Man to Psychiatrist: I am depressed. All my four sons want to be valets when they grow up
Psychiatrist: That is the strangest case of parking sons disease I have come across so far.
My son came downstairs this morning with a big old smile on his face, so I asked him, "Do you know where happiness is made?!" He shrugged and said, "No idea, were?" I smiled back and replied...
I said to my son, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...
"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"
My son was so happy with the response to his joke yesterday he wanted me to share this one with you too. What’s the most reliable part of the human body?
Your fingers. You can always count on them.
As told by my son: Mr Bigger and Mrs Bigger have a baby. Who’s the biggest in the family?
The baby - because he’s a little Bigger.
mic drop
My 10 year old son came up with this one
My family and I were exiting a mall and stopped at a fudge place called Fudgery in Norfolk. There was nobody around and my son went, "looks like the place is "desserted".
My wife and elder son blame me for this. I told my 10 year old to ignore these humorless heathens and fist-bumped him.
I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a raging weed and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?’
Edit: so happy that one of my home-made dad-jokes is so well-received :) thanks, everyone!
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires
So I grounded him.
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Son: "Dad, can I eat the cake in the fridge?"
Dad: "Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable."
I was washing our car with my son when he asked...
“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge!?”
Courtesy of my 10 yr old son: what’s the time of year to use a trampoline?
My son asked me how long dinner was going to be today
I told him i wasn't sure since i hadn't measured it, but he could bring me a ruler or tape measure and I'd give him a rough estimate.
"Son, do you know why helicopters never fly in the morning?" Puzzled, he responded, "No idea." I smiled and said...
Proud dad moment: I was showing my 11 yr old son how to swap my winter and summer wheels. After he carried them over, and we torqued the lug nuts, he said…
“man, that was tiring”
and then he asked “see what I did there?” A torch has been passed…
"Hey son, did you hear that police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion?" Confused, he replied, "No?" I continued...
"I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence!"
Asked my son about his day at school, he came up with an awesome joke.
Me: Hey son, how was your day?
Son: Not that good.
Me, genuinely concerned: Why?
Son: Apparently, I didnt do enough?
Me, even more concerned: Why? What happened?
Son: Nothing, I just have to go back tomorrow.
Edit: Formatting, and he told me off as I didn't include the word 'apparrently'.
My son wrote “only wimps break bones” on my arm cast
He just had to add insult to injury.
My son asked why sStar Wars movies came out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3…
I answered in my best yoda impersonation: ‘in charge of scheduling, I was’
My son loved it, I heard a sigh from my SO, and when I looked at her, she just shook her head.
My son asked me, “Dad, can we watch Spider Man—Far from Home tonight?”
I said, “Why? It is the same movie if you watch it nearby.”
My son’s teacher accused him of stealing materials from his trigonometry class.
I didn’t believe her at first, but when I checked his room, all the sines were there.
My son asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds then said...
My son started dating a goalie for a women's soccer team and asked me what I thought of her.
I said "Son, she's a keeper."
As I was dropping my son off on his first day of school, he worriedly looked at me and asked, “How long do I have to go to school for?” Smiling, I responded, “Until you’re 18 buddy!" He nodded, thought about it for a bit and said...
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you?”
My son was making dinner in the kitchen so I said to him, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there!"
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end!"
I told my son I was named after Albert Einstein.
"Isn't your name James?"
"Yes, but I was named AFTER Albert Einstein."
Today my son asked “can I have a book mark?” And I burst into tears.
He’s 10 years old and still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Kim and Kanye’s divorce is rough on their son, North West.
It’s like he’s getting pulled in two different directions.
so my son who's 8 just came out with this one...
Q. What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A. A can't opener 😂
My wife yelled at me for telling our son too many dad jokes after he got in trouble at school.
I agreed and said that was enough pun-ishment for now.
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale
"No," I said. "It's to look at."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
So I was talking to my son…
"Son, I have something to tell
you, but it hurts me to say it."
"Oh my gosh! What is it, Dad?"
"I have a sore throat."
My son told me he wants to be a cowboy, so I had to give him the bad news.
He’s stuck being a human boy.
When I asked my son what he was drinking, he responded with “soy milk”
Today my son asked me, “Dad are we pyromaniacs?”
I replied: “yes, we arson.”
My son becoming a dad
We were sitting in the kitchen and I reached for the beer in the fridge. His response was instant
- Did you forget to take your Pils today, dad?
Never been so proud
My son didn’t believe I could say the Alphabet backwards.
So I turned around and started “A, B, C….”
Obvious alternate ending: So I turned around said, “the alphabet.”
Choose your own adventure.
My son told me his fortune cookie didn’t have a fortune…
Naturally I replied: “That’s unfortunate.”
Every year we rent a bounce house for my son's birthday, but lately the cost has skyrocketed.
It's mostly due to inflation.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off to school?
i have spent 2 hours trying to explain sunk cost fallacy to my son
he doesn’t seem to be understanding anything i am saying and honestly, i feel like giving up.
but if i quit now, i’d have spent all this time for nothing!
The ‘Smith and Meth-Son’ - a gun seized from a drug addict
My son told me it was over between him and his girlfriend Ruth, so I asked...
"Does this mean you're Ruthless?!"
Son. if you get a bladder infection…
My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up !!
The little shit wants me to be gunned down in an alley.
My 6 yr. old son greeted me at the door. I told him I have to go to the bathroom real quick…
He said, “number one or two??” 🤨
I said, “two”
He replied, “hehe, more like number POO!!”
Then proceeded to run off laughing at himself… 😂🤣
Son: Dad what is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad: well, I'm confident that you're my son. Now your friend Billy next door is also my son, but that's confidential.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
What did the buffalo say to his son on his first day of school?
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