Soccer coach to newbie: "Basically, you kick this ball down the field and try to get it into that big net at the end."

"That's the goal at least."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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I'm in love with soccer balls.

I get a real kick out of them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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I was playing soccer and wondered how they could kick the ball so far

Then it hit me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fab-_-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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A soccer ball walks into a bar..

The bartender kicked him out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lavacadotoast
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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I bought my son a soccer ball. Why?

My wife: I already have so much stuff for his birthday. Why did you buy this soccer ball?

Me: Just for kicks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marfalump
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2016
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Dadjoked my wife when she purchased 2-packs of inflating needles so my son could pump up his soccer balls.

Wife: Last time I bought these, they were packaged 3 to a pack, but now they only come 2 per pack. Me: Sheesh....talk about inflation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EevelBob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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Help I'm announcing a high school soccer banquet tonight and need some dad jokes

Greeting, I'm the MC at a small high school soccer banquet this evening and need some humor help. I play rugby and my son plays soccer so any little digs I can get about that would be helpful too. We are American and I don't know any pro soccer player so please refrain on specific players. Thanks in advance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hals318
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2016
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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6 year old got me last night...

Why is Cinderella a bad soccer player?

Because she runs away from the ball.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bacch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2015
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Dad Joked my wife

At my son's soccer practice, I noticed that one kid was kicking the ball with his left foot. (That's hard to learn for right handed/right leg dominant kids). his mom piped up and told me the kid was ambidextrous. I looked at my wife and said "or is he ambifootstrous?"

She groaned, but the other mom laughed. :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidTigerFan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2014
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A soccer referee told me this one during my game an hour ago

(A bit of context first, but you can skip this paragraph if you want). An hour or so ago, I was playing a div 1 co-ed soccer game. Since our captain wasn't there, I was the one talking to the ref, signing the game sheet, providing the game ball, and all that. At some point during the game, one of our guys shot the ball and it rebounded off, giving us a corner. However, none of our guys were going to get the ball as if they thought it was the other team's ball. I yelled at my team "Guys, it's our corner!"

The ref turned to me and laughed, and said "They need to concentrate". I said "No kidding, huh?" He then turned to me with a pre-dadjoke smile and asked me "Why didn't the orange juice pass its exam? ... It couldn't concentrate."

It was in that moment that I knew this grey haired, bearded man was a father of at least one child. He didn't even look back for a reaction, he just turned with his dad smile, knowing full well that the joke has merit enough on its own regardless of a reaction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearkin1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2013
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Overheard while having lunch in a shopping mall...

Dad to his son: "Did you see that really expensive football? (soccer) Son to Dad "Yeah! It's the world cup ball!" Dad to Son "Well what are they going to play with at the world cup then?!"

He laughed for a long time. So did I.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sprucay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2014
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