There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
I call my wife Doe and she calls me Buck. My friend thought this was weird, so I had to explain...
They're terms of endeerment.
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
My kid told me they are transgender; so I turned invisible.
Because now, I'm a transparent.
So I peed on my college application and submitted it to get into my choice college. Guess what they told me?
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
So I was talking to my mom at dinner, and she was saying how she talked to her friend right before, so she told me “I called Ryan earlier...”
Confused, I said “Why’d you call him earlier when his name’s Ryan??”
Being a parent is hard - my son won't ever let me have a good night's sleep; so when my wife came home the other day and asked why I was so red...
I told her I was just completely sunburnt
My wife has been cold to me lately, so I figured a hobby might make her more receptive to my advances. I figured why not stamp collecting? Well, I learned an important lesson...
Philately will get you nowhere
So my hotel just tried to charge me ten extra dollars for air conditioning..
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole a wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
I've been depreased recently, so my wife said she was going to make a selection of Middle Eastern food to help cheer me up.
Instead she just made me falafel.
So I asked the employee if I could see the clock for sale, so she gave it to me. I asked my dad if I could buy it.
My dad said “we don’t have Time for that, we’re gonna leave any Second now, so Hand it back to the lady and head back to Hour car”
I am sick and tired of people calling me lazy, so I'm going to kill myself.
But, the gun is all the way over there.
So anyways the barista Taylor goes to hand me my drink....
And I said "thanks a latte."
My daughter wanted to help me make some bread, so she offered to "proof" the dough for me.
"Really?"
"Sure," she said.
"It's the yeast I can do."
so someone threw a bottle of mayo at me, ...
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
My wife asked me why I spent so long on the toilet today...
I told her there was a backlog.
People ask me how I stay so down to earth...
I tell them the answer has certain gravity to it.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
When I was a kid, I was so ugly, my mother took me everywhere....
....just so, she wouldn't have to kiss me goodbye.
My friends ask me why do I see the world with so much negativity.
I tell them that I am short-sighted.
My wife looked at me beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son could go so far!”
I said, “I know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair
She’ll come crawling back soon enough
So today my five-year-old daughter made me proud...
She was eating watermelon, and she wanted to know how much it cost. (She's obsessed with prices lately.) I asked her how much she thought it cost, and she said, "I don't know, a melon dollars?"
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
I was talking to my neighbor's wife and she told me that her dog had bit her husband, so they had to put him down.
Then she asked if I could take out the trash weekly.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.
The sky looked a bit foreboding this morning, so I asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?" Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley."
I must have left my phone in Airplane mode.
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"
He'll come around eventually
My girlfriend recently dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back
Sleeping comes so naturally to me.
I could do it with my eyes closed.
I once debated a flat earthed. He got me so mad I stormed off, saying I'd come back around eventually.
You could say I went over the edge.
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