Slowest Puns

I guess it's my own fault for using the self service checkout lane.

He took nearly 6 years to almost finish a race

Egypt. They’re in denial.

Bride: Someone get this idiot off my dress.

Using an esca-late-or.

The bear minimum speed is 25 mph?

I filmed it and turned it into a gif.

"Food, usually," I replied.

My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean mentally, he just doesn’t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.

He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showers…we had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.

The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesn’t go faster. We can feed him and he’ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and he’ll just sit there for longer.

I’ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he won’t change. But my wife can’t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:

“I’ve had it with him! I’m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!”

“Honey,” I said, “it’ll never work.”

“Why not?!”

“Because you can’t rush Art.”

The slowest swimmer.

... because he really loves that Slowest Lane

Dad: Take my advice ...

...I'm not using it ———————————————

Every time my step Dad comes up with a foolproof solution..

along comes a more-talented fool

..dad

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When I married Ms. Right...

I had no idea her first name was Always.

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My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test

The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

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He who laughs last

...thinks slowest.

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Women sometimes make fools of men

...but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

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I was going to give her the nasty look

..but she already had one.

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Change is inevitable

...except from a vending machine.

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The grass may be greener on the other side

...but at least you don't have to mow it.

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So my daughter is the slowest person I know when it comes to getting ready for everything (especially getting ready for school). We went out to eat last week and when we were done I picked up the pepper shaker and told her that maybe I should sprinkle some in her shoes in the morning. Confused, she asks "Why?" So I says to her, I says "to put a little pep in yo step" she was not amused :/

I was at work today speaking with a few of my coworkers when we start talking about lunch. Two of my coworkers start talking about fast food restaurants they like going to when:

CW: I try not to eat fast food, but I really can’t help myself sometimes!

Me: I try to eat the slowest food possible, which is why I exclusively eat Tortoises.

CW: Well, all of—

It took them a couple seconds, but when they all looked at me with that “oh my gosh, you said what?” look, it made it all worth it.

Falling rock signs along roads on mountains.

D: Did you see it? Slowest falling rock there is!