What do you say to applaud the vermin that managed to escape the breakfast porridge?

Congee-rat-lations 😬😬😬

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πŸ‘€︎ u/majumps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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I applaud sperm donors

It takes balls to do what they do

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FroYo10101
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...

...Australians usually boo meringue

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alastrel3000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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To those worried about eating salad after the recent e coli outbreaks, I have three words for you.

Lettuce romaine calm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!

He just stands there applauding and saying β€œOoh, I love how smooth it is”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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My step-dad came up with this so hope it counts. What do you call a gay farmer?

A jolly rancher

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xianthamist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck drivers they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask...

How much food would a good truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zekesnack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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Why do horses never agree with anything?

Because they're neigh-sayers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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Imagine the Titanic with a lisp...

It's unthinkable.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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I watched an interesting documentary about how to fasten two sheets of metal together.

It was riveting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RegalBen56
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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What do you call it when a guy tries to sneak peeks at a girl's cleavage?

Cleavesdropping.

Shoutout to my wife for dropping this one on me.

Edit: About 6 people have responded with "peek a boob" already. I applaud the effort, but to me that would be better nickname for nip slips.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marco262
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2016
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"Should I call you Matt or Matthew?"

"I usually go by either." "Okay Either, nice to meet you!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/proletarium
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2014
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Pirates

A slice of Apple Pie in Jamaica is $2.00 . It is $2.50 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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what do you call a dog magician

a labracadabrador

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whoflungpoomunkey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2017
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Did you hear about the shellfish who went to the disco?

He pulled a mussel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/74CK
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
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How can I safely watch the solar eclipse?

https://i.redd.it/y1m1za6ajzgz.jpg

Credit goes to /u/Yakev

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πŸ‘€︎ u/poliscijunki
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2017
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Shortest jokes in the world!

4 words: Venison's dear, isn't it?

3 words: Stationary store... moves.

2 words: Dwarf... shortage


(c) Jimmy Carr - That magnificent basterd.

I applaud these jokes because each of them is setup + punchline as well as a pun!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nimja_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
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If you ever think your life is tough, just imagine being a tennis ball.

People applauding because you got hit really hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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A threefer of which I'm rather proud!

// I was a little dissatisfied with the results of my latest trip to the barbershop yesterday.

Friend this morning: I actually kinda like it!

Me: You know, I slept on it, and I think it's grown on me a hair.

// Me applauding and high-fiving myself internally.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadowthunder
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2015
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Why can't you take the cross product of a mountain climber and an elephant...

Because the mountain climber is a scalar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SickemMavdog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2012
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I mean, he did kill a lot of ants.

So I get back home from college this weekend and my mom was explaining to me how we had a pretty bad ant infestation coming in through our kitchen wall.

My dad proceeds to tell me that he's gone through two bags of ant bait (they pick the food up and bring it back to the hive) already.

I say, oh wow you must be getting pretty good at killing ants then, and he says "I guess you can just call me the master-baiter". I had to stop and literally applaud him. My mom just rolled her eyes as usual, but I have to give it to the old man this time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Need_A_Blumpkin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2014
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Tonight at dinner we were discussing my daughter's sassy attitude...

I said, "I won't stand for it".

My bf says "But would you sit for it?"

I told him he wasn't biologically a dad and it wasn't fair for him to be making dadjokes. He said two years as my children's "dad" was enough training.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PixieNurse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
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There was a big poetry contest and it cane down to two finalists, an English proffessor and a native American. They had to improvise a poem from a word that the judges gave them. The word was Timbuktu...

The English professor went first. He thought for a minute, then stepped up to the mic and said:

Slowly across the desert sand, Marched a lonely caravan, Men on camel, two by two, Destination; Timbuktu.

The audience applauded. Then it was the Native American's turn. He stepped up to the mic and said:

Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three gals in a pop-up tent. They were three, we were two, I bucked one, Tim bucked two.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wise_Guy_Plato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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My 7-year-old just became a Dad

My wife was reading one of those touching (read: sappy) Christmastime stories to the kids before bed tonight. She was getting a bit teary-eyed by the end, and was having trouble seeing the pages.

Wife: "Sorry, kids, my eyes got all leaky."

7yo: "Oh, your eyes have a leak in them?"

Wife: "Yeah."

7yo: "How did you even get a vegetable in there?"

Wife and I applaud. This is the kid who usually hates my dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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"See that cemetary over there?"

My dad's favourite joke:

"See that cemetary over there? Did you know that nobody living within a 1 kilometer (mile) radius is allowed to be buried there!"

"But why dad?"

"Because it's illegal to bury people that are still living"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChickenWiddle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
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My grandpa dropped this one on me the other day.

So me and my grandparents are very close and we go out to eat at least once a month. One day we went to a restaurant that had a special on Natty Light. He orders one and I ask him, "Of all the beer they have on tap why would you order Natty Light?" To which he responds. "Natural Light is like making love in a canoe" I give him a confused look. "It's fuckin' near water!"

I applauded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/papaJAWN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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My brother excited our cats and my dad took advantage.

My brother came over after a few weeks of being away and my cats were going crazy, attacking each other and just being really excited. I say to my brother "Man the cats have been really going crazy since you got here." To which my dad said "Yeah you must be a CATalyst or something." My brother and I applauded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neostead2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2014
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I was watching an Australian cooking show when the audience started applauding when the chef made a meringue.

I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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I was watching an Australian show and the audience applauded when the host made a lemon meringue.

I was confused because I thought Australians usually boo meringue.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.

I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.

πŸ‘︎ 279
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience started applauding when the chef made a meringue.

I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded the chef for making a perfect meringue.

I was surprised, as Australian's usually boo meringue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/holiestofrollers
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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Meh

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying β€œOoh, I love how smooth it is.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rightbehindyou824
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
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