Thought y’all might enjoy these illustrated puns I found on the back of my English lit class notes from high school 🙃
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists launch sneak attack on the periodic table.....
Add the element of surprise.
John Maynard Keynes opposed the creation of the London Marathon.
He thought we'd all die in the long run.
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
I have a new pen that can write underwater, and in a volcano and on the north pole.
It can write other things too.
Did you see the news about the new virus infecting people ears ?
Experts believe best defense to be heard immunity
I came from the psychiatrist and I have good and bad news
Breaking news regarding the notorious abuser of a certain Irish novelist.
News just in: In a terrible accident at the Nestlé factory today, a crate of chocolate fell from height trapping an employee.
Every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me", his co-workers cheered.
NEWS FLASH! The toilet has been stolen from the local police station.
Police say they've got nothing to go on.
If someone told me tomorrow is the start of a new month...
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
UFO's have been in the news a lot lately but no one seems to care.
Frankly, I think it must be over most people's heads.
Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
They have great food but no atmosphere
On the way to work, I saw the Channel 13 news truck getting towed.
I guess they really wanted that breaking news.
On the news there was a report of a cheese factory exploding in France.
Where can you read about the latest news at the beach?
Did you hear the news about The Underground Railroad?
They were confronted by one of the officials and got arrested for blackmailing
I just got a new job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us on the production line
so I have to make every second count.
I heard on the news, a man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun.
Apparently he's now completely recovered
Did you see in the news, that artist who varnished his girlfriend with cheese?
Saw the trailer for the new Top Gun movie
It looked kinda plane to me
A man was digging holes for a new fence and got mad at the ground for ignoring his conversation
"What.... am I boring you?"
Have you seen the blind guy on the news lately?
My new girlfriend works at the zoo
Did anyone see the news story about the HIV virus mutating to affect citrus plants?
Darth Vader found his new wife near the stairs...
There’s a new virus out called the Peekaboo virus!
They recommend if you catch it to proceed straight to the ICU.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases?
They are really making headlines!!!
Did you hear about the new male birth control lotion?
Last week my daughter asked me for the new iPhone.
I said, you can only have one of those, if you get good grades, do your chores and follow house rules.
If you don't, it will be a much cheaper phone.
Basically, its my way or the Huwaei....
I bought a new leaf blower the other day.
I didn’t really need one, but it was a stihl of a deal!
Did you hear that the invisible man had a new job offer the other day? He turned it down!
Apparently, he couldn't see himself doing it...
News flash: A sewage truck exploded on the highway.
Many nearby were left with turd debris burns.
Did you hear about the guys who commuted between London and Paris every day?
They ended up with Carpool Chunnel Syndrome.
My wife tried to tell our cat that we would all be flying to a new home, but the cat seemed unimpressed.
I explained that the cat doesn’t understand plane English.
I’ve come up with a new word for when you remove your bra at the end of the day: Gravititty
Did you hear about Dr. Suess' new book about a Japanese warrior in the town of Whoville?
Was planning a big announcement that I’m watching the new Marvel TV show.
But I’m keeping it low key.
I don’t know how I feel about the new show Loki
I guess you could say I’m low key not loving it
I just got a new personal best in the 100 metre sprint.
So my son bought his first house. It was a fixer-upper that needed a new roof. He had to skimp on the lumber 🪵.
I've started playing chess in the park to help me meet new people, I've now got a new Polish mate
Have you heard the news that Liberty University is suing the founder’s son and former university president?
That Jerry doesn’t Fall Well.
Did you hear about the new movie about tropical birds, starring Ben Stiller?
It's called "Meet the Parrots"
A sequel is already in the works: "Meet the Flockers"
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
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