My kid said he didnβt want the tri tip I bought him for dinner
So I told him if he didnβt eat, his life would be at steak
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..
I was the best camera man they ever had.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Sep 14 2020
It went from tri-weekly to try weakly.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jul 01 2018
π︎ 129
π
︎ Dec 18 2016
If Michael Cera started a three-part-harmony vocal group, they could be named the Tri-Cera-Tops.
π︎ 111
π
︎ Feb 22 2015
Tri-tip dad joke
Just days after my dad made some tri-tip my family had another get together which my brother-in-law brought some ridiculously good tri-tip. Definitely blew the my dad's stuff out of the water.
Me: "I have to tell you, your tri-tip was good but Nick's (brother-in-law) is next level"
Dad: "Well that may be true but I helped him by giving him advice. In fact, I gave him three pieces of advice. Thats why they call it tri-tip!"
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 22 2016
I tried googling tips to stop procrastinating but I ended up reading about photography
Turns out I canβt focus!
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
A girl named Autumn tried to prank me.
π︎ 577
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
At least heβs trying
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
I tried to find a pun about carpentry
π︎ 280
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
Everyone tried so hard to figure out why Mr. Edwards changed his name to Mr. Evans
But after all these years, it's still a Mr. E
π︎ 769
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
I was going through the checkout when my card didn't work. The cashier said that I should try the card again.
I looked down at my shirt and said, "but I like my polo".
I had to explain it, but once she got it she thought it was hilarious. I'm very proud of this joke.
π︎ 151
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"
"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."
π︎ 693
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
If your ever in a sword fight, try to chop their feet off
Then you will de-feet him
π︎ 110
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You donβt know what youβre missing
π︎ 309
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
I tried to tell a joke about a guillotine
I didn't execute it properly
π︎ 35
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
I tried to catch the fog one day
π︎ 36
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
I tried to come up with a pun about carpentry, but itβs harder than it sounds.
Almost nothing wood work.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
My dad always said, β Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.β
βShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.β
π︎ 238
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that itβs perfectly normal to accidentally poop in your pants, but heβs not buying it. In fact...
Heβs still making fun of me...
π︎ 88
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
π︎ 584
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.
He has selfie steam issues.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
Did you hear about the girl who tried to smuggle drugs in her bra ?
Police said, it led to a bigger bust.
π︎ 70
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.
π︎ 128
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
Ebay is so useless
I searched for lighters but ti only came up whith 14,852 matches
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
I'm here all week! Try the veal!
π︎ 87
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
I tried street racing once and lost.
I was out of breath after two blocks, but the street kept going for miles.
π︎ 65
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if it had something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.
So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.
π︎ 81
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
Tried some viagra in the bedroom with my wife but it got stuck in my throat
I've had a stiff neck for a week
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
I tried to tell my vaccinated friend a COVID joke.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what sheβs up to now.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
Someone tried to tell me a rabbit joke
I told them I don't carrot all for rabbit jokes
π︎ 18
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
I really want to try Kool-Aid, but...
I canβt figure out how to get 2 quarts of water in that tiny little envelope.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
I bought a container of protein powder, but then had to spend several seconds with my fingers knuckle-deep in the powder itself, trying to fish out the little plastic scoop thatβs included.
Man Iβm glad thatβs out of the whey.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump a barbed wire fence?
π︎ 137
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
LPT: If you are trying to stay in a hotel thatβs completely booked, just tell the receptionist that your name is βimprovementβ.
Because thereβs always room for improvement.
π︎ 367
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
I tried an Easter beer...
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
I tried to make a joke about vaccines during the trump era
π︎ 52
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
One time on a road trip we drove through Iowa and stopped at a farm around harvest time. I tried to speak to the farmer about buying some fresh corn π½ but he had no time for me.
βSorry, mister,β he said. βIβm up to my ears in work.β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
I tried smoking pot once.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out of the other.
π︎ 105
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Our trash man tried to make a Dad joke this morning.
But it was a load of rubbish.
π︎ 71
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
What did Snoop Dawg say when he tried the soup in Saigan?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
π︎ 25
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
I'm trying to get better at making jokes from blending words together, but all my attempts turn out bad
Despite all my effort, I can't produce more than a poormansteau at best
π︎ 15
π
︎ Mar 23 2021
I'm putting together a book of tried and true recipes, none of which will include thyme as an ingredient.
>!I've decided the title is going to be 'Thymeless Classics'!<.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
I tried gluing my company's HR policies to myself, but they wouldn't stick...
I guess the rules don't apply to me.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
What did the negatively charged chlorine atom say when uranium tried to take its electron?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
What happens when you try to kick a volcano?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
The guy at the hardware store tried to sell me a 500 ft spool of rope for $2, but I refused.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Mar 21 2021
I tried to find a joke about carpentry
π︎ 28
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
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