My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BeastWhiteKid
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 14 2020
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If Michael Cera started a three-part-harmony vocal group, they could be named the Tri-Cera-Tops.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 112
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zackdinerstein
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 22 2015
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I once dated a phlebotomist whom, when she tried to draw my blood, said "Be positive."

It was then I realized, she wasn't my type.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Venomenace
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 25 2021
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I wanted to be more healthy so tried putting oat milk in my tea.

But it was just too OTT.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Lord_Harkonan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 23 2021
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I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.

Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jmar4234
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2020
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I tried to be a tailor...

but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 23
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 03 2020
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My friend decided he wants to be a podiatrist even though I tried to talk him out of it.

I guess he's put his foot down.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 11 2020
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Realized my boys will someday be dads after the cat tried to sneak outside tonight

Me, to my two boys: "Hazel tried to escape, but I captured her."

Boy 1: (pronunciation) "cap- CHURR!"

Boy 2: "Or... You CAT-tured her!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fuckyeahballpythons
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 31 2020
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I tried explaining to my grandpa that I would be having school online.

He replied confused and worried, "How does that work? Your education is on the line!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/iiSchii
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 19 2020
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If you’re ever trying to do something unexpected, don’t steal someone’s abacus. They’ll be counting on that.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/OverSpeedClutch
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 09 2020
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What do you call a child trying to learn how to be an adult

Adult lessons (adolescence)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/russianpruitt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 14 2020
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I’m trying to be a sociopath, but I realized I’m not great in manipulating people.

I’m more of a so-sopath.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 697
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2019
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MATH JOKES

I’ll leave out the negative jokes here.

Only the positive ones!

You can tri to stop me,

Adding these together just makes it so much better.

We may be divided because of this,

But not all jokes are made equal,

But y=Mx+b jokes are great, yet at some point we have to draw a line. It’s an especially slippery slope to go down.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ColorfulStripedLion
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 06 2021
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Trying to fall asleep a few nights ago, I asked my wife, "If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be?"

She said, "Cats. They check all my boxes." We let that sink in before we both started laughing.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cartgladi8r
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 28 2020
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From r/memes. Don't be mean to me about reposting I'm just trying to show puns to people
πŸ‘οΈŽ 41
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JoJoMcFearson
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 19 2019
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My gf was always preoccupied with being right, so I tried some reverse psychology...

And left

πŸ‘οΈŽ 42
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/808natsu
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2020
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My girlfriend thought it would be funny to replace my medicated shampoo with regular shampoo. I tried to understand why it was funny, but

the joke just left me scratching my head.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/spooninacerealbowl
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 12 2020
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What type of vegetable tries to be cool, but is only partly successful at is?

The Radish

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jt_dunnski
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 23 2020
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I once tried to be a professional juggler

I had to quit, there was just too much up in the air at the time

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/g3ars1997
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 10 2020
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I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, β€œYou know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”

He said, β€œI hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 43
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 14 2019
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My drunk uncle tried to be a lawyer

but he couldn't pass the bar.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/milkchaser
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 11 2020
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My dad tried to be funny at a restaurant.

So my family and I were at a restaurant and my mom wanted a photo of us. She asked a waiter if we could take a picture, and after the waiter said yes, my dad said "we'll take this one" and pointed at a photo on the wall...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheSmileyProject
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 31 2016
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Well, I always try to be positive about the situation.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 57
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HTTYDfan1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 03 2019
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Did you hear about the Pizza Hut driver that tried to be a stand up comedian?

His jokes were terrible but his delivery was spectacular.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/riptide747
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 24 2019
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I have a shared parking lot with my neighbor. I don’t like him much but I’ve decided to try and be friends. After all...

We have a lot in common

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/beybladepenis
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 24 2019
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I try to be frank and earnest with women.

In America I’m Frank, and in Europe I’m Earnest!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Paladin_of_Freedom
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 30 2019
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I think my wife was trying to be clever.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 50
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sonujohny
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 24 2018
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Number wars, a dad joke story.

6 couldn't believe it. 7 had finally gone off the deep end. 7 had long offended 6. A repeat 6 offender if you will. But this was unforgivable. 9 was his best friend. How could he do this to his best friend? How could it be that 7 ate 9?

6, filled with fury, called his friends 2 and 4. They would get even. 10 was the best friend of 7 you see. 2, 4 and 6 ate 10 to get even. They then began plotting further revenge, but 7 acted first. He gathered 1, 3 and 5 together to take down 6.

Realizing that the odds were against them, 2, 4 and 6 retreated. Their only option was to turn to 12 who had twice the resources 6 had. 7 couldn't follow.

12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. 3 wasn't sure. He had only supported 7 because of a long standing friendship. But 3 promised to get to the root cause.

Meanwhile, 7's scheming was not yet done. 12 was powerful, but there was one who could reverse his decision to harbor 6. If he could just convince 21, nicknamed blackjack, to reverse 12's decision, it would all be over.

Three times 7 went to 21's compound. On the third try he was able to get through. After explaining that 6 had masterminded the elimination of 10, a grand meeting of the numbers was called.

Both 6 and 7 argued over the whole thing. 13 had the unlucky task of adjudicating the meeting. Each time 13 made an argument, 6 and 7 would add to it by shouting over each other.

Finally, 21 had had enough. "7, why did you eat 9"

7 responded "I just wanted to get 3 square meals." 21 had 7 eliminated for initiating the battle and 6 jailed for masterminding 10's death. And the war was over.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 27 2021
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My grandpa always said, β€œAlways try to be the fish going against the current.”

Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 143
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 14 2018
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Condom commercials should just be a short clip of a couple trying to enjoy a nice meal in public with children.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DrClapCheeks
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 19 2019
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I tried to think of the cheesiest way to make a goulda cheese pun, but it could always be cheddar πŸ§€
πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lilthickee
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 19 2019
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I was trying to get help for my mental health issues, but the guy helping me turned out to be completely crazy

He was a psycho therapist

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DutchBlob
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 12 2019
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Daughter just asked, "Dad, do you know what you would be if you tried to go to the north pole right now?"

An ice pop.

The dad joke is strong with this 8 year old.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 46
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Baikal2002
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 29 2019
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You can't not say it

In a freak accident today,a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair,the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/frudedude
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 23 2021
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I'm trying to get broomstick to be a more popular mode of transport,

But that's just witchful thinking.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 31 2019
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The worst part about being a ghost is trying to drink coffee.

It just goes right through you.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kshovhan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 14 2019
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I'm not trying to be mean, but this guy looks shady.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PerpetualCrisisHere
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 23 2018
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Ive been trying to grow my food, to be more healthy

I just can't find any bacon seeds

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MezzingChiba
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 08 2019
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My son asked me, β€œBecause of the pandemic, I’m on the computer 12 hours a day. Is that bad?”

Me: That can’t be comfortable. Try a chair instead.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 126
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 25 2021
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I’m trying to be a sociopath, but I’m not that great in manipulating people.

I’m more of a so-so path.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 21 2018
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I tried to be a tailor, but i just wasn't suited for it.

Eh, it was a sew-sew job.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/whydoesthousmell
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 20 2019
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