

So my girl yells, "well, he is a coffee person!"

Me- "no babe, he is just a human person."

(Her laugh was really a slight chuckle and a "you're so dumb", but dammit, I am taking the win!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkelsey4610
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2015
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Hard-Boiled Eggs

Our family is seated at the table, eating breakfast. My brother, having returned from military college, takes a long look at his hard-boiled eggs. "These shells are way too thick." He complained. My father turns to my brother, understanding his predicament, and nods thoughtfully. "I'll have a word with the chickens." He vowed solemnly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ModernAztec
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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I'm about to get married

FiancΓ©: We need to pick our vows still!

Me: A, E, I, O, or U?

Both turn in Unison: Dad Jokes!

She's getting good at identifying them quick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InfinitNumbrs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2014
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Human interest for 2021 Lent

A particular family in LA has been abstaining from using one letter of the alphabet for Lent each year, since 2001. It started as a joke, giving up "A" in 2001 and "B" in 2002, but developed into a strong family tradition.

This year, one of the members has a tough choice to make. Unlike the rest of the Astleys, Rick made a solemn vow...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drzowie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report

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