Tried some viagra in the bedroom with my wife but it got stuck in my throat
I've had a stiff neck for a week
I got my pet sloth some fries
Apparently he doesn't like fast foods
If you got married and they didn’t play “she’s some kind of wonderful” at the reception did you really get married?
Got a email today from a 'Bored Housewife, 32, looking for some action."
I've sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.
My wife told me she got some paint in her eye
I said damn, did it make you color blind?
I asked my boss Juan for some time off and all I got was a little cow.
I just wanted a little vaca.
Earlier my friend used to play Badminton but then he got some training. Now he plays Goodminton.
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
I was really scared when I got lost climbing some mountains recently, but I found a map, a topographical map...
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
My wife and I went out for dinner and ended up with food poisoning. She ate some bad chicken and got salmonella
while I ate some bad salmon and got chickenella.
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
I got a sore throat after eating some Christmas decorations.
I had to get my tinsels taken out.
A man named six gave his friends three and five some chocolate bars. Three got 7 chocolate bars and five got eight of them. Three was upset he had less than five did, and five was sad that his friend was sad, so he asked six if three could have another chocolate bar.
He gave one to three for five
Last night I was arguing to my wife about who should keep our children in the divorce and I got angry and threw some trifle at her
She ended up getting custardy
First I got to run some errands and then I will
I just got some keys cut...
He must be really good, his shop is lined with trophies.
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...
I got some new Star Trek garden insecticide
It's called Leonard Neem Oil
Just got back from riding some go karts with my son.
We had a wheely good time.
Got some 24 carrot gold right here 😎
I got in a fist fight with some movers and won
They were terrible boxers
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
I'd say that's some good Shelf-awareness he got there.
Just got back from an interview as a housesitter. The lady said it involved some light housekeeping.
I've answered 'I've never kept a lighthouse before, but I'm willing to try'.
She said she'll give me a call.
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
I've got to do some painting tomorrow.
So I decided to brush up on the basics.
Tried this on daddit and it was not well received, got a hard eye roll and a giggle from my daughter, am I doing this right? I need some help with my leeky bowl.
I was going to get a tattoo in Madrid, but the tattoo artist I wanted to go to got in trouble for making some anti government tattoo art, which was quite a surprise
No one expects the Spanish ink sedition
That tree’s got some wood
I think my friend who owns the apiary got into some poison ivy or something during a hike in the woods...
I was singing in the shower tonight when I unexpectedly got some soap in my mouth.
Suddenly it became a soap opera.
Dad: See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo
Mom: Oh cool! It's... uh?
Dad: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Mom: Well, uh, the line work is certainly...
Dad: Don't touch the thermos tat
I went to a dinner party yesterday. The hosts are chefs and made all kinds of food, buffet style. I arrived early had some hors d'oeuvres. Then I realized I was thirsty, and I wanted to try the mixed juice drink. At this point everyone else was getting food, so I walked right up and got a cup...
I went and got some of my hair dyed blonde.
It was the highlight of my day.
we’ve got some concrete evidence
Got together with some family for a devour some BBQ today
"Hey Son, thanks for letting me borrow your car. By the way I got some water in the carburator." "Where's my car?"
Some filmmakers were secretly trying to murder the lead actor in a low-budget flick, but he got wind of the plot and managed to escape. They took the existing footage and shopped it to different producers, but it was roundly rejected by everyone for the same reason.
I heard some Muslims in Ecuador got malaria
They were bitten by mosque-Quitos
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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