Thrifty Puns

He couldn't make both ends meat.

is also called a widow

A Scot named Wayne MacTavish was a very frugal, thrifty painter. He often thinned the paint with turpentine to make it go a wee bit further.

He got away with this for some time - until the Baptist church decided to do a restorative painting on the outside of one of its biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his was the lowest, he got the job.

He set about erecting the scaffolding with the planks, and then bought the paint. And, yes, I am sorry to say, he thinned the paint with turpentine.

Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, with the job nearly completed. Suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing all the thinned paint off the church. Wayne was knocked clear off the scaffolding and landed on the lawn among the gravestones. He was surrounded by little puddles of thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool, He knew this was a judgement from the almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,

"oh, God, forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,

"Repaint! Replaint and thin no more!"

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left. Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty. Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married. Man: Yes, that's true too.

Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.