With so many sporting events canceled, they’re going to televise the World Origami Championship.

It’s on Paperview

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rockboxatx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'

It's on paperview

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear? Since COVID-19 has everyone is stuck at home, and sports networks need content, they've decided to televise competitive bathroom sports.

It'll be on the channel E. S. Peein.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Howardyoudoing95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
With the lack of sports on television, networks are going to show the world origami championship.

It’ll be on paper view.

πŸ‘︎ 90
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VikingLord17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Whoever named it a television ...

Should've called it a watching machine.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw an ad in a shop window, β€œTelevision for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought

β€œI can't turn that down.”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CulturedGrass
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What television video interface standard was created by Yoda?

HDMI?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. "Am I homosexual?" Asked the newslady. "Neigh," said the horse.

The newslady turns to the camera and says, "you heard it folks. 'Straight' from the horses mouth."

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
We talk about groundbreaking inventions like electricity, and sliced bread, and television...

But how come nobody ever mentions the jackhammer?

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I walked by a store with a sign that said β€œTelevision $1- volume stuck on full”

I thought to myself β€œI can’t turn that down!”

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
🚨︎ report
When "The Untouchables" first appeared on television in 1959, it was very popular...

People tuned in like gangbusters!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies

She Satired

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bruce_Wang007
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Television is a medium

Because anything we'll done is rare

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rigatavr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
someone asked me if i wanted to watch Black Entertainment Television...

i said BET

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/red_raider1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Joke by my wife

There we were, sitting by the hearth last night.

Man on the television set: "Vote blue, no matter who."

Mother: "Father, do you think he means our darling pooch"?

Blue: Snoring on the rug, fat and lavish

Me: "Mother, you are a sensational one. Outrageous!"

Mother: With her head tilted back, unleashes a hearty guffaw

I thought you might enjoy this roguish exchange as much as mother and I did πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trenlow12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Maria, Marcos, and Maveric were siblings. Maria was ploting a prank on her brothers, so being the good friend i am, i had to...
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/im_not_inevitable
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the television do at the beach?

Channel surf!

Courtesy of my 6 y/o

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BloodyDaft
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Why is television called a communications medium?

Because it is neither rare nor well done.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthEwok42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2016
🚨︎ report
There should be a Network Television show to inform teens about the dangers of unprotected sex.

They can call it "Genital Hospital".

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2017
🚨︎ report
I saw this advert in a window that said: "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." ipfs.pics/QmW69HATNpMdjqj…
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dachewie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2015
🚨︎ report
What is a germaphobe's favorite kind of television?

Soap-operas

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2017
🚨︎ report
The television is too loud

Last night, my son said to me, "Dad, the television is too loud. Can you see what the volume is?" I said, "The volume is 7000 cubic inches." My son looked puzzled, so I said, "You asked what the volume was." He groaned when he realized what I said.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dawsonju
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?

I guess you can say the baby was airborne

Edit: Sorry if the joke is terrible, I just made it up.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wise_Guy_Plato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm giving away a brand new television. Problem is, volume is all the way up and can't be changed.

"Can't turn that down."

(Stolen from Gus Johnson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-w0h3g07aE )

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shay9999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2016
🚨︎ report
Our two year old has started calling the television 'The TB'

My wife: "That's a fair name for it, because it consumes all his attention"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/desultir
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Tim Duncan dadjokes national television after winning the Finals

"It's been fifteen years since you won your first championship, what is the biggest difference between then and now?"

"15 years probably"

Tim Duncan's the man Basing this off of memory, don't remember word for word actually

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Leviiii
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad asked if we wanted to see a picture of his pride and joy [x-post /r/funny]

He took this out of his wallet. Apparently he's been caring it around since the 80s: http://imgur.com/ri2NcWR. Making dad jokes before he was even a dad!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cali_grown22
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
🚨︎ report
Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
One I heard on the Johnny Cash show: "My wife and I haven't had a single fight in our house"

Guest: "What's your secret?"

Cash: "We go in the yard"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Youngblood519
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2017
🚨︎ report
My friend hung up random stuff on the walls. I noticed this: Coca Korra imgur.com/FATuzV0
πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bibbleskit
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2015
🚨︎ report
If it weren't for electricity…

…we would all be watching television by candlelight.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad just got a new TV...

...and we were discussing first title he could watch on his new television.

Dad: "I think I'll watch 'Gravity' first"

Me: "I saw that one."

Dad: "Where did you see that?"

Me: "Pirate Bay."

Dad: "Was it in 3D?"

Me: "Nope. Pirate Bay doesn't have any movies in 3D."

Dad: "Why not?"

Me: "Because of the eye patches."

It took a few seconds for the penny to drop.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ign1fy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2014
🚨︎ report
We should get Subway for dinner.

Me: We should get Subway for dinner.

-Subway commercial comes on television-

Me: Look, it's a sign!

Dad: No, it's a commercial.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sevectro
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2015
🚨︎ report
A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
🚨︎ report
I saw a sign in a shop that said: "Information desk". So I walked over to it.

"Dear desk," I said, putting my ear to the wood. "Where can I find your televisions?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Arrr, it's a muteny!

A customer walks into a television shop and witnesses the shopkeeper trapped in a circle of tvs. All the customer can hear is the man whimpering and exclaiming, "I'm sorry, Im sorry; I won't sell any more of you!" The onlooker approaches and notices all of the tvs are displaying nothing but white noise on their screens, and all seem to be on mute.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skaebo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Electricity joke over dinner

Me, jokingly to my mother, "what did they do to pass the time before television and radio?"

Mother - I don't know, people probably held scrolls up to the candle light because there was no electricity

Dad - That's why they called it the Dark Ages dear.

My father and I were the only ones who appreciated that one.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yaminub
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Weather

I work in television. It's going to be very windy today in our area.

Weather guy: "The wind is going to be apparent today."

Me: "Aw, I didn't even know the wind was pregnant!"

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kibasoul
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad is going to bed

The other night, my mum and I were sat watching television like any other night. My Dad comes upstairs and begins whispering something over and over. At first I thought he might be looking for something, but he came in to the living room saying the same thing. "ittanight", "ittanight". Until my mom with a puzzled look, asked what he was doing. He looked at us with a devilish grin and says "Just calling ittanight".

πŸ‘︎ 195
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuintusMaximus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2015
🚨︎ report
TV for just a buck!

60" TV for sale - only $1! Why so cheap, you may ask? Well the volume is stuck at max, but that's a very minor inconvenience for an otherwise perfectly beautiful television. Jump on this deal quick! You can't turn it down!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xechorizo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad's Fall Out Boy joke.

My dad and I were watching a live concert series on television, and eventually Fall out Boy came on.

"Who's that?"

"It's Fall Out Boy"

"How come I've never heard of them?"

"Well, they had a huge gap in between albums."

"Would you say they had a falling out?"

^^^Goddamitdad

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/metromachine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad while we're watching the news...

If a ban were placed on watching television what would it be called?

The teleban

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ATF628
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad spotted a sign in the supermarket and couldn't resist

I was in the supermarket with my dad when we passed by a giant cooler fool of seafood.

He got my attention and pointed at a sign beside the cooler, reading ATTENTION: THIS AREA IS MONITORED BY CLOSED-CIRCUIT TELEVISION AT ALL TIMES before saying:

"I'm glad the management is making sure nothing FISHY is going on!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mikerothepsycho
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Bushman.

my dad sits down next to me and my buddy while we were watching some television right? he says to us, "you know why they call me the bush man lavaponcho?" i replied, "no dad (having heard this jokes millions of times) why do they call you bush man?".... he replies," i drink Busch, i eat Bush and i smoke Bush." end of story...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LavaPoncho
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
🚨︎ report
How is South Park received in countries outside the U.S?

Through their television sets.

credit: http://bit.ly/1K3ZWsc

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roman_obrien
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2015
🚨︎ report
The definition of a Dad Joke

I was watching the terrible television show Long Island Medium with my Dad and I said, "I could probably be a Medium" Dad says, "And I could be a small".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nflebl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2015
🚨︎ report
So my dad bought a TV

I came home one day to find we had a new big screen television. It has some pretty stunning high definition and I said "Man, that resolution is SHARP"

Without missing a beat, my old man replied "Nope. Sony."

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyMotMot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2013
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Dancer Names

As a father of three, by far my favorite Dad Joke has to be claiming things as my "Dancer Names". I have at least one or two a week.

It's whenever someone says something in conversation which sounds like it could be a Stripper name. Off the top of my head, here are some I've used:

"Yummy Cupcakes", "Pansy Taboo", "Stamen Fuzz", "Dark Almond", "Squeeze Bacon", "Bolt Upright"

I'll often follow it up with a hint as to what that show may just be like.

Guy on television: "The bee is now covered in stamin fuzz..."

Me: "'Stamen Fuzz' is my dancer name. Quite a show; not for the allergic."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DaveboNutpunch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Without missing a beat.

Television: "More news about the Sriracha lawsuit, live at 10."

Dad: "Wow, saucy."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/headabovethewater
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
🚨︎ report
Failure.

I was headed to my kitchen with some friends whem my dad was watching TV in the living room beside the kitchen, watching television. I was talking about 'your mom' jokes with my friends, and one of them said "but you always set yourself up!" I ask,

"For what?"

When I hear from the living room,

"For failure!"

When all of the sudden, my friends burst out laughing and my dad literally was crying from laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kameronb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2014
🚨︎ report
With so many supporting events being canceled, they're going to televise the World Origami Championships.

It will be on Paperview.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the World Origami Championship.

It’s on Paperview!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dennyitlo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
With so many sporting events being cancelled they’re having to televise the World Origami Championship...

It’s on paperview.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/niloc12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
With so many sporting events being cancelled, they're having to televise the world origami championships.

They're on paperview.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben_Zedd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The national Origami Championship is on television tonight.

It's on paper view.

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alunde05ps
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw an ad in a shop window, β€œTelevision for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought

β€œI can’t turn that down”

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw an ad in a shop window "television for sale 1$, volume stuck on max." I thought

I can't turn that down.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw an advertisement that read: β€œTelevision for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”

I thought to myself, β€œI can’t turn that down!"

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Buying a television.

I saw this advert in a window that said: β€œTelevision for sale, €1, volume stuck on full.” I thought.....

β€œI can’t turn that down.”

πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nertballs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2013
🚨︎ report

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