It was a gorgeous shade of red before; now it’s just a burnt Sienna.
But you don't want to hear my Saab story.
Total pun-upper
So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.
The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.
Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg
My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.
I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.
Doctors said his condition is worry sum.
It's really hard to find a happy Medium..
It's like I never knew herbivore.
I pulled up to the window and the clerk said 7 11
I had to say : "I though this was Dunkin donuts"
“Because she has no taste.”
Then I realized, it was on paws.
..for spilling the beans.
It’s out with the new, in with the OLED
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
According to NASA, in 600 million years, the moon's orbit will have increased enough that total solar eclipses will no longer be possible. After that point, the only total eclipses will be lunar and "of the heart".
All You Need Is Lunch
Do You Believe In Life After Lunch
Lunch In An Elevator
She's a countess.
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
Totally came out of the purple
The other 99 read balloons.
But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get involved.
Been trying to think of a good joke about it but I've been totally stumped until now
It's a great way to pass the time!
It’s spends all day doing tik toks.
They are currently shooting the pilot
It totally runs in your jeans
Female here. Even before me and my ex had our son. I was the one telling the dad jokes. Still am--and still getting hell for it, but this was one of my favorites that I was just reminded of...
While going to bed...:
Me: (struggling to untangle bed sheet) Man, I can't believe this sheet...
Ex: (sighs at the pun) Shut up.
Me: (still struggling) This sheet's crazy!
Ex: I'm warning you...
Me: (laughing hysterically now, I've lost my mind) Why? Is it because--
Ex: Don't_you_dare!
Me: Is it because you think these jokes are--pillow me? (ducks under sheet...and gets smacked in the head)
Totally worth it!
So I recently ordered a window cleaning robot: it’s basically a roomba for windows. All of my gadgets have fun pun-names, my regular roomba is Bruce Springclean, my fan is Antonio Fanderas, etc. I need something similar for my window-roomba but I’m totally stuck. Help?
She’s a total rice-ist, but I love her just the same!
You know what they say, hair today gone tomorrow
Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...
So I promised her I'd be totally wreckless.
It was a mistake.
He started to feel better after he passed the first stone.
He had a total meltdown
An Incommunicado
Eh?!
..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.
