Tormenting Puns

Beavers. They're all dammed.

Hailing taxi's

You get two animals in a baaad moood.

I have so say a big thank you to all that contribute these great Dad jokes every day. For the last few months I have been absolutely tormenting my wife with these under the guise of asking a legitimate question or making a statement. It's been a great summer.

It is always darkest before the Don.

My girlfriend was talking about a doctors appointment.

She says "It's another pointless appointment"

Immediately I said "So just an ament?"

She did not think it was very funny but I am rolling! What do you guys think?

(Background: “Sans” is the name of a character in a video game.)

me: If Sans were playing D’n’D and rolled a critical hit, would that be a “sans-crit”?

child: Please don’t talk to me.

Hi,

I'm going with the young'uns to the Audubon Aquarium in a few months and am looking for some Aqua jokes to torment them with as we walk the various tanks.

I have these two:

Old MacDonald had a dolphin, E E E E E
Why do sharks like saltwater?  Pepper water makes them sneeze

My pregnant wife.

We met up at a restaurant, and I ordered some kind of fancy taco. Halfway through the meal, he looks over at the dribbling mess my taco had become and says, "Looks like your taco has a leak."

I carefully set the taco down, opened it up, peered at it for a moment, and replied, "Nope, I think that's an onion."

So, Arthur's dad is writing a letter to his sister when he suddenly feels a sharp pain in his hand. So he yells,

 

ARTHUR! ARTHUR!

"Yeah, Dad, what's going on?"

ARTHUR!

"Dad, what's wrong?"

Quick, don't ask any questions. I'm going to say some words and you write them down.

"Why can't you write them down?"

Arthur, write this.

(If it doesn't make sense, read the last line out loud.)

Anguish muffins

The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says “What’s the problem?”

Moth says “I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I’m too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I’ve gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we’ve ever had to face in this region. Isn’t it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn’t that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there’s my son. Doc, I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn’t such a coward, Doc, I know I’d be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I’d be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I’m judgemental yet I care about nothing. I’m bitter, hateful and afraid. I’m alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease.”
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says “Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I’m a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why’d you come in here?”
The moth says,”Your light was on.”

This is what I got him for Christmas this year:

http://i.imgur.com/3luzi1J.jpg

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

I'm currently teaching at a summer program for kids going into 1st grade through 6th grade. I've been using the opportunity to relentlessly torment the kids with dadjokes and puns, naturally.

This morning, one of my 6 year olds was having breakfast. She looked down at the oatmeal and said "Oooh, this is hot, and I'm cold."

She then instantly looked up at me and insisted "Don't call me cold, don't call me cold, don't call me cold!"

I'm so proud.

A white horse fell in the mud.

I always hated this joke. Figured I'd let it torment you too.

An old-slow snail decides one day that he has had enough of the townsfolk belittling him for his pace. He spends about three-days making his way over to the Car-Dealership so that he can buy himself a sports car.

While at the dealership he asks the salesman if they will customize his Corvette for him. The Salesman replies, "Sure! What can we do for you!?"

The snail replies, "I would like you to paint a big, red "S" on the side of my car?"

The salesman says, confused, "Of course we can."

The customization is done and the Salesman turns to the Snail and says, "We're all finished, but I have to ask---While looking through your information I couldn't find any reason why you would want an 'S' on your car---Your first or last name doesn't start with 'S', So--Why the heck did you want that 'S' on your car?!"

The Snail turns to him and replies gently- " For years I have been tormented by the people of my town, and now I'll get to fly by them in my fancy sports-car, and they'll all say: 'Wow! Look at that 'S' Car go!"