The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
Son: "Dad, what are condoms used for ?"
Dad: "To avoid such questions."
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No…”
My son left home to become a mime
We haven't heard from him since
Son: What does bargain mean?
Dad: Well, it means a great deal, actually…
How does a military dad alert his son that a hot lady is nearby?
My son's not even one yet, and he's Walken already.
My son asked me what does gay mean
Me: it's means being happy
Son: so are you gay dad?
Me: no son, I have an wife
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
What did the Buffalo say to his son before he left for college
My son asked me, “Because of the pandemic, I’m on the computer 12 hours a day. Is that bad?”
Me: That can’t be comfortable. Try a chair instead.
My son got electrocuted
He said it was a shocking experience
My son just told me that he is studying Mesopotamia this term
I said “Great, I can Babylon about it for hours!”
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
My son just told me to stop making up things about him.
Which is strange, because I don’t have any kids.
Finally told my son my gamer tag
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one.”
My son wanted to glue $20 bills to his belt
I told him that would just be a waist of money
Son: "Dad, did you see pictures of that guy at the Capitol stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium? That's domestic terrorism!"
Dad: "Wrong, son. He was just taking a political stand."
My son asked me what the difference was between horsepower and torque. I explained that horsepower is often more expensive the greater the amount...
...whereas torque is cheap.
My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.
He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"
"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
My son asked me how often planes crash
Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
My son asked me "where does poo come from?" I was a little flustered, but did my best to explain about food, stomach, intestines, digestion, etc.
He looked confused, then stared at me in stunned silence. After a few seconds he asked "And Tigger?"
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
Son: Dad what rhymes with purple?
My son improved the glue joke, "Hows that new glue"
Son: "It's holding up."
He rattles these off as I read r/dadjokes to him
Man: "Doctor, Doctor. All my sons want to be valets when they grow up."
Doctor: "WOW, That's the worst case of Parking Son's disease I've ever seen."
My son is getting so fat, I've decided to put all his favourite snacks at a place he can't reach.
(true story) After having my son install an electric keypad deadbolt on the man door in my garage, my daughter says:
Dad, are you sure that new deadbolt was man-door-tory??
Making daddy proud.
I was sitting at a red light with my family, and I said "Look, son! A super hero!"
Daddy, look! Those turtles are playing piggyback! Son, I was going to wait till you were older for this talk but...
Those are tortoises , not turtles.
My son keeps all his boogers in a journal. He's up to 143.
I told him "One more and it'll be truly gross"
My son (8) walked out of the bathroom this morning and exclaimed "whoof!...
... I haven't peed since last year!"
I couldn't be more proud
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
I used to love fishing with my son.
Oh well!! I guess I'll have to find something else to use as bait now.
"Son, you're not cut out to be a mime artist."
"Was it something I said?"
"YES!!"
Peter Brown the world famous hairdresser told his son, that he's leaving him nothing in his will....
I can't believe he's cutting off his own heir.
I knocked my son's tooth out with a hatchet yesterday.
True story: During a large dinner my son said that he was addicted to the gravy
I told him "the best way to break that addiction is to quit cold turkey"
My son sat his apiary exams yesterday.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
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