until he tried a dodge.
Total pun-upper
So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.
The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.
Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg
My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.
I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.
βBecause she has no taste.β
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
Then I realised, it was on paws.
I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.
But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get involved.
Itβs spends all day doing tik toks.
Thatβs a wurst kase scenario
You know what they say, hair today gone tomorrow
-Why do you want a Ford?
-Because its af-Ford-able!
..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.
Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...
...would be preposterous
Because weβd be admitting 2021.
This comes as little surprise however, as Icelandβs BjΓΆrk has always been worse than their byte.
An Eclipse.
I really wish he would stop laughing at me expense.
βGoodβ he said, βbecause Iβm counting on youβ.
I said, βThanks babe. You Mrs. Right!β
If they fall forwards they will fall into the boat
An Incommunicado
Eh?!
My 11 year old to my 9 year old, as we drive by a cemetery on a hill : "i wonder why they bury people in a hill."
9 year old, in total deadpan: "because they're dead."
Kids: looks up from their phones, βwhy did you do that for?β
Dad: βto scare away the elephants!β
Kids: βwhat elephants?!!β
Dad: βsee itβs working!β
ββ
Thank you! Thank you very much!
in which he lost his cool and had a total meltdown
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals
It's totally pointless!
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patientβs record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.
Fearing for the monkeyβs health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.
They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldnβt possibly be right.
After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.
So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.
CRAYFISH
But they totally missed the punchline.
She looks totally wicket in it.
Theyβre totally flaky.
It's a total rip-off
Sturgeon general
It's a total ripoff!
When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.
When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!
In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.
Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.
A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.
When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?
It's a total rip-off."
