I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
(His actual answer): "because you always need to carry a little cash on you."
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
I knead one of those!!
Miss4 says โif they are not holes, what are they?โ
I told him "the best way to break that addiction is to quit cold turkey"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
...Colby
It was so small that I couldn't even see it at first. She had to point it out, a tiny brown pinhead crawling up our slightly-darker-brown cabinet about knee-high.
"How did you even see that?" I asked.
And she answered, "With my spider-sense."
I love this woman so, so much.
So, Iโm standing outside my office building with my older, wiser coworker, when he points up at a flock of geese flying in a V.
Me: [looks at the geese coworker is pointing to]
Coworker: โyou notice how one side of the V is longer than the other?โ
Me: โyeahโ
Coworker: โdo you know why that is?โ
Me: โhmm... noโ
Coworker: โthereโs more birds on that sideโ
...I thought, at least he has something to fall back on.
"She became a little spore addict."
My wife emailed a company asking if they had stock of heaters and a man named Kurt sends a reply email with only the text โno stockโ, which she showed me.
So I said: โLiving up to his name I seeโ
Kid- If i'm going to climb over a fence, we'll need a ladder
Dad- Are you sure we won't need the former?
Police tried to get it out of that area, but it was rather emuvable...
So this needs a little backstory.
About 10 years ago my wife and I went to see the comedian Jim Gaffigan in Santa Rosa, CA where we live. About 2/3 the way through his set, he did an old Steve Martin bit. I leaned over to my wife and said quietly (or so I thought,) "Steve Martin called, he wants his bit back."
Apparently Mr. Gaffigan heard me, because he did the last 1/3 of his set staring at his shoes.
Flash forward to last night. We were at a public event with TONS of people, loud music, dancing, whatever. Some guy walked by wearing an outrageously funny outfit, and I leaned very close to my wife's ear to make a comment about it. She mildly upset and said, "Don't do a Jim Gaffigan," she said.
I blinked and leaned in again and said, clearly: "You mean...Don't make a Jim Gaffe Again?"
I said, "Oh, how'd you get that?"
He was like, "I honestly don't remember, I came home and noticed it."
I put my hand on his forehead and said, "Do you have a fever?"
He said, "Nope, I feel fine."
And I said, "Good ............... it's not a cat scratch then."
He still gets mad about when I bring it up.
I soon discovered that I had made a gross error of judgment.
"Oh yeah. You should see the other guy!"
She said "who in their right mind would name their kid Spartacus?"
My dad said "not a very bright spart"
Wow, neuro-surgeon huh... I'd like to pick your brain....
He did not get it...
(those type of pun opportunities dont come to mind that often...) ((another one bitches))
I was tutoring ACT English yesterday when this exchange happened:
"What's a colon used for?"
"Pooping."
He had a cow over his cow not having a cow.
I told them it was one hour long.
Iโm like, thatโs nearly impossible!
We are remodeling my grandmother's house. This includes a new toilet. My dad entered my room today giggling. He replied, still giggling, that my mother was in a rage. After some prodding for explanation, he finally told me that, and I quote, "they only gave her half a toilet."
Now, I'm thinking the tank was in one box and the bottom half was in another, and they only gave her one box. In any case, when worded this way, it IS kind of funny. So, I giggle too. But dad didn't stop there. We laugh for a bit, and then he grins even wider and says:
"I got to thinking, you know, we have a lot of half-ass people around here..."
And that, readers, is how a fairly routine mishap went from "mildly funny" to "too groanworthy to be anything but hilarious".
Looks like two old men in the sea
And I was like "No shit?"
My wife ordered some linen pants from Land's End. She got them earlier this week, and was concerned that since it's October, it's too late in the year to wear them to work. But she really liked the pants.
She made the mistake of asking me what I thought, so I said the first thing that came to mind:
"Linen doubt? Whip it out!"
