The spade

Was a groundbreaking invention

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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What do you call someone who commits a murder with a deck of cards that only has clubs, spades, and diamonds?

Heartless

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lego_luke
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.

I might have to deal with him later.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

An ambulance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mtcarr79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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Calling a spade a spade
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jussymane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
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My kid got tattoos of a heart, club, diamond and spadeβ€”all without my permission.

I might have to deal with him later.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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I bet the creator of the shovel was paid in spades for his invention.

The shovel was truly groundbreaking!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/USAneedsAJohnson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
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What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amnesia271
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2015
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Hand me the 1" spade bit. "Which one's the spade bit?"

The one without the ovaries.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/b1naryd0g
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2015
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What did scientists call the shovel when it was first created?

A ground-breaking discovery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hungry-Hippo_3124
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

An Ambulance, immediately!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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Which card in a deck can fix your dog?

The King of Spade.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funny-Promise956
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Tony the Tiger is dead... Murdered!

It was a cereal killer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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A friend of mine was telling me about her first day working at a zoo...

When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didn’t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.

The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions β€œso what’s the food like here??” The other lions responded...

β€œActually it’s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SidB_22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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How do you build a house with playing cards

Start a Club

Win their hearts

Give them tools and Spades

Pay them with diamonds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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Found during a surf of r/memes top posts
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tskcool
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
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Marriage is like a card game.

At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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Marriage is like a deck of cards

It starts with Hearts and Diamonds and ends with a Club and a Spade

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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Funny, sad, and too often true.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond...

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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Pokermon
πŸ‘︎ 197
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hardypart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2016
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What do you call a pilot made of shovels?

An Ace of Spades.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chockaday12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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How important was the invention of the shovel?

It was ground-breaking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buckley2111
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
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I feel like I had a good one in real life yesterday...

Mom: Why don't you use the trowel?

Me: Let's just call a spade a spade.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FerralWombat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2017
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I like to combine words like hay and maze to mayze

But when I swap for aces of spades, I'm trading Spaces

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maxxbreaker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on my front porch?

Mat!

my father loves these jokes back in the day. whos familiar with them all?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/angrydispatcher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2016
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Marriage is like a deck of cards...

All you need to start of is two hearts and a diamond but come the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dacs1306
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
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Why don't you play poker with a hardware store owner?

because they are flush with spades

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThrashAndBurn1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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What do you call a comedian playing poker?

A Jack of all Spades, Master of Puns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FyreFlu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2014
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Playing poker

I was at my friend's poker night and we were playing texas hold 'em. On one of the hands the flop was a 3 of spades, a 7 of clubs, and a 2 of hearts.

Nobody really had anything so far and the hand went:

Friend 1 (small blind): "Check"

Friend 2 (big blind): "Check"

Friend 3: "Check"

Friend 4: "Check"

Friend 5: "Check"

Friend 6: "Check"

Me (dealer): We must be in the Czech Republic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thebearjew559
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
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Dads and purses

My sister, my dad, and I were waiting for our table at a restaurant. Dad sees my sister with her new Kate Spade purse.

Dad: "Why did you take that Kate girl's purse? It even has her name on it!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluesie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
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The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErikDied
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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