My boss said, βI find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.β
I said, βIt must be my weekend immune system.β
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︎ Sep 28 2020
Hmmm thatβs suspicious
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︎ Dec 18 2020
Met a suspicious guy in a graveyard trying to give me a watch.
The fact a body was attached to it made it a dead giveaway.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
What do you call your suspicious sister
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︎ Oct 27 2020
I got home from work and our parrot said, "Don't tell my husband", which I thought was rather suspicious.
So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.
I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."
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︎ Sep 02 2020
(with thanks for encouragement from u/sherbert_suspicious): I built a little model sports car car for my snail, and called it an S-car for Snail.
Every where he drove it, people shouted "Look at that S-Car go!"
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︎ Sep 08 2020
Don't click on any suspicious links
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︎ Sep 02 2020
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She denies it, but Iβm sticking to my guns.
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︎ May 03 2019
A suspicious looking spacecraft landed on Earth to bring back to life ray-finned fish. But one spacecraft wasn't sufficient, so more arrived.
I think it was extra to restore eels
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︎ May 01 2020
I thought Daisy looked a little suspicious the other day...
Turns out she was a plant.
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︎ Mar 10 2020
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
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︎ Oct 30 2019
Iron Man was suspicious that Aquaman invited him to a pool party.
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︎ Aug 25 2019
What do you call a suspicious transmission?
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︎ Jul 24 2019
A suspicious name for pizza (Lou Malnati confirmed)
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︎ Aug 13 2017
What should you do when your car dies under suspicious circumstances?
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︎ Feb 22 2019
There was a suspicious βaccidentβ at a construction site. The police investigated all the workers at the job site . . .
It looked like foul play. The mason wasnβt a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldnβt hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.
Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had both motive and opportunity. He was seen canvassing the accident site a few strokes before midnight when the accident occurred. The victim fell off a faulty ladder that was covered in finger paint. It seems the victim and the painter had a few brush-ins before. And it wasnβt a pretty picture. The painter was indicted, but despite all the evidence, the charges didnβt stick and the jury let him roll off clean.
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︎ Feb 18 2018
Iβm suspicious of my friendβs story about how he climbed Mount Everest.
In the end, Iβm not sure whether he made it up.
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︎ Sep 05 2018
People get suspicious whenever I pull out the graph paper
They know I'm plotting something
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︎ Nov 26 2018
Ironman is always suspicious of Aquamanβs pool party invitations.
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︎ May 25 2018
Today I found out why the cops are suspicious of vehicles with tinted windows.
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︎ Mar 22 2019
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
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︎ Jun 19 2019
A woman worried about the suspicious behavior of her husband decides to follow him. Instead of going to the office, she finds him in a small laboratory making soap.
Caught in the act he admits, "Honey, I've been living a lye..."
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︎ Aug 08 2018
A pirate goes to the doctor to get some suspicious moles checked.
The doctor, after examining him: Donβt worry. Theyβre benign.
Pirate: Are you sure? I thought I counted ten.
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︎ Dec 25 2018
If communism is so good, then why are communist revolutions always so suspicious?
I mean, they always raise at least a few red flags.
(x-post from shittydebatecommunism)
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︎ Sep 16 2017
I saw a suspicious looking guy around my yard yesterday. I sternly told him I thought he was a thief
I hope he doesn't take a fence.
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︎ Jun 06 2017
Yahtzee is a suspicious game....
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︎ Aug 20 2017
I'm always suspicious of people who serve me alcohol.
They've spent a lot of time behind bars.
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︎ Aug 28 2016
Stairs have always seemed a bit suspicious...
They always seem to be up to something
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︎ Jan 03 2017
When Donald Trump's doctor replied to him via email about a suspicious mark on his back, what did the subject line say?
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︎ Sep 17 2017
A Scottish man died under suspicious circumstances the other day.
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︎ Dec 30 2016
Boss: I find it highly suspicious that you are sick only on weekdays.
Me: It must be my weakened immune system.
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︎ Jan 21 2021
My boss said "I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays."
I said, "It must be my weekend immune system."
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︎ Oct 03 2020
I'm very suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection...
Everyone denies it, but Iβm sticking to my guns...
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︎ Jul 23 2019
I thought Daisy looked a little suspicious the other day...
That's when I realized she was a plant.
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︎ Feb 27 2020
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
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︎ Aug 12 2019
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
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︎ Nov 16 2019
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
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︎ Oct 26 2019
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