She said to me, "I'm not stallin"
And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.'
I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.
I don't know y.
A Yam session l
The decision was a piece of cake
Feeling desserted
Her pronouns are her/she
I called him Hannibal Nector.
Who am I to dis-a-brie?
"Yes, that seems like common scents."
I made my bowl of Yogurt, I then squeezed some honey on it in a "B".
I told my wife, from across the kitchen "there's a honeybee in my yogurt!"
She comes over, looks in the bowl, and says only "its 6 o'clock in the morning." I could hear her eyes roll.
It was great!
I'm 42 btw.
4U2PN2
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡A roll model.
My family and I were exiting a mall and stopped at a fudge place called Fudgery in Norfolk. There was nobody around and my son went, "looks like the place is "desserted".
My wife and elder son blame me for this. I told my 10 year old to ignore these humorless heathens and fist-bumped him.
But I donut complain
A meringue-atan
A chocodile
Not in the right Peking order.
I tried to open a jar of jelly time and time again, but just couldn't.
I looked at the jar, and saw it was jam-d. :D
Who am I to dis a Brie I cheddar the world and a Feta cheese Everybody's looking for Stilton
The one is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
They left a sweet note on my windshield that said "parking fine."
He asks the widow if he could say a word. He goes to the front and says "Plethora" and sits back down. The widow leans over and whispers "Thanks, that means a lot."
A stranger unbeknownst to the wife, though a longtime friend of the husband, also asks to say a word.
"Sugar," he says to crowd.
"That's very sweet," said the widow.
Another man approaches, he had been a close companion of the deceased. He too asks the widow if he might speak, and heads to the front.
"Bargain," he says.
The widow pats his arm. "That means a great deal"
Another man comes forward and asks to speak, he says "a cold beer".
The widow says "thanks, he would have liked that."
A man comes up and asks to say a few words and, the widow gives him the okay. He steps up to the mic and says with confidence: “Water pit.”
The widow gives a small smile. “Thanks, I know you mean well.”
Yet another man approaches the widow and asks if he could say something.
He steps up to the microphone and says "Planet Earth."
The widow says, "That means the world to me."
Also, in attendance was her gynecologist who wished to share a word.
“Speculum,” he said to the crowd.
“That has touched me deeply,” said the widow.
Violets are blue.
Sugar is sweet,
And you would be too...
But the roses are wilted,
The violets are dead.
The sugar bowl’s empty,
And so is your head.
A yam session!
Who am I to dis-a-brie?
She Cantaloupe.
(This joke is brought to you by mElon Musk)
The decision was a piece of cake.
I replied with "no, you're my sister."
Reali-tea
Who am I to disabrie
The decision was a piece of cake!
Taste buds.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "On my walk over here I saw an apple pie, a melted chocolate sundae and a piece of cake all lying scattered along the side of the road," the guy tells the bartender. "The streets are oddly desserted tonight."
The decision was a piece of cake.
It’s a very sweet song
