"Battery case contains assault".
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit ➡You’re very handsome.
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Mississippi
A Car.
No?
Well well well
Well, well, well.
They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Solid, liquid and gas
Push and Pull.
Nine.
Piiig
It works better in speech...
Man: I wanna be rich!
Genie: What is your second wish, Rich?
You walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Those who can count, and those who can not.
(Another post reminded me of this. The great grandfather of mine in question passed away 4 years ago. He also always used to tell me “water is for bathing, always remember that” while he drank a glass of anything alcoholic. Funny thing is he only drank like one small glass a day. Sorry for rambling).
To prevent bat breath.
He really whiffed hard.
He retorted, "Don't call me Three Years Old I'm Dad."
I have never been more proud.
Uno.... Dos..... Poof
He disappeared without a tres
I didn't like the beard at first, but I gotta admit, it's growing on me.
Because Une-Deux-Troi quatre cinq.
I’m surprised none of them saw it
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
Because that would be tutu many, obviously.
I’m thinking extra virgin
Must be the high Mercury content.
Their menu was titled “The Pie Rates of Penn’s Aunts”.
Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?
Me: What?? Why not?
Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!
and not using commas.
I've heard nothing since.
A small medium at large.
I’m neapoliTAN!
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”
The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
It was acute triangle, I must admit!
The post office.
"HI THREE WEEKS LATE I'M DAD"
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey stood nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all... hawk, lion and stinker.
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
The plot thickens.
I said that must be hard to pronounce.
Que eye rolls from her, laughter from my friends.
The were The Ruff Riders.
The grape. He was the only one who went raisin.
It had a bird defect
I'd hate to see a regular sized wave
...he told me I was lack toast intolerant.
Curly fries.
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
why did the first elephant fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
why did the tree fall over?
it thought it was an elephant.
Because the cow's got the udder!
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here!"
They go outside and one of the strings messes up his hair and ties himself up. He walks back inside and the bartender says, "Aren't you one of those strings I just got rid of?"
The string says, "I'm a frayed knot!"
“I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”
-
He believes in Santa.
-
He doesn't believe in Santa.
-
He is Santa.
I didn't even know they could knit!
Ketchup!
They just suspended animation.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.
The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)"
Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!)
The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own.
"Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance).”
Didn’t want to interrupt.
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
They said, "This is a robbery," and everybody relaxed a little.
Not good at math
He was resisting a rest.
I'm looking for the man who shot my paw
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"
The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"
Winning by forfeit
But three rights make a left.
It was an odd love triangle...
1:
2:
3:
Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.
Those who can count and those who can’t.
It must be the high Mercury content.
Must be the high Mercury content.
Walk it, and pitch to the Tiger.
But then he disappeared without a tres...
Because the cow has the utter
Because the cow has the udder.
Piiig
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Those who can count, and those who can’t.
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I’m here for the man who shot my pa(w).”
