No it's got a Crack in it.
Aller-Jesus
So he moped around all day instead.
EDIT: improved punchline thanks to u/Mr-Harbinger
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
She couldn't control her pupils
"The opposite of right!"
I said, “That’s Heinz sight for you.”
I said, “That’s Heinz sight for you.”
Don't look now, but there's something between us that smells.
I've never been so proud
Mississippi
Younger daughter - “Adorable. I’m gonna spoil her rotten”
Wife - “Aw, look at my little grandaughter. She has her mother’s eyes”
Son - “She’s gonna be a gamer like her uncle”
Me - “Aww, she’s so acute”
“...cereal killer.”
Son: Oh. Looks like I dropped them
I told him it should be {Sons Name} / Mommy. Since he came from her. Then I said he could reduce that fraction further since he came from his mommy, that fraction would equal....
One Whole
"...mountains peak!"
"That's why it's called adult super-vision."
"They become brain-dad!"
"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"
"Me and my recliner go way back."
Because I have a beautiful daughter instead
My son was playing “shop” and sold me what I thought was a “strawberry with legs”.
My wife corrected me and said “it’s a strawberry with LEAVES. What kind of strawberry has legs…?”
The response came instinctively; “One that leaves”
The eye roll from my wife was perfect.
Now he's computer-eyes'd
It's the right way
My oldest son was the only one who giggled, everyone else either eye rolled or sighed 🤣
He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?'
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡He was helping his son (7th grade) with some Pre-Algebra homework:
Dad: "What does 5Q+5Q equal?"
Son: "10Q?"
Dad: "You're welcome! Anytime!"
The eye-roll was strong with that one.
They had prepared quite the spread with steak, corn, salad, and everyone had their own favorite side. The father had prepared his own signature spice blend and was encouraging everyone to try it. The son tried a little bit on his mac and cheese. Unfortunately he began coughing as it was too spicy, but was able to rinse it down with a bit of water and was fine.
The daughter didn't believe it could be as spicy as her brother claimed, so she put some of the spice blend on her mashed potatoes. She took a big bite and after a bit her face turned red and she began coughing and spluttering and went and got herself a glass of milk in order to help with the spiciness.
The mother laughed, knowing that the blend was spicy, but decided to try some anyway on her fries. She was conservative with her application, and could handle her spice better than her children so she thought she would be fine. And, if it weren't for a small bit of fry trying to go down the wrong pipe, causing her to cough, splutter and wheeze, she would have made it out unscathed.
Finally the father, after having witnessed that none of his family were able to master his own homemade spice blend, added it to every bit of his meal. The steak, the corn, his green beans and even his salad. He the requested some of each of the others' sides, and added the spices to some mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and fries as well. Then, to show he was not joking around, he added some hot sauce to top it all off. He began happily chowing down on every bit of it, completely unconcerned with the level of spice. He did not turn red, he did not cough, he did not splutter, he did not wheeze.
However, in his gusto to complete the meal, he was eating faster than he normal would and a half-chewed piece of steak unfortunately made it down the wrong pipe. His eyes went wide. Still, he did not cough, he did not splutter, he did not wheeze. But, he did begin to turn red. And then, he began to turn blue. Seeing that her husband was choking, the mother got up from the table and started trying to give the heimlich to the father. It didn't seem to be working until suddenly -- p-tooo, out came the piece of steak. Then the father coughed, spluttered and wheezed.
As he tried to regain his breath, his family heard that he was trying to say something between coughing fits. A 'thank you' to his wife, most likely. Or perhaps he was trying to say he should have slowed down and not eaten so fast to show them up. When he finally got
... keep reading on reddit ➡Son: Mom, if we had zombies coming to attack the house where would we go? Wife: Contemplating as these are usually serious questions from him Son: interrupts The LIVING room mom! You know, because you want to LIVE! Me: tears coming to my eyes gives him a high-five you're gonna make an awesome dad someday buddy!
7 y.o. Son: Dad, did you know dragonflies can see 33 feet?!
Me: Wow that’s amazing! I can barely see my own 2 feet…
Cue wife’s eye roll.
The farmer was devastated, and in his depression all but neglected the farm, barely able to bring himself to grow and can legumes.
One day as he was aimlessly wandering the road near his fields, hungry and despondent, he came across a deer carcass, freshly hit by a car. The farmer was excited that his luck was changing, since this meant fresh(ish) meat in the first time in months. He shooed the magpies and crows away and began harvesting the deer.
Almost as soon as he had finished, there was a knock at the door. To the farmer's great surprise, his son had returned home. Though he looked quite the worse for wear, the son looked around at the farm with sadness, perhaps realizing the emotional damage he had caused.
The farmer was besides himself with joy, and told his son that tonight he would cook a great feast. The son, surprised, looked around at the fallow fields and run down house and asked, "Dad, do you have much food? What could we possibly eat for this celebratory feast."
The farmer, tears of joy in his eyes and emotion in his voice said:
"Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peas when you are done"
Son: how did the cataract surgery go?
Dad: it was a very eye-opening experience.
Son: Umm….I forgot.
Me: Why don’t Juneau?
Wife: Rolls eyes and leaves the table.
The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says “What’s the problem?”
Moth says “I don’t even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I’m too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I’ve gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we’ve ever had to face in this region. Isn’t it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn’t that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there’s my son. Doc, I don’t love him anymore. I don’t know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn’t such a coward, Doc, I know I’d be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I’d be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I’m judgemental yet I care about nothing. I’m bitter, hateful and afraid. I’m alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease.”
The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says “Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I’m a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why’d you come in here?”
The moth says,”Your light was on.”
To get to the bottom!
(Proudly told to me by my 4 year old son. Brought a tear to my eye)
Son (12 y/o) comes up the stairs after watching TV for a while, looks at the clock and says, "It feels like it's need 1:49 forever."
Thinking it's oddly specific to be a time down to the minute 'forever', I turn and look at the clock then turn back to my son and say, "Maybe you're stuck in a time loop."
He responds, "If I'm stuck in a time loop why didn't the TV show just keep repeating over and over?"
I turn and look at the clock then turn back to my son and say, "Maybe you're stuck in a time loop."
He rolls his eyes, groans, and goes back down the stairs wondering why he bothers talking to me.
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
For me, it is when anything could even possibly be misconstrued as racist or sexual I tell my wife and kids, "That was my nickname in high school."
Can we have Italian sausage for dinner? You know, Italian sausage was my nickname in high school.
When my son was 6 or 7, he looked at my wife and asked "how come daddy had so many nicknames in high school?"
I could hear her eyes roll from across the room.
The father replies, “It becomes a fsh.”
This happened a few years ago when my son was 6ish. When my kids hurt themselves and it doesn’t look serious I always do the “we might have to amputate that bruised hand” shtick with them. I’ve done it enough that they now roll their eyes.
So, my son got hit lightly in the face with a rubber ball. It wasn’t a hard hit and I could tell he was more upset by the shock of it rather than the pain. So I say “looks like we will have to amputate your nose.” To which he replies “then how will I smell?” And I say “terrible!”
It was my greatest dad joke ever. I felt like I could retire after that.
Dad: Knock knock
Son: (rolls eyes)
Dad: This is where you say who's there
Son: (rolls eyes again) who's there?
Dad: micromanager
Dad: this is where you say micromanager who
I was puttering around the kitchen legit just now when my dad came in and said: "Hey, son; I got you a new--well, a used iPad."
I turn, really surprised, until he hands me a rather dusty and faded blue eye cover for sleeping.
"It's a used eye pad," he said, eyes full of that "I found a really bad dad joke" delight.
.....
.....Bless my dad's soul.
