Ultrasounds Puns

he can't have my nose, I need it!

My kid's dad says, "Oh, so that's how you keep from coming here."

Actual, horribly painful dad joke.

I looked him dead in the eyes and said look at me, I weigh 360 lbs I have a fatty everything.

The hip replacement guy

I think it has a calf.

The ultrasound technician asks what names they thought of.

The dad remarks "his name will be Miles. Kilometer for short."

I said, “Fetus, Hand-us, Leg-us, There’s practically a whole baby in there!”

I was really disappointed, the sound quality really bad. (Ultra Avx)

They stare at the image in silence for 8 hours.

One vet finally says, "Should we talk about the elephant in the womb?"

Me: "Train A is heading east at 90mph-"

Wife: "Shut up"

I looked at my wife and said, "Humorous, he is already funny".

Went with my wife to her ultrasound for our first born. They were measuring the baby to make sure it was growing right. They started at the head and worked their way down. When they got to the humerus the ultrasound said, “And this is the humerus.” I couldn’t help it, I blurted out “Ha! Funny.”

My wife is 8 weeks pregnant with our first (twins, actually). Today we had an ultrasound to check on them before my wife is officially transferred from the fertility specialist to her OB/GYN.

Nurse: Both heartbeats are a healthy 144.

Me: Gross.

Nurse: What?.... Oh. (nervous laugh)

Wife: (facepalm)

Me: (ear-to-ear grin)

"So doctor, is it a boy or a girl?"

A friend of mine was telling me that she's a nursing major. I asked her "Who is the coolest guy in the hospital?" She asked "Who?" I said "The Hip doctor"

I was told to get out and leave.

All ultrasounds look the same.

Hey there!

I'm an avid dad joker, and it looks like within 24 hours I'll finally be a dad myself. Throughout the pregnancy, I've had a blast making jokes about womb temperature, and ultrasounds making her a womb with a view.

Now is where I need your assistance. I've been expressly forbidden from making any jokes during the labor process, which means I am of course going to make jokes.

Got any great pregnancy/labor/new baby jokes?

Scene: Wife and I have just come from her 12 week ultrasound where the baby was moving and rolling all over the place. Passed by our local cafe to grab a 1kg (2.2lb) bag of coffee beans.

Walking down the street cradling my coffee like a baby. Say to my wife "check out my baby." She replies "yeah but mine is so much more active." I say " no, mine's full of beans."

We laughed our way back to the car.

So in a few days I'm supposed to get an ultrasound on my heart and I want to lighten up the mood a little by making a few puns about the situation. Can you all help me with some real clever ones? Anything about shortness of breath and heart problems would be amazing :)

For background, I'm an IT guy.

My wife and I are heading home after our first ultrasound, and asks me what I though about being a dad.

Well, it doesn't seem very well thought out. There's only one developer, it has a 40 week development cycle that can't be changed, and it goes straight into production with no beta testing. Then after launch, everyone is expected to support it.

I had some pain in my side, so i figured i'd rather be safe than sorry, so I went to the ER. The physician was doing an ultrasound to check for internal injuries, and he was like, "so that's your spleen, we check for this black line right there. This here is your kidney, which looks fine." and I replied "You gotta be kiddin-ney."

my mom thought it was funny as hell.

Wife: So they're going to do a 36-week ultrasound to see how large the baby is.

FIL: Wow, that's a really long ultrasound.

I was telling my friend about a band I saw last night:

Me: "I saw a band last night"

Friend: "What band?"

Me: "The band is called 'Ultrasound'"

Friend: "Are they any good?"

Me: "Don't know, didn't hear a thing"

I officially became a dad tonight, so I guess these are official dad jokes now.

MIL: You haven't ate anything today, are you hungry?

Me: No, I'm Mick(my name)

Me and my FIL are the only ones who laughed :/

Another one my FIL hit me with, but I didn't know if it was for sure a dad joke.

Me: They couldn't tell from the ultrasound, that's why they told us the baby was going to be a girl.

FIL: Well, at least we know he has your genes

:(

The ultrasound guy.

The ultrasound guy

The hip replacement guy!

The ultrasound guy

The ultrasound guy

The ultrasound guy!

The ultrasound guy

the ultrasound guy

The ultra sound guy

The ultrasound guy

.........but when he's off sick, it's the hip replacent guy

The Ultrasound guy!

The ultrasound guy

The ultrasound guy

The ultrasound guy

The ultrasound guy.

The ultrasound guy

The ultrasound guy

Who fills in for him when he's away?

The hip-replacement guy