I spat my water
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aCkadoodledo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Today I learned my son hates r/DadJokes. He's been spat on, punched, and verbally abused for his own opinion...

I don't even want to imagine what'll happen when he leaves the house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuckDestiny
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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A baby eel is called and elver. A baby oyster is called a spat.

Tell your friends. It'll be the weirdest thing you elver did spat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakerz798
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2015
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I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben716
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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Australian's don't have sex

They mate

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobthespud420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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My brother hated going to jail

He refused to eat or drink anything, spat on everyone and covered the walls with his own feces...

We never played monopoly again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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A fish tale

A small mouth is swimming behind a large mouth and the large mouth inconsiderately poops in his face. The small mouth spat out and cried in disgust and ire, "bass turd!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterThenatoni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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What is 50 cent's favorite sandwich?

Da club

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πŸ‘€︎ u/7V3N
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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Why did the blind man fall down the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

πŸ‘︎ 479
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Desmous
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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What do you call a Russian Spec Ops in Exercise gear?

A Spats-naz Agent!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XanaTenebris
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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The police came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes

My dogs don't even have bikes

πŸ‘︎ 577
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πŸ‘€︎ u/natteulven
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2016
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When baseball players hock loogies while they argue with the umpires . . .

It’s a spit spat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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Conversation with my wife about our daughter...

Our 15 month old daughter was coughing at dinner and then spat out some phlegm and rubbed it all over her belly. My wife was disgusted so I turned to our daughter and said, "Why are you being so phlegm-boyant?"

My wife groaned and rolled her eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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My Irish Great Grandfather (from Kerry) told me this one in the pub a few months before he passed.

You know why our dancers don't move their arms when their dancing?

Their arms have been decommissioned.

Spat ma Guinness.........

RIP Finn you funny bastard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/seipounds
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
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An ice fisherman wasn't having any luck.

Seeing a small boy nearby with several fish, he asked the boy's secret.

"Rrrp rr rrrr rrrm," the boy said.

"What?"

The boy spat into his hand. "Keep your worms warm!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkenTree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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I took my daughter down to the park this morning to feed the ducks...

The ungrateful birds spat her out...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
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Had some dadscussion with my friend the other day.

We were doing a short video and he was post-editing. While figuring out what we needed to do for it, we came across something very interesting. He was drinking milk tea at the time:

Friend: OPPURTINITY! I love opportunities!! (sips drink)

Me: I prefer opportuni-coffee instead. It tastes better.

Friend: What?

Me: Opportuni-coffee. (points at drink) Opportuni-tea.

He almost spat his drink.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grey_rook
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2015
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