Tax Return Puns

Because the IRS has no cents.

Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.

Me: Am I in trouble?

Auditor: Yes. In Dire Straits.

"... you should be on a balance sheet"...

As dependent Clauses

His bill was tax de-duck-table

Sherlock Holmes walks into a bar and orders an IPA. "I've earned this, I just finished my tax return," he tells the bartender. "Luckily I'm getting tons of cash back, thanks to all my brilliant deductions."

Dad: I've got a 4 figure tax return!

Me (unsuspecting: Really?!? How much?

Dad: £11.11

Do pot dispensaries file joint tax returns?

My grandfather, in his younger days, retired from his NASCAR dreams to do construction so he could raise a family. Fast forward 45 years to 1994. I was around 15. My grandfather, grandmother, her mother, and I were on the return trip from the Costco and liquor store just inside the no sales tax state of Oregon. My grandfather was, as usual, driving. He raced for Lincoln and they sponsored him so they gave him a really good lifetime discount. He drove a brand new Continental his entire life. He always raced down to Oregon as fast as he could and then tried beating his time while driving back. Suddenly, at about 140mph, a Pheasant committed suicide on the front end. We could see feathers occasionally come loose. Grandpa already had a couple minutes to make up. Needless to say, despite my grandma's insistance, stopping to investigate wasn't in the plans. When we got home, he was cussing an ill timed traffic light with a bored motorcycle cop parked on the sidewalk waiting for his target. My grandma and great grandma nearly died when, without batting an eye, grandpa pulled the Pheasant off the car, grabbed his Gerber knife, and stripped, cleaned, and threw the bird on the BBQ. I was in dying from laughter at this point. Grandma and my great grandma were dying from embarrassment. He offered them some and grandma angrily refused for the 3 of us, calling it road kill. Without skipping a beat, he calmly replied "This isn't road kill, it's Continental Wild Pheasant, Twice-Grilled."

Me: Man, it's a great feeling to hand in these tax returns I've been sitting on for a week.

Him: I usually just put them on my desk.

Gf texting her dad about her tax return:

Gf: I'm getting $1900! Dad: hopfully Gf: well I never only hop partially

She's a keeper