Me: Did you hear the actress from legally blonde stabbed her husband with a knife?
Friend: Do you mean Reese Witherspoon?
Me: No, with her knife!
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
I got in a fight with my acupuncturist and stabbed him
He said he never felt better
Today is the Ides of March, when Caesar was famously assassinated. But what most people don't know is that he wasn't stabbed, but poisoned, by Hemlock leaves in his salad - hence the name "Caesar's Salad." When Brutus asked how many Hemlock leaves Caesar ingested, Caesar said:
Pikachu gets stabbed by a Jamaican man and then asks why?
The Jamaican man replies he just wanted to poke a mon.
While replacing an electrical outlet, I accidentally stabbed myself with one of the wires.
And for a brief moment, I had a connection with the house.
I might get stabbed over this:
I watched an old lady in a head wrap get mugged for her purse before she quickly stabbed the man and took it back.
It was a shawl shank redemption
i remember the first time i got stabbed with a balisong
i had butterflies in my stomach
What did Sula become when he got stabbed by a pencil?
I got stabbed by a marker!
It was definitely a Sharpie!
I met my wife when we were both stabbed by the same knife
Buddy collided with a delivery truck - he got stabbed with the antenna.. Diagnosis?
one time i stabbed someone with a sharpie
Did you hear about the blind man who got stabbed?
He couldn't see it coming
Julius Caesar was stabbed several times by his own congress
Making him, contrary to popular belief, the first holey Roman emperor
Statistics show a person in the US is stabbed every 54 minutes.
Got stabbed in the eye with a pickle
Did you hear about the guy who stabbed his own eye out?
He totally lost perspective.
What do you call a salad that has been stabbed 23 times
I had beef with a guy and I stabbed him with a cow leg.
Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband with a fork?
Joke teller: “it was Reese... ohh what was her name..Reese..”
Person: “Witherspoon?!”
Joke teller: “No I just told you it was with her fork!”
I saw a piece of paper get stabbed once...
My friend got stabbed in the spinal cord with a set of keys!
he said his back locked up
Almost got stabbed to bring you this one...
My wife was working on a green bean casserole and couldn't find one of the ingredients.
Wife: Have you seen the can of fried onions?
Me: What does it look like?
Wife: White container, red writing.
Me [Feigning hopeful tones]: Little red writing?
Wife [Relieved]: Yeah!
Me: ...hood?
Wife brandishes knife.
I heard that actress Reese what's-her-name got stabbed...
A gasping audience: Witherspoon?!
Dad: No, it was with a knife
The actress who got stabbed
Dad: Did you hear about that actress who was stabbed
Me: No I didn't
Dad: I think her name was Reece something or another
Me: Witherspoon?
Dad: No dumbass, with a knife
A famous actress was stabbed last night.
-Her name was Reese, her surname escapes me though...
*Witherspoon?
-No, with a knife
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
We were eating caesar salad, then i stabbed it.
‘Now its a real ‘Caesar’ salad’
Apparently someone gets stabbed every 48 seconds in South London.
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
Did you hear that one actress was stabbed? Reese something?
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No, with a knife.
Me: Did you hear Reese ‘whats-her-name’ stabbed somebody?
Kids: Witherspoon?
Me: No, with a knife.
Sister: Did you hear about that actress who stabbed someone? Reese something or other?
Me: Witherspoon?
Sister: No! With a knife!
Did you hear that Reese what’s her name stabbed her husband?
Apparently in london someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed last night? Reese something....
"witherspoon?"
"No, with a knife!"
Me: Did you hear about that actress getting stabbed to death last night? What's her name, Reese something or other?
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No, with a knife.
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