Found in my neighbour's shop, in his late 70s and still punning strong
Is this sub still active?
Haven't seen anyone post all year!
(Happy New Year from Australia everyone!)
My grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesn’t need glasses.
He drinks straight from the bottle.
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
My friend asked me if Princess Bride jokes are still a thing
I said, “they’re mostly dead”
My ex-wife still misses me
But her aim is starting to improve.
People ask me why I still work as a mailman,on such low salary.
I tell them : "Its not about the money; Its about sending a message"
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
Is an argument between two vegans still called a 'beef'?
My wife is okay with the fact that I still live with my ex-girlfriend.
She doesn't like me calling her that, however.
Can you believe that they are still together after all of the crap they have been through?
My high school bully still takes my lunch money.
But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....
I can't believe it's not better.
Unemployed Pilot (Dad still killing it at 70)
My dad just sent me this (couldn't help but groan, even as a dad myself):
I had a fella in painting and decorating the house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is actually a Ryanair pilot on PUP (Pandemic Unemployment Payment - social welfare in Ireland for those affected by Covid), he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landing😬👍
Is this subreddit still active?
No one's posted anything all year...
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
Does anyone still use this thread?
I haven't seen anyone since last year
I can’t believe people are still making “Friends” references 15 years after the show ended.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
A Harper Lee novel on trial refused to open up about their case case, but was still judged by it's cover.
Moral of the story... Don't kill animals.
Edit: remove one case
3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste.
Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends
I know it's too soon and still very controversial, but it's likely that the rioters may have the death penalty.
It was, after all, a Capitol offense.
In 2017 I didn't jog. In 2018 I didn't jog. In 2019 I didn't jog. In 2020 I still haven't jogged.
SpaceX's rocket was designed to be as wide as it could be and still be transported on the roads.
So when the boss wanted to make it larger, they had to elongate it.
My wife told me today, "Look, I've had this since high school and it still fits me."
Me: "Yeah!!! It's a scarf. "
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
My wife asked how many Indian flatbreads do we still have at home,
My ex wife still misses me.
But her aim is getting better!
Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced he’s ruler of Egypt? When told ‘that’s impossible’ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.
People say he’s in da Nile
My mom said this unknowingly but it still counts
So I was complaining about where I am in life and the path I have chosen she said
"Don't try to blame someone else for the road your on ....its your own asphalt"
How can Jedis swing so lightly with a lightsaber and still cut through everything so easily.
They swing with alot of Force.
Still scratching my head in confusion, trying to understand why was I thrown out of the interview room???
My answer was spot on, upon being asked to give an example on a "Business being completely ruined due to carelessness"
All I said was... "A Pregnant Prostitute"
I got a vasectomy and my wife still doesn't know it.
I just dont have the balls to tell her.
What do you call a number that won't sit still??
A Roamin' Numeral.
(Apologies if it's an old joke. My daughter told me this today while doing online math class. THANKS COVID!!)
Everyone stay safe and healthy!
Dining indoors is still sketchy
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
I still believe Bill Clinton's Vice President invented the internet
Why else would we use Al-Gore-Rhythms?
My 35-year boycott of Ferrari's and Lamborghini's is still going strong!
And will continue until they lower the price.
What has 4 eyes but still can't see ?
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can't part with it.
My four year old has been learning Spanish for a year, and he still can’t say ‘please’
I think that’s poor for four
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I can’t believe it’s not better.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
My 4 year old son has been learning spanish all year and he still can’t say the word please.
Which i think is poor for four
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