The rain in Spain falls mainly on the planes
Total pun-upper
So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.
The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.
Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg
My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.
I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.
Hydroxycontin
...because I'm rarely included in things either.
Serfs up!
Yup, i’m positive.
Weird flex, but ok
I work as a cashier/bagger in a local grocery store. I was bagging for another cashier one day when she began to tell the customer their total. “Your total comes to $159 even,” she said. I paused, and said “How can that be even, when 159 is an odd number?”
Spinach
“Oh no! Mi-chelle!”
He didn't get the point
It's totally Hans free now...
"I’m never included in anything either!"
He was a knight without pier.
It was quite hard braking for me.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡He was always looking for the most stable returns.
..it's April Fuel's day.
Thanks in advance!
He walked into my room and says, "Hey dad, can you take a picture of me?"
I thought it was a weird request, but said, "Sure."
As I'm reaching for my phone, he pulls out a framed picture of himself from behind his back he had taken off one of our shelves, hands it to me, and says, "Ok, thanks!" and walks out without even cracking a smile.
I stared at that picture for a few seconds in proud silence.
*edit/update* Wow... I woke up this morning and noticed a ton of notifications. This made my 10 year old very happy so thank you. And thank you for the awards as well. Totally unexpected and unnecessary but very appreciated.
They're knot for eating.
But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.
It's like I never knew herbivore.
Fish and ships.
Courtesy of my 7 y.o.
It was riveting
Cashew!
It was a total flop and nobody came.
It's just canceling your pre order.
In the casket - They put his left leg in and his right leg came out…
This was a few years ago, but my father-in-law loves to tell this story:
He witnessed a car accident at a 4-way stop. Nothing serious, just a fender-bender. The car who had run the stop sign drove off. My FIL pulled over, of course, checked on the driver of the other car, and offered to call the police.
And then he saw it. Laying on the pavement, right at the spot of the impact, was the other car's license plate. He quietly picked it up, set it in his car, and hoped he would get the right set-up.
He was not disappointed. After giving the officer his description of the accident, the officer asked, "Did you happen to get the license plate of the other car?"
FIL, totally deadpan, says, "Why, as a matter of fact..." as he reaches into his car and pulls out the license plate, "I've got it right here."
As if on cue, another officer at the scene came walking up right at that moment, asking, "Was he able to get the plates?"
FIL holds the plate up higher, points to it, "Yep, right here!"
Peak dad joke.
Totaled my car on the way to junior prom. No injuries except a broken pinky toe that got caught on the brake pedal.
Obviously I’m upset when my dad arrives to the scene. He asks if I’m okay and I say yes except my toe.
He seizes the opportunity and says, “Do I need to call a TOE TRUCK?”
Thanks dad(s) for always keeping the mood light. Happy Father’s Day!
Yes, but then it would be called an Edison.
(Credit to u/clintj1975 who posted this in a totally unrelated sub)
It's really hard to find a happy Medium..
At Home Depot buying Sod.
College age Cashier- ok sir, total is $205.42
Me- wow I haven’t spent that much on grass since college….
Cashier- blank face
Can’t win’em all I guess.
The news came totally out of the green to me.
I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles, and now I’m experiencing some unexpected vowel movements. The next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Insurance : Yes. What did you hit?
Me : A fish....
Yolkswagen
Edit: Just discovered this subreddit and I’m already dying of laughter
“Because she has no taste.”
"I've got something in my mouth!"
"No you don't."
"I've got something in my mooouuuth"
"No you don't, you better not" turns around in passenger seat of car to look at her
"See!!! It's my tongue!!!"
...little shit bird.
She is 3 years old and we were on our way to the hospital for her chemotherapy treatment. My daughter will become either a nurse, Dr, or a comedian when she is grown.
The bartender, worried, asks him, "What's wrong? Why are you looking so down today?"
The man answers, "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she would not talk to me for a month."
The bartender, confused, asks, "So, what's wrong with that?"
The man replies, "Tonight is the last day."
It’s a total rip off
Even her blood type is B negative
