My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.

No idea why the school hired him.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...

My wife is all ears

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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I made a clone of Patrick Stewart but something went terribly wrong.

The clone slammed me into a wall and lifted me by the neck. What could I do? I’d been hoisted by my own Picard.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigger3370
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Although its drawn terribly, it's still a pun
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xstress875
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.

I was driving people bananas.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My pastry making business failed terribly.

We never managed to have a good turnover.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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I was the solo support act for minor local rock group, 'Nothing'. My set went terribly. I was out of tune, really nervous, the equipment was failing too. The crowd began to boo and leave in droves.

I said, "you ain't seen Nothing yet!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mittenshape
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Warlord assassination attempt gone terribly wrong.

A navy SEAL sniper was dispatched from a submarine on the coast of Africa with the mission of traveling inland to quietly take out a warlord. His only link to his superiors on the submarine was cellular messaging device. He arrived and had to lay in cover for days. A pride of lions eventually settled around him, making him very nervous. Circumstances then necessitated immediate action so the commander sent the SEAL messages ordering him to clear the area before the strike. Being in the midst of the pride the soldier couldn't move to check his phone. He then perished in the attack.

However, this is not the first person to miss the subtext because they couldn't read between the lions.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/possferatu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Fellow cook just got me so terribly

This just happened 5 minutes ago. I work in a busy kitchen and I was changing these white trash bags around the kitchen. As I start heading outside with them, I'm moving around cooks while saying "coming through". This guy corrects me and says "say white trash". So I start yelling "white trash coming through" while everyone stares at me.

I can't believe I just fell for that.

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perniciousus
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Why did the elephant make a terribly slow getaway driver?

His trunk was filled with water.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2016
🚨︎ report
A terribly good one from my Dad this evening.

As soon as I get home for the weekend he opens with the question: "Do you know why there are a lot of Scots called Donald but very few called Walt? Most people say it's because they think Walt is an English name but that's not true. It's because Walt always hits his head on the door. Why?

(In the worst Scottish accent imaginable) Because Donald Ducks but Walt Disney.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uresus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Be careful: if you keep making these terrible puns...

...you could get be charged with 'assault with a dad-ly weapon'.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...

So there were 6 of us...

With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)

There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".

Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"

The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.

Best day of my comedic life

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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Send me your terrible puns and I will make equally terrible MS Paint adaptations
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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5 Terrible Puns
  1. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

  2. If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… Guardian of the Galaxy

  3. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

  4. I Googled β€œHow to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

  5. I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/punsdaily
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
We may not be able to seat you inside just now but we can supply some terrible puns.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Terrible Pun (Don't Read It)

Oh yeah, I'm a gamer. A gay Mercedes.

(Gay means happy too!)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anonymous-Dude1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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terrible editing but equally terrible pun
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PawnToG4
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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I love drawing terrible puns.
πŸ‘︎ 553
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randyotter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Just came up with two terrible puns

A friend and I got into a debate about what the best medieval weapon was. He said it was the warhammer while I said it was the mace. Our argument got so heated that we haven't talked to each other in five days. Talk about blunt force drama.

I was walking down the street when a man threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I turned around and shouted, "What the Hellman?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UltimaBahamut93
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
One Instagram caption, eight terrible puns. imgur.com/VSfsNPf
πŸ‘︎ 225
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Individual4815
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
🚨︎ report
I found some really terrible puns yesterday.

Most of them were already torn away by the time I'd gotten to 'em!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearinthegarden14
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
🚨︎ report
These are terrible puns ipfs.pics/QmfMPCY8StECurX…
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dachewie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2015
🚨︎ report
And I thought I told terrible puns...

I was out shopping with my dad looking to buy a wedding gift. While I'm waiting in line to make my purchase, a woman set down her purchase (about twenty binders) next to my gift on the conveyer belt. Naturally my dad questioned her bizarre purchase, to which she responded that she desperately need to organize her documents. Without missing a beat, he grinned and exclaimed, "Well I guess you were in quite a bind!"

The lady actually had quite a laugh, whereas I groaned and grumbled.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hambungler
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
🚨︎ report
I cook and clean for my family on the condition that they put up with my terrible puns...

...it's the dadliest catch.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phredgreen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2016
🚨︎ report
Random terrible puns I came up with using (some of) the 50 States
  • Alaska girl out when the times right
  • Arkansas right? (Ar Can Saw right?)
  • I’ll California
  • He’s gonna Florida car!
  • Iowa lot of money right now
  • He was in a state of Missouri for the past few days
  • He’s the Maine character of the book
  • Mind Washington dishes tonight?
  • Can I get a Minnesota with my burger?
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GodofWar1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
🚨︎ report
Even back then, I made terrible puns youtube.com/watch?v=d5esy…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Merry Christmas, Reddit. Here is a terrible pun.

Why did F get coal for Christmas? Because it was not E.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Archagent
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2012
🚨︎ report
Not a dad yet, but I can feel the terrible puns trying to break free.

Tried a new pillow last night and when I woke up today my wife asked me if I thought it was comfortable enough. "It has it's fluffs and downs" I said. Much eye rolling was had.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GazelleThree
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
🚨︎ report
Why do people order stuff at the deli?

Because they think the food is deli-ciois.

(I work at a deli that is so slow that I have time to make these terrible puns.)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KissTDss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2017
🚨︎ report
A truly epic win

This story happened, just shortly after my daughter was born, at work.

I had a coworker who hated puns. I had made a particular bad one, I completely forget what it was. Just an on the fly thing.

Suddenly my coworker stands up and the following exchange happens:

Him (loudly proclaiming): Puns are awful. They're terrible. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. Only the most infantile people laugh at puns. We need to have a pun jar... like a swear jar, but instead of swearing we put a quarter in it every time someone makes a pun.

Me: (after a short silence) That sounds like a GREAT idea.

Him (confused): No, it's like a swear jar but you put money into it when you swear.

Me: Yeah I understand that

Him: You'd be the hardest hit with that.

Me: Yeah, I understand that. Nevertheless it has my wholehearted support.

Him: (Now very VERY confused) Why would you support something that would hurt you more than anyone else?

Me: Because... we could totally call it the PUNishment jar.

There were three people who clearly heard this exchange. Each one busted out laughing so hard... one of them was pounding his fist into his desk. The look on this poor guy's face: priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2016
🚨︎ report
The Ice Chest

First post in puns. Said this awesome thing, wanted to share. We were in Chemistry class, a notoriously freezing room.

I said "man, it feels like your ice chest in here!"

She said "my ice chest?"

I said "yeah, you have a nice chest!"

And she looked at me like I just said a terrible pun. In reality the pun was awesome.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OuterPace
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
🚨︎ report
My theatre dadjoke

So I just realized that my "epic" theatre joke is also a dadjoke.

Now this requires some explaining before I get to the joke. I just completed my 55th theatre production - mostly community theatre; most designing and running sound, but I get on stage sometimes. A decade or so ago, I came up with a terrible pun. Told it, got groans, and promptly forgot about it.

A production or two later, someone said - "Hey, aren't you going to tell your joke?" It took a little prompting to remind me of it. Once I was reminded, I told the joke - to more groans.

I enjoyed the groans so much - and was touched that someone remembered the joke that I'd forgotten. So I did decide it was going to forevermore be: THE JOKE.

So the NEXT production, I started warning people that "The Joke" was coming. One or two remembered the previous time I'd told it, and reacted - "Oh god. Please no."

So now it has truly become a thing. Every production I'm in, I start reminding people that The Joke is coming, and the reactions from those who know the joke really help set up the anticipation.

So finally it happens. Most theatre productions I've been in run Fri-Sat-Sun performances. And thus, as I explain, I can only tell The Joke after the last Friday night's performance ends, and before the last Saturday's performance begins. It shifts if the days are different because The Joke depends on the number of remaining shows.

So, finally that time period comes, and I explain that I can only tell the joke during that time period, only the once per production - from auditions to strike - and that we're in that period of time.... which is known as.... the "cancer period". AND would you like to know WHY this period of time is known as the "cancer period"?

(at which point the tension for the punchline is usually quite palpable)

"Because we have...... TUMOR!" (as I hold up two fingers).

This is usually followed by shouts to "GET OUT!" and threats of violence against my person. hehehe

And the NEXT time, when I start warning that "The Joke" is coming, most of these groan "Oh god... no...." and helps set it up for the next poor bunch of folks who haven't yet heard it. :)

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IsaacEiland-Hall
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2017
🚨︎ report
A colleague's friend named Heidi can't do expressions due to botox...

I guess you could say the botox is Heidi-ing her expressions!

(I am not well liked at work today as I've been on form with terrible puns)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HadrasVorshoth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
🚨︎ report
Dadjoking Shorty (part 1)

A bit of backstory. I'm notorious among my circle of friends for telling "terrible puns/jokes" I think it's amazing, but I'd been rolling them out all day, patience for puns must've gotten shortened.

I'm talking with Shorty (named because she had short hair) and she was telling me about a book she had started.

Shorty "So the book's called 'Cutting for Stone' and it's like a doctor drama kinda thing, the only issue is that that it's super heavy on the medical terminology, so many bloody surgeries and procedures are listed, and I don't really know anything about that kids stuff. Like it's got an interesting plot but I don't know if I can't finish it, I'm not to sure I'm cut out for it"

At that last line I began laughing (her pun was unintentional) and compliment her on it "ha that was good. You're not 'cut out' for it"

Shorty "Oh god that was terrible just stop"

Me "You want me to 'cut' it out?"

Shorty "I'm going to kill you if you keep this up woman"

Me "You're gonna 'cut' me up?"

Shorty "Your jokes are terrible and it's proven that puns make people angry"

At this point I was just rolling in my chair laughing I really couldn't keep it together, possibly the best reply rolls through my head after this comment, I crack up, there I am choking out as tears come to my eyes. "Well it's a good thing it's not a PUNishable offense"

The girl next to me starts laughing as shorty yells at me how I can't just start crying at my own jokes.

TLDR; A witty banter of sharper than usual humor, as I walk a razor thin line of pissing off my friend and pissing myself with laughter.

I have many other stories so I titled this part one,if anybody likes my writing and jokes I'll share the rest!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bingo4913
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
🚨︎ report
I was going to tell my friend a terrible bowling joke

But then I spared him

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slightedninja
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.

β€œI live in Spain without the β€˜s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the β€œBah”.

  1. I have a double China without the β€œa”.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the β€œan”.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the β€œJ”.

  5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the β€œKu”.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the β€œNe”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the β€œDen”, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anipanreads
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a terrible fight with my left ear.

And that was the last time I heard from it.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pifgig
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are KKK members terrible car mechanics?

They never check under the hood.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/morsodo99
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend who is a panda makes a terrible father

Because all he does is eats, shoots and leaves

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adam14brfc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend told me I did a terrible Elvis impression

I replied "Thank you, thank you very much."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/borna761
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was Cinderella terrible at football?

Because she kept running away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin!

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nCRedditor-21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...

Over a million soles were lost.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
People on Tinder must be terrible at basketball.

Everyone on there says they love traveling.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother lost his left arm and left leg in a terrible auto accident.

He is all right, now.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/numberthu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
This year has been pretty terrible

Next year is looking better. Unfortunately the one after that is going to be Twenty Twenty too.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sheps11
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is Gandalf a terrible teacher?

He starts by telling you that you shall not pass.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dave7243
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a terrible dream where I was being chased by a female horse after sunset.

It was a night mare.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever need someone who's terrible at hiding

You know where I am.

πŸ‘︎ 643
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoElseButAlf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
These Jokes are terrible. Do you know what is more terrible?

Paper.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaaletram
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.

β€œI live in Spain without the β€˜s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the β€œBah”.

  1. I have a double China without the β€œa”.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the β€œan”.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the β€œJ”.

  5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the β€œKu”.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the β€œNe”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the β€œDen”, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anipanreads
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report

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