Policeman: Can you describe the shooter? Waiter: 6 feet, white male, grey shirt and a skirt made of parsley. P: Parsley? W: Yes. It was just a herb he wore.
The Quaranteens
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
I said "Are you kidding, I didn't even see the accident." (Props to the Unknown Comic.)
The witness replied "I don't know, they just ransomware."
The judge dismissed it as hare say.
"That's the spirit!"
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
It’s either a hit or Amish.
One is a cat loaf and the other is a cattle oaf.
It’s called the Witch Tower Society.
He woke up like 5 minutes later tho
Carrie underwood
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
The Italians dont like any witnesses
The children all lived in a nearby apartment complex. The younger siblings lived in apartment 8D and the older ones lived in apartment 9D. Detective Johnson advised Detective Smith that she probably shouldn’t bother question 8D’s children about what they saw, since they’re too young to have a reliable memory. He believed that Smith would have a better chance of getting good information from the older children, since only 9D’s kids will remember.
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to shoot the witnesses.
Apparently he was the key witness.
Stolen from dad jokes.
Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.
Because hips don't lie.
I was at the shopping maul.
It was an Otis wedding.
Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts
Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)
Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.
Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics
Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics
Leaky faucet: drip pics
X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics
X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)
X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics
X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics
Legal command: Writ pics
Pictures of twigs: Stick pics
A Christmas Story scene: lick pics
Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics
Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)
Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.
Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.
Just witnessed the greatest dad joke of all time. This woman was about to leave the grocery store with a full cart. All of a sudden this older man runs over and says “let me open the door for you”. He walks in front of the automatic door, waves his hand to open it and proudly walks away as it opens automatically. He is my role model in life.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Turns out he was a shit driver..
It was mist defying.
They tend to frame people.
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
The thieves were easily idefinied from all of the iWitness accounts
Its ok though, they caught the guy, there was an iWitness.
- Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
- Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
- Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.
[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition
This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.
The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.
The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.
One is a Loch Ness
The other is "Knock less"
..Then you can witness The Fall of Rome.
Thought I better not wake him up
you'll have a sarcasm
My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.
He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.
And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.
My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.
They told the cops that they had just witnessed a kid napping.
Sorry to dampun your spirits
I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.
I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.
As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.
I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.
Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"
They don't like any witnesses.
The police interviewed me because I was an iWitness.
In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"
And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!
The police wanted to interview me because I was an iWitness.
