How did the sleeper rank so highly on the test?

He was in the nighty-night percentile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCBananacheese
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.

I sleep in the dark.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corgi52
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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My wife and I are both diagonal sleepers.

We have X every night.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mydisillusion
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
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The sleeper agent dad

My family and I were out for brunch at a somewhat fancy hotel restaurant. It was a buffet and they had set up the desserts in the wine cellar/room.

My dad, nearing the end of his meal, asks "Where's the dessert?"

I point and say, "In the wine cellar" but in between the cellar and me is my mom and it looks like I'm pointing to her.

Dad responds with, "Sell her? I still need her though."

I sat there a little awestruck since he's never really been one to utter puns. I crack them all the time but I guess every dad has dad jokes in them; they're just waiting for the right time.

πŸ‘︎ 725
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tunzor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
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My friend is a professional sleeper.

He's living the dream!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyNuggets
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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My wife and I are sound sleepers...

She gets the sound, and I get the sleep.

Told by a family friend, who is a dad and a snorer.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chandru1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
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Restless sleeper

I take a while to get into a comfortable position before I can't fall asleep, flipping onto my sides, front and back. The other night the wife complained and I was like "Hey baby, that's just how I roll".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevieraypwn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
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I break every bed I lie down on...

Guess I must be a heavy sleeper

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oil_moon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Why was the person with insomnia taken into custody?

They were resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 736
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Famoustitles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2016
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Dad went to bed, then came downstairs 5 minutes later to ask if I got his text

Check my phone,

"iTired...there's a nap for that"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/giantantreal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
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Why can’t you shout in a wood shop?

Because you’ll wake the sleepers.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KetchupGaming115
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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Bedtime for newborn

My wife was changing our 7-week-old’s clothes before bed and she picked up a footless sleeper onesie.

Wife: β€œWho bought this for us? I don’t even know why they make them like this.” Me: β€œYeah, and I can’t believe they could even find one in the stores. That’s no small feet!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kangaroo_Quart
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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Just got me teen daughter

Her: I'm surprised Zhanna didn't wake up. I guess she is a heavier sleeper.

Me: Hmmmm, no. I think you weigh about the same.

Cue eye roll.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ponczy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2015
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