Currently in the process of uniting a kingdom
What do you call a country that has been created through the uniting of two individual countries?
How does United Airlines treat their passengers?
For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.
It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!
What’s a monk’s favorite unit of measurement?
My AC unit is quacking...
I think it's the air ducts
What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?
There's a department of the United Nations which tries to improve the quality of food in restaurants.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
What unit of measurement do you use to weigh your linens?
The United States Postal Service got jokes
My cousin died when an A/C unit fell on him.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
WARNING FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTS THE KFC GAME CONSOLE
Avoid getting a console on launch day. Multiple units had to be recalled due to the circuit boards being "fried".
Why do they always use thieves as the high speed units in RPGs?
Because they're so dodgy.
Do you know why the French eat just one egg for breakfast?
Because in France, one egg is Un ouef.
I tried to trademark an unit for pressure...
But the patent office wouldn’t have a bar of it
what do you call a detective electrician?
My kids were watching a show about identical twins re-united after being separated at birth, and in disbelief that they were wearing matching outfits when they met up.
I said, well, they do have the same genes.
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...
To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.
After a heated argument, my kid shouted “Jim Morrison was overrated”
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
What do you call a country of lazy people?
I had my cornfield all set up to sell in 2 acre units when my realtor suddenly brought me plans for acre units.
He was plotting against me!
Watt is the unit of power
Punctuate the title however you like.
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
What is the angriest nut?
What's the difference between the United States and United Kingdom
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!
He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”
I find it so sad that the US uses another unit other than °C or K for measuring temperature.
Cant weigh to see their face
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...
Just in case there's a salad dressing
TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...
The were The Ruff Riders.
I was told that my dad was pronounced dead
I can’t believe I’ve been saying it wrong my whole life
What is the opposite of Manchester United?
It's not Manchester City or Liverpool.
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Ans: Woman breasts are Divided
PS. Thought of it as a kid. Very high probability that other people have also thought of this. Cracked this in front of a friend who asked me to post here.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
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