Someone has stolen all my trainers and high visibility jackets from my shed.

They can run, but they cannot hide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VanillaKidd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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I was driving with my daughter on a beautiful sunny day this winter and I said "I can't believe how poor the visibility is."

She said, "What do you mean? It's perfectly clear." Pointing down I said, "I can only see four feet in front of us."

Got a pretty good groan out of that one...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebigsexy1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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What happens if a thread full of stealth puns is upvoted for visibility?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kubrick_Fan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
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Visible confusion
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πŸ‘€︎ u/papa_papito
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

That's just how I roll.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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A large gathering of priests and nuns arranged themselves to form an image of Christ visible from space...

But it wasn't for altruism of course, they all stood to make an enormous prophet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phryxil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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Visible confusion
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πŸ‘€︎ u/benrybud5
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

πŸ‘︎ 458
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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Buhdum tiss imgur.com/o0FWnbr
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quinns21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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What are two documents that don't make sense?

A paradox.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StripedTiger711
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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Leather stains are very visible

Because it has nothing to hide

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hdeifh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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What's the most visible kind of turtle?

A sea turtle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/quadnix
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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I just found out I'm colorblind

It totally came out of the purple...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Afalafgaming
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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How many stars do you want ?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justlooking250
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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Some unexpected consequences of coronavirus..

So it's been almost 3 weeks since a lockdown was triggered in the UK and there have been quite a few knock on effects.. Some good and some bad which I want to share in this post.

Firstly one of my friends lost his job. He worked as a psychic.. Never saw it coming. Its been a difficult couple of weeks and he is now considering a complete career change...considering becoming a baker of all things.. But I suppose he really kneads the dough. I suggested he focus on photography, but nothing ever developed.

Another of my friends was also made redundant. He managed to get a Skype interview for a position in Tescos within a few days. The interviewer asked him: "what is your biggest weakness?", he replied "I don't know when to quit". The interviewer said "OK, your hired". He said "I quit".

Work has been busy for me but since I can't enjoy the things I usually do I have been looking for some new things to do around the house. It's been nice have the thyme to do more cooking. I randomly started a boat building business in my garage.. Sails have gone through the roof.

In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years I am now shouting at my parents for leaving the house. I suggested they take up scrabble to keep them occupied.. Turned out to be a bad idea from the word go.

It's been great hearing about how world pollution levels have been failling. I read the story about fish now being visible in the canals in Venice.. I hope that story isnt a load of pollocks! Cod, these were eely bad. Will stop carping on now!

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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A man went to the dentist

The man receives his test results from the dentist, the man looks down, visibly upset. the dentist asks: "Is everything okay, sir?" the man looks up, sighs, and says "the tooth hurts"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samsaver3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Stepdaughter pun that I never thought I'd hear.

Brief background: stepdaughter is 20 years old and has always hated when I make puns/dadjokes

So my step daughter just came downstairs heading out for work and just as she's walking out the door I noticed she has only one shoe on.

Me: "Hey! You know you only have one shoe on, right?

Her: "yeah, the other one is in my car"

Me (visibly confused): "uh...ok"

Her: "you might say I'm a step ahead"

The door shuts, my jaw dropped.

I run to the door, open it,

"Was that a pun? did you just make a dad joke?!"

She replies only with a smirk.

I'm so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/athei-nerd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2017
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What do you call a person of colour?

A 'hue' man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amiahcaraveo1998
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2017
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What do you call a place where everyone's laughing?

Lol Lol Land

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πŸ‘€︎ u/govuxyz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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Why do posts about headlights when it's raining always make lots of karma?

Upvote for visibility

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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Needing a blood transfusion I asked my nurse what my blood type was..

She replied "A+" the dad in me had to let it out... "Well I always was top of the class" I now understand what a visible groan looks like.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/openheartoption
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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Solid Argument
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCoder01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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[MOD POST] Hunting for an additional moderator. Read and apply within.

EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.

( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )

Hey everybody,

The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.

Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.

You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.

That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.

So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.

Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:

  • You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
  • You have a good sense of humour
  • You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
  • You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
  • You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
  • You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
  • You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
  • Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required

Here's what I am not looking for:

  • Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
  • An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
  • A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say

If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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What do you say to an invisible person whose pee you can still see?

"Urine visible"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gavinwride
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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How are your fingers?

I was skiing and got onto a chairlift with a father and his son (around 6 years old). The father was asking if his son's fingers were still cold. His son, looking visibly upset said "They were okay, but I had forgot about them and just mentioning my fingers made them start hurting again! Don't say another word about my fingers!"

You could hear the gears turning, and I watched the smirk form on the father's face as he proudly stated "Another word about my fingers". His son burst into tears.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slothemo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
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Knock knock

Dad: "Knock knock"

Son:"Whos there?"

Dad snickering softly: ach-

Son visibly confused: ach-who?

(Dad continues to start laughing while his son roles his eyes )

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πŸ‘€︎ u/killerspider19
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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Two NASA engineers were arguing...

Two NASA engineers were arguing over the feasibility of building a high tech satellite that could see everything, anywhere in the galaxy, by orbiting a spherical lens around a mirrored device at various ranges of orbit. An application controlling the length of the O-Range (range of orbit) would pull the lens in, then release it, and centripetal force would pull it out again. The length of the "app pull", the distance the application would pull the lens back from orbit, had to be precise to ensure proper visibility at all times.

One of the scientists argued that the math to ensure total visibility at all times did not work. Eventually, they brought in another scientist to settle the argument. After several moments reviewing the math the two scientists had done on the board, their colleague spoke out.

"It's so obvious why you two cannot come to a conclusion," he said, "you're comparing app pulls to o-ranges!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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So, I'm studying human perception as it relates to colour, right?

And the thing about eyes, sight, and light is that nobody really knows what colour anything is.

What we think of as colour is actually light reflecting off a surface in the visible light spectrum- nothing is inherently colourful on its own. So everything we see is actually in our own heads. Transfered light is reflecting off objects, into our eyes and being read/perceived by the brain as 'colour'.

It's all a pigment of our imagination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SupremeCanadian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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I was absolutely livid at my doctor. He said I had a brain tumour that wasn’t malignant, whatever the hell that meant.

I was visibly panicking, but I lost it when he said it’s β€œAll in your head.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neloc1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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There was man named Demitri who lived in Russia....

Throughout his whole life he was just fascinated with trains. Specifically passenger cars. He would enjoy going on trips with his family.

Demitri grew up and decided to make it his career. Unfortunately the difficult life he had from bullies pushed him towards the bottle and turned him to an alcoholic.

One late night in his shift he wrecked the train killing 10 people. When the courts found out he was drunk while operating they charged him with murder and sentenced him to the electric chair. For his last meal he only requested a simple ripe banana. When his time came the executioner strapped him to chair and asked for any last words. He simply said, "No." The pulled the lever and to everyone's amazement he was unharmed. The government saw this as an act of God and released him.

Couple of years later Dimitri got another job operating locomotives again. Unfortunately bad habits are not easy to quit and he was still an alcoholic. These trains were his only happiness. Unfortunately it happened again. He was drunk and crashed the train this time killing 8 people. He was again sentenced to death by the electric chair. He once again requested a banana. This time executioner really soaked the sponge to not risk a repeat. When the lever was pulled Dimitri was again left unharmed. Once again it was concluded to be another act of God and he was given his freedom.

Dimitri turned to the bottle even more especially having 18 lives gone because of him. He somehow managed to get another job doing what he loved most. It happened again though. This time, 23 people. The courts angry sentenced him one more time to death by electric chair.

When the time for his final meal came he requested another banana. The guards being very visibly upset over the situation denied his request and he was left no last meal. As the time approached and he was strapped to the chair. The executioner had a large grin ready to take this murderous man off Earth. When he pulled the lever however he was still left unharmed.

Furious the executioner cried, "How are you still alive?! You did not eat the banana!"

Dimitri shook his head and simply said, "Oh no officer the banana is not why I'm still alive. It's because I'm a terrible conductor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jms199456
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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Got my mom the other night

So I live with my parents (or did when this took place) and my mom was making meatloaf one night. I was in my room waiting for dinner to be done, when she yells out "bring the meatloaf here, I want to see what it looks like". So without missing a beat, I grabbed Bat Out of Hell from my record collection and take it to her in the living room. I hand it to her and she goes "oh. my. god." with a very visible eye roll. I think it was a success

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhodinisGhost
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
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We were driving into the glare of the setting sun.

We took a sharp turn and the visibility improved a lot. I said, whew, no more squinting.

My boyfriend said, glad that's behind us.

Help, does this mean I'm pregnant?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i-like-robots
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
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An old favorite

King Broderick was in trouble. He wasn't a very good king, and his brother Argyle was gathering forces to depose him and take the crown. In desperation, he captured Count Petrie, a very popular man who was one of his brother's cronies, and tortured him to learn his brother's location.

But the count wouldn't divulge the information, so the King scheduled a public execution. The crowds gathered, including the King's brother, who was there in disguise. The Count was forced to kneel, with his head on the chopping block. The headsman stood nearby, holding his axe at the ready. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, you are here before me because you have aligned yourself with my brother. If you tell me where he is, I will allow you to live out your days in my dungeon. Remain silent, and you will die." The Count remained silent. King Broderick motioned to the headsman, who slowly raised his axe and swung it down...THUNK...into the wood next to the Count's head. The Count stared at the axe, visibly shaking. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, that was a warning, and there will not be another. Tell me where my brother is and you will live. Remain silent, and you will die!" The Count stayed silent. King Broderick again motioned to the headsman, who raised the axe. As the headsman began the downswing, the Count cried out "Wait!!" but...THUNK...it was too late, and the Count's head fell to the ground.

At the Count's death, the King's brother leapt up and revealed himself to the crowd. Cheering Argyle, they crowded forward and overran the King's guards. Soon, it was Broderick's head on the chopping block. Argyle, the new King, waved back the headsman, knelt beside his brother and whispered into his ear "Silly brother, don't hatchet your Counts before they've chickened."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nyarlathotep4King
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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Got the wife last night, almost hit a deer in the road...

It was kind of hard to spot, and I slowed down. My wife was impressed that I had spotted it so far away. As we went past it, the horns were visible.

"Good thing I passed the buck!", I said, to audible groans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fericyde
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
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My roommate is Geology Major

Roommate "I have been studying these three pages of notes on geological formations. It's so tedious."

Me "Yes, but, would you say that the information is rock solid?"

My girlfriend was visibly upset.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funky_Crisp
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2016
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A man goes to buy a horse (long)

So he finds the man who owns the horse. The owner takes him to the stable. The buyer asks to take the horse for a test ride.

&nbsp;

"Okay," says the owner. "But I'm a retired church pastor. The horse will only go forward if you say, 'Praise the lord.' He will only stop moving if you say 'Hallelujah.' "

&nbsp;

Feeling annoyed, the buyer says "That's fine," and he gets up on the horse. After the seller returns to the house, the buyer, mounted on the horse, whips the reins and says, "Hiyah!!" The horse doesn't move. "Yah," he said, spurring the horse. Still no movement. Feeling a little embarrassed and stupid, he complied to the owner's instruction. "Praise the Lord," he mumbled, and the horse began quickly trotting away from the stable.

&nbsp;

Wow, the buyer thought, excited. I wonder how fast this horse can go. "Praise the Lord," he said, this time at normal volume. The horse sped up considerably.

&nbsp;

Amazing! I must have this horse! the buyer thought. "Praise the Lord!" he shouted. "Praise the Lord!" And the horse kept speeding up. The stable behind them was no longer visible.

But the horse and the buyer were speedily approaching a huge canyon. Seeing this ahead, the buyer commanded, "St- stop! Whoaaa, horse!" But the horse kept the charge forward. "Hallelujah!" the buyer shouted. And the horse stopped at the edge of the vast canyon, with only inches of ground to spare.

Looking up to the sky, the buyer sighed in relief. "Praise the Lord."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/littlekuribandit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2017
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Dad told me this one today

Once upon a time in China there was a King with the most beautiful daughter in all of China. Three suitors came up to the king and asked him "what do we need to do to win the hand of your daughter". The king said whoever brings me the most ping pong balls can marry my daughter.

Suitor #1 comes back with 1,000 ping pong balls

Suitor #2 comes back with 2,000 ping pong balls

Suitor #3 comes back visibly beat up and when the king asked him where are your ping pong balls. Suitor #3 said PING PONG BALLS! I thought you said KING KONG BALLS!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreakAss
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2017
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I am blind.

Upvote for visibility.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daaniloviici
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
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Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I work in a medical lab. I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
🚨︎ report

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