Teacher: I forbid you to say that to yourself!
I told them to go to my website.
"there are either predators or prey in the circle of life" explained the nun. "whatever an animal eats, it is called that animal's prey. for instance, rabbits eat lettuce - thus lettuce is rabbit prey."
"Sister, what is sunlight then?" asked a quizzical child.
smiling, the nun put her hands together and said, "lettuce prey".
The native student answers βClevelandβ, much to the teacherβs chagrin. The Exchange student on the other hand, answers βItβs a bit late, but Gozaimasu!β
It was D-grading.
The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.
A Semi-Professor
I asked the class if they knew which was the last war the U.S. officially had declared as a war.
Students threw out a few wrong answers, none more egregious than when I hear
Student: Syria!
Me: Syria?! Are you Ser-i-ous?!
I roared with laughter. I got a couple giggles from the students.
A group of fifth graders are visiting our school he asks the kids "Hey did Mr. O(5th grade music teacher) ever tell you we went to college. It was me him and Abraham Lincoln in class"
One of his favorites "What side of the dog has the most fur?" "The Outside"
Whenever a kid asks "Can I go to the bathroom?" He always answers with "Only a Dr. Can tell you that." He does is so much that when A child says may I go to the bathroom he still does it without thinking. Most students stopped asking to go to the bathroom or ask me.
Its been a great few months of these, I'll add more to the comments as I think of them.
Q: What is the average math teacher?
A: mean
Q: What dessert do math teachers eat the most?
A: pie a la mode
Q: Where does the average cop hide when catching people for speeding?
A: The highway median
He sets it on a plinth and tells the students theyβre free to take a couple after class is over. Halfway through teaching the senpai or senseiβs assistant approaches and tells him he has an important phone call. He tells the class to find a partner and practice. He comes back fifteen minutes later and the plinth is knocked over, the bowl is in pieces and the wontons crushed and scattered about. He is dismayed that his students would engage in such sensei-less wonton destruction.
I am a teacher, I teach history first semester and economics second semester.
One student was upset about having so many graphs to understand and learn how to use.
St: I'm ok with memorizing everything about history, I'm ok figuring out how wars started and ended, but graphs...
Me: graphs is where you draw the line huh?
A five on the sighsmograph. Beautiful!
Edit: spelling
We were at the dinner table with my adult children and my son said he was teaching his physics class the concept of simple machines. He had given the class a brief intro about their usefulness and how they can be found everywhere. Then he asked the students to come up with all the examples they could think of.
My daughter, barely containing herself to wait for a pause in the conversation, said with only the slightest of grins, "So the lesson would be 50 ways to love your lever?"
My dadness has been passed on. Nothing left for me to do here.
I teach Physics. One of my students pointed out to me that I nod my head a lot as I'm talking with students one on one or in small groups. When we get to waves, I'm going to ask them to count the number of times I nod my head in one class. Then they can calculate the frequency at which I nod my head, or in other words, how much my head Hertz.
I teach high school math. The other day, December 1st, one of my students was looking at the date he wrote down on the paper he was about to turn in and said, "Hey, today's December!"
And I replied, "Yeah, and tomorrow's December, too."
The class started groaning at my bad joke, but I didn't even realize I had said a pun until they started groaning! I don't even have children, but the dad in me must already be growing.
Funny collection of chemistry puns
What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heβs 0K now.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.
How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone
What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.
Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you canβt helium or curium, you barium!
Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.
Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!
Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!
Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because itβs in the ground state.
How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocadoβs number.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.
What element is a girlβs future best friend? Carbon.
I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na
Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heβs 0K now.
What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium
What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe
What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A βgramβ cracker.
What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)
What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.
How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a βcarbonkneelβ
What did one titration tell the other? Letβs meet at the endpoint.
How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.
Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.
Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na
Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because itβs basic material.
Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down
Why do chemistry professor like to
... keep reading on reddit β‘The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Puns for Kids
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnβt chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? βMy Fare, Ladyβ.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physicianβs garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
βWhatβs purple and 5000 miles long?β βOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!β
Every calendarβs days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. βFour bucks,β says the bartender. βPut it on my bill.β
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When heβs a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle canβt stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit β‘I'm a teacher and I love to dadjoke my students. You guys are really amazing.
So I'm teaching economics and we deal with a lot of tables and the like.
I show them the table, point at it and tell them to "draw this table" then I point at a chair and say "then draw this chair" (and they give me the look of pure success).
I got them many times. Today I was lucky to catch it on video. I posted it to Twitter if you'd like to see it (and hear the 5 on the sighsmograph)
https://twitter.com/JoAngryTeacher/status/847162266856439808?s=09
Backstory: I'm a flight instructor, and I was teaching one of my students about the "Area Forecast". We were going through which areas of the country the forecast covered, and in addition to a bunch of states, there's a few lakes, like Lake Superior, Lake Michigan, Lake Huron, etc.
Her: "Why are these lakes included in the forecast?"
Me: "Because they're pretty great."
Additional backstory: I will be a dad of 2 in less than a month.
So, I teach Spanish at a small liberal arts college in the Carolinas. This morning my basic Spanish class was going over a reading comprehension exercise about a clothing store called "Corona." Corona means 'crown' in English. The ad had all kinds of words dealing with royalty, kings, and so on in it, and I wanted to go over the double meanings. So, to start, I asked them, "ΒΏCΓ³mo se dice 'corona' en inglΓ©s?" To a student, they all answered, "Beer."
I groaned and dismissed them five minutes early so I could laugh without them seeing me.
I used to teach. We did spelling bees each week. I would say the world and use it in a sentence.
Me: Aorta. Can I have an aorta of fries? Student: (groans)
I'm teaching English in Korea and we were practicing the expression "how do you say X in Y" in class today.
Student - How do you say λ―Έμν΄ (mi-an-hae) in English?
Me - "I'm sorry."
Student - That's OK.
A high school science teacher in California was teaching his kids about the three states: solid, liquid, gas.
After he is finished, he lifted up his tea and said, "What state is this in?"
One student raises her hand and says, "Liquid!"
Which the teacher replies, "No, silly. It's in California!"
Edit: I'm not dad! I'm potatoe.
He teaches a class where students were doing book reports. One had done one on Stephen King's Doctor Sleep, the sequel to The Shining. The student mentioned that the main character, Danny Torrence is now an alcoholic, and from the back of the room husband goes, "Does he drink red rum?"
I teach 8th grade math and we were studying the Pythagorean theorem, specifically the converse of the Pythagorean theorem.
I asked them, "What is a mathematicians favorite type of shoes?"
"Converse"
Some groaned, some laughed, some stared at me blankly, one gave me a genuine hi-five. That last student gets an A this marking period...
A student I teach came up to me yesterday and told me her dad always says a certain joke at home.
Me: Oh yeah? How does it go?
Her: First you have to tell me your hungry.
Me: Sorry. I'm not Hungry. I'm Mr. Ridicuhsweet. But it's nice to meet you!
Glad I could extend her dad's humour to the classroom.
Lazy student: blurts out Mrs. Castillo can you teach us how to say bad words in spainsh?
Mrs. Castillo: It's palabras malas (the literal translation of bad words)
I teach history, I want to introduce new technology used in WWI (specifically trench warfare) so I ask "why did both sides suffer such great casualties?"
My student: because they skipped all the formalities
Me:.... internally groans
When my instructor said "I usually like to teach my students how to drop logs... but that gets kind of messy."
class chuckles
He then continues "Oh I'm sorry, that was a crappy joke."
My professor had taught us about these doohickeys called multiplexers, which we sometimes also call "data selectors," in a previous lecture.
At the next lecture we had a review: he would draw a symbol and we would shout out what it represented, and he was hamming it up, acting like a game show host.
He drew a multiplexer on the board and asked the class, "what's this?" "A multiplexer!" some students called out. "Right! Now," says the prof, "what is another word for 'multiplexer'?" "A data selector!" someone answers correctly. But he looks like the student just blew the million-dollar question. "Hmm... 'a data selector'... no, I'm afraid notβthat's three words!"
His two young kids have probably learned not to ask him about what he teaches.
I was teaching a review lesson on the Aztecs to my 9th grade global students. We were covering chinampas (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinampa) and I decided to lighten the mood by saying "considering the technology they had at the time, chinampas are pretty a-maize-ing. Sorry that was a corny joke." Didn't get a single laugh.
