It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...

I don't think anyone is shocked.

(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/christag
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Whats the last thing a serial killer hears before he kills his next victim

Snap crackle pop

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaClassyPancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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(True story) My GF asked me to kill a spider in the bathroom today.

It was so small that I couldn't even see it at first. She had to point it out, a tiny brown pinhead crawling up our slightly-darker-brown cabinet about knee-high.

"How did you even see that?" I asked.

And she answered, "With my spider-sense."

I love this woman so, so much.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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The only way to kill a French vampire is to slowly drive a baguette through its heart.

The process is a little painstaking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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How do you "kill the lights"?

You hang them from the ceiling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/McDimps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I went back in time to kill the person that made bread.

Now he yeasts to exist.

One I came up with myself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/niiigggaaa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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What’s yellow and kills you if you get it in the eyes?

A school bus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HollacaustFiesta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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What's the best way to kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharmingTuber
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Why did the socialist kill all the average workers at his factory?

He wanted to cease the means of production

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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The other night I tried to kill a vampire with a really big pointy stick, but my aim was terrible.

It was a giant missed stake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jzerene
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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What is the name of the assassin that only kills candles?

John Wick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthatbrownguy91
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Why did the crazy Mexican kill people on trains?

He has loco-motives

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Kills 99% of germs, the rest 1% cause bad puns.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MShafiS
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Why did the French chef want to kill himself?

He lost the huile d'olive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skepticCanary
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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In the movies, silver bullets can kill werewolves.

In the military, it's used for analyzing heat casualties.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Did you here about the murderer that only kills people with pepper?

They call him the ex-achoo-tioner

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Headless_05
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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Why did the scientist researching death and the afterlife kill himself?

He was dying to know what happens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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What did the sniper say when asked why he couldn't kill his target when he realized it was his long lost best friend?

"I really missed him."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevehrowe2
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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How did the English teacher kill her self - cliff hanger!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xmattar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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I thought the suspension would kill me.

When the bridge slowly began to collapse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JadedByEntropy
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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Why did the train kill the other train for no good reason?

He had loco-motives

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πŸ‘€︎ u/souphead420
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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Why did the terminator kill people even after retirement?

He was an ex-terminator

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vdtxdtc_chf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.

It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EternalMotivation
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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Pun enters the room and kills 10 people.

Pun in. Ten dead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sharmaamit92
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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What genre of book can the author not kill off the main character?

Autobiography

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kool_Kunk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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Why did the world's tallest man kill himself

He had no one to look up to.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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Why did the lion born in 2010 kill the deer born in 2016?

Because the lion pre-dates the deer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/avianthon8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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What is it called when you kill someone with a bow from the high ground?

Death from a bow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonskuz15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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Look at that guy Russian to kill the joke
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Devanshi1618
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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Since vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don’t just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why there are so many vampires from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JuIius_Seizure95
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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How did the hunter kill the polar bear?

He hit him right between the ice!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaihemGaming
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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The dwarf fortune teller who kills his costumers...

...is a small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sanguinelimbo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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We finally obtained the secret weapon to kill the evil Dolphin King!

It kind of defeats the porpoise, though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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My wife told me to take the spider out rather than kill it

We got some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimmehslithers
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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How did the triangle kill the square?

With a hypote-noose!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soosoos19926
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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How do you kill a ghost using liquor that has been frozen in the shape of an icicle?

Spear it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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Why did the maniac kill the train engineer?

He had a loco-motive.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Humor_Tumor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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The tiger got loose at the circus and made it's first kill quick.

It went right for the juggler.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jamman1358
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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Did you hear about the polish guy who thought is wife was trying to kill because he found β€œpolish remover” in the house ...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicymember
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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It's not the fall that kills you...

...It's the sudden stop at the end

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamingGod07770
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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