True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/casimir1978
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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True story: I sent my dad a picture of the loaf of bread I made witha bread machine. He instantly responded with :

I knead one of those!!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LagartoDorado
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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(true story) After having my son install an electric keypad deadbolt on the man door in my garage, my daughter says:

Dad, are you sure that new deadbolt was man-door-tory??

Making daddy proud.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Im-not-yo-buddy-guy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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True story: During a large dinner my son said that he was addicted to the gravy

I told him "the best way to break that addiction is to quit cold turkey"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jabberwonki
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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A true story: My boyfriend and I were in the dairy aisle of the grocery store. He tosses a pack of sliced cheese into the cart it ricochets and falls to the floor. โ€œKobe!โ€ I shout. โ€œNo.โ€ He says in a disappointed tone...

...Colby

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CutieWitaBooty2013
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"

I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."

Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Etereve
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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(True story) My GF asked me to kill a spider in the bathroom today.

It was so small that I couldn't even see it at first. She had to point it out, a tiny brown pinhead crawling up our slightly-darker-brown cabinet about knee-high.

"How did you even see that?" I asked.

And she answered, "With my spider-sense."

I love this woman so, so much.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 37
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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True story: My girlfriend just asked me if I knew any good jokes about physicists (my profession). I said yes, but they were all about physicists' dating lives.

So they're pretty much all one-liners.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HunterSwan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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A true story

So, Iโ€™m standing outside my office building with my older, wiser coworker, when he points up at a flock of geese flying in a V.

Me: [looks at the geese coworker is pointing to]

Coworker: โ€œyou notice how one side of the V is longer than the other?โ€

Me: โ€œyeahโ€

Coworker: โ€œdo you know why that is?โ€

Me: โ€œhmm... noโ€

Coworker: โ€œthereโ€™s more birds on that sideโ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 57
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sensitive-Bear
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"

After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/imgenerallyagoodguy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Conspiracy theorists will never be able to find the true story of the coronavirus' origins...

It was all COVID up

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/msboogers
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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True Story - I saw a guy walking along with two huge mattresses strapped to his rucksack...

...I thought, at least he has something to fall back on.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SweetCoverDrive
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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True story. Needs your help to decide.

Driving home from the beach last week, my son said he'd like to sky dive. I told him he was crazy. And (here's where we need help) said "I'm not scared of heights". I said "neither am I. I'm scared of widths". We both laughed and couldn't decide if it was indeed a dad joke or not.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/murfstax
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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[True story of Dad] The cat

I used to have a black cat named Big Guy. When I left for college, he stayed with my parents. One day I got a call from my mom and she mentioned he was missing. They hadn't seen him in a week. He was an indoor/outdoor cat and would occasionally disappear for a few days, but a whole week was unusual.

Anyway, I was bummed. I was set to visit the next week and was looking forward to seeing my cat.

I flew home and... it was weird. Now they had two cats! Both black. And Big Guy was back! But... why two cats now?

So here's the dad part. My mom started to really miss him. My dad saw this and went to the local shelters to see if anyone turned him in. He said, "After the 3rd one, I pretty much gave up."

So then my mom said, "So your father got another cat he thought looked "close enough" and tried to convince me it was Big Guy. I said, 'Have you lost it? This cat is a GIRL!'"

Then Big Guy came home.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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True story: eggcellent yokes

My son and I love good egg pun Dad jokes. We got it going the other day and my wife rolled her eyes. He asked her, "which joke didn't you like?"

She replied "all ovum"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/erleichda70-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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True Story
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Springball64
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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A true story

My wife emailed a company asking if they had stock of heaters and a man named Kurt sends a reply email with only the text โ€œno stockโ€, which she showed me.

So I said: โ€œLiving up to his name I seeโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MealieMeal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."

"She became a little spore addict."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 22 2020
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True story too
๐Ÿ‘︎ 48
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JarJarIsAlpha
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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True story. An emu escaped a farm in my area and was running around the suburbs..

Police tried to get it out of that area, but it was rather emuvable...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xJohnnyQuidx
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 09 2020
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This is based off of a true story

Kid- If i'm going to climb over a fence, we'll need a ladder

Dad- Are you sure we won't need the former?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The_Memester_42069
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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The best pun I ever made, true story:

I had recently joined a band as their bassist, whose previous bassist was very punny and also had a long beard like me.

I had made some unmemorable pun, and the guitarist said, "Goddamn it, puns must be related to beards."

I said, "With great length comes greatest pun ability."

Swear to god this is true. Only two people witnessed it. I want you all to be my witnesses.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FastWalkingShortGuy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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I was required to add flair to this, True story not a flairy tail
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ethan-555-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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True story:

My dad was at the store, buying lettuce. His items get scanned, and the cashier asks โ€œwould you like the lettuce in the bag?โ€ And he says, โ€œno, I think Iโ€™ll go green.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ranchcrackers352
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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[True story] Doctor: how often do you suffer from headaches?

Me: every time I have a headache, I suffer.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/assafstone
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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true story
๐Ÿ‘︎ 50
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sleektoad
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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True story

A friend was getting married in a small church. I was part of the wedding party, and we were at wedding practice, making sure everything went off without a hitch. We noticed the bride to be seemed a bit agitated, so we asked her what was wrong.

"The church is so small," she said, "which I love - but where will we fit the musicians? we hired three string musicians to play us in and out of the wedding and there doesn't seem to be any place for them to play!"

I looked at my friend and his bride-to-be and smiled.

"You have nothing to worry about. Haven't you heard...?" They shook their heads in unison.

"THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR CELLO."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ranseler
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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True story tho
๐Ÿ‘︎ 798
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/plsHelpGhost
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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My son was born today (totally true story)

A couple of hours later, I text my wife

"I don't want to alarm you, but I'm the hospital"

edit: the original message

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Einstine1984
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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A True Story

So this needs a little backstory.

About 10 years ago my wife and I went to see the comedian Jim Gaffigan in Santa Rosa, CA where we live. About 2/3 the way through his set, he did an old Steve Martin bit. I leaned over to my wife and said quietly (or so I thought,) "Steve Martin called, he wants his bit back."

Apparently Mr. Gaffigan heard me, because he did the last 1/3 of his set staring at his shoes.

Flash forward to last night. We were at a public event with TONS of people, loud music, dancing, whatever. Some guy walked by wearing an outrageously funny outfit, and I leaned very close to my wife's ear to make a comment about it. She mildly upset and said, "Don't do a Jim Gaffigan," she said.

I blinked and leaned in again and said, clearly: "You mean...Don't make a Jim Gaffe Again?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dramboxf
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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True Story About Owl Nutririon

True story. My wife feeds a number of squirrels on our patio in back of our house. Has done this for years.

Coming home from the grocery store today, this was our conversation.

Her: The other day I saw an owl land in a tree near the back of our house. So I made noises to make the squirrels run and hide.

Me: Well, I'm sure the owl is just looking for three squirrel meals a day.

Her: GROAN...! I can't believe I set you up like that!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DreadPirateGriswold
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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True story
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RealReagatron
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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[true story] Dad and daughter trimming the Christmas tree with tinselโ€” DAD (points to empty spot on tree and says to daughter): โ€œLittle more on here.โ€ DAUGHTER (storms off crying)...

...โ€MOM! DAD CALLED ME A LITTLE MORON!!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VeryLastBison
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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True story: We weโ€™re driving in the car today when my five year old found an umbrella and opened it...

My wife yelled at him to close it immediately, as it wasnโ€™t safe in a moving vehicle. I told her it wasnโ€™t a big deal since both of our vehicles have umbrella insurance.

The kids didnโ€™t get it but it elicited a nice groan from the wife, so Iโ€™m pretty sure it counts.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The1hangingchad
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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(true story) My partner had a scratch on his face

I said, "Oh, how'd you get that?"

He was like, "I honestly don't remember, I came home and noticed it."

I put my hand on his forehead and said, "Do you have a fever?"

He said, "Nope, I feel fine."

And I said, "Good ............... it's not a cat scratch then."

He still gets mad about when I bring it up.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/-ifeelfantastic
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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True story: My wife offered to make me tea and 1 hour later I remembered that she still hadn't made it....

When I asked her about it she said, "Yeah, I'm a tea-se."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dr_Nik
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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True story: my daughter was playing a pet-salon game on her iPad and said to me: "Hey dad, I've just worked out that if you just brush their teeth over and over you get experience points faster." To which I replied: "You shouldn't grind your teeth."
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shadowfax1138
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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True story: I wanted to print a dozen copies of a document, but selected 'Number of Copies: 12' on both MS Word and the printer itself, just to be sure. Turns out, it treated that as 12 times 12 copies.

I soon discovered that I had made a gross error of judgment.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheAnagramancer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Accidentally punched myself (true story) and now I have a black eye (also true story). People say "That must've been one heck of a fight."

"Oh yeah. You should see the other guy!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/drozzi007
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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(True story) my sister asked my dad a question in the car...

She said "who in their right mind would name their kid Spartacus?"

My dad said "not a very bright spart"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/brickshowoff
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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True story only the names have been changed to protect the sassy 3yo.

Miss3: mummy I want shake shake song (Taylor Swift - shake it off.

Mummy: and mummy wants her breakfast first miss3.

Miss3: and I want a million dollars mummy.

Cheeky little madam!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DannyGere
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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True story: My SO and I got into an minor argument while laying in bed last night. I jokingly exclaimed โ€œomg, I literally cannot stand you!โ€

To which he replied, โ€œgood thing youโ€™re laying downโ€. Ugh.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zestylemonn
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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True story

The other day I was at a DIY shop, buying various tools for around the house. In my basket was a hammer, and when it travelled along the conveyor belt and reached the checkout girl I shouted 'Stop!'.

She just looked at me blankly, and I was too embarrassed to finish the joke.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/vibrate
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 09 2018
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(True story) You know you've read too many Dad jokes when:

I was driving along a remote highway on vacation and saw a sign that said "6 passing lanes next 35 miles", and seriously wondered why they would bother telling me about them when they were so far away.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MysteryOrange7
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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True Story: I was driving my family to my son's birthday party at one of those trampoline places. While looking for it in the strip mall...

We passed an IHOP, to which I stated "There it is!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pikeben08
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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