For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.

It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/graceful_ox
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 11 2020
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In my sleep I once dreamt I was sad and alone

Some would say I'm living the dream.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 27
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Puff_TheMagic_Dragon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 15 2020
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What size of bed did Freddie Mercury sleep in?

Queen

πŸ‘οΈŽ 23
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/moralTortilla
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 11 2020
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I wrote a book about the most comfortable ways to sleep in a coffin.

They wouldn't publish it though, the publisher said that the intended audience was a dead market.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MrsNacho8000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 24 2020
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I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep

Not screaming like the people in the back of his car.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 55
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/professorf
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 30 2020
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Warning: Don't sleep beneath someone sleeping in a hammock...

...or you'll be under a rest.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BonetoneJJ
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 03 2020
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When I have sleep paralysis this is what I see in the CORNer
πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/suckmyasspleasethank
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 19 2020
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My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KingJiggaMan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 17 2019
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When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. ...

... Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 52
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MetalButterflySocks
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 09 2020
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When my British friend goes out in the wilderness, he sleeps in his car trunk...

He calls it boot camp.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do plumbers experience in their sleep?

Pipe dreams.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 19 2020
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What do you call a country in which people sleep all the time?

a hibernation

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/XerevoFaris76
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 28 2019
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I put my phone under my pillow last night and went to sleep. When I woke up it was gone and a pound coin was in its place

Damn that Bluetooth Fairy

πŸ‘οΈŽ 23
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 03 2019
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Tall people sleep longer in bed

friend of mine told me this today. I wanted to share

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ggwp_0001
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 09 2019
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A woman was found guilty and the judge declared she will serve 10 years in prison or she can sleep with him. He got in trouble for

Ending a sentence with a proposition.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 03 2019
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At any point in time the urge to sing *’A Lion Sleeps Tonight’* is just a....

Whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away....

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ItshaPrawn1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 20 2019
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Why does a heron sleep with one leg in the air?

Because if it would lift the other leg it would fall.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Lil_Pask
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 28 2019
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I heard my teenager mumbling in her sleep. She kept repeating, "1,3,5,7,9"

Literally she can't even.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 999
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 05 2018
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Do you know why Melania wont sleep in the same bed as Donald?

He refuses to stop Putin

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 05 2019
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What happens when you sleep in Death's bed?

You will have to face the reaper-cushions

πŸ‘οΈŽ 28
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Erikjb12
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a shirt you sleep in?

A ZZZ Top

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Thorazine222
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 04 2019
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My pregnant wife keeps yelling, β€œNever say Never” in her sleep.

I think she’s having contradictions.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 30 2019
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What type soda do you get covered in if you sleep under the stars?

Mountain Dew

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jakewilson801
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 07 2019
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was sleeping at my girlfriends place last night, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep in the same bed... It made me proper angry because he’s actually really handsome. reddit.com/r/teenagers/co…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 82
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FonnixFTW
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 06 2019
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(In honor of my cake day, the one that makes my kids groan the most) When I die, I want to go like my grandfather: in my sleep.

Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 33
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tpodr
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 03 2018
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Funny world we live in. If a woman sleeps with 10 guys in a week, she’s a slut. But if a man does it he’s...

Probably gay.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/willers1080
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?

It would be total bedlam!!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Skididlydoo
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 19 2019
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I was gonna sleep in all day

Then it dawned on me

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/remaincunt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 12 2019
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Why did the dad sleep out in the woods last night?

Because he saw a sign there saying: For-rest

πŸ‘οΈŽ 26
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 23 2018
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Why kids do not sleep in noon anymore?

Because they don't want to be kidnap...

Okay sorry.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JustALonelyCat
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 14 2018
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Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.

They were called "Knight Lights"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Subscribe_to_Sam24
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 21 2019
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My wife keeps telling me that I talk in my sleep, but I don’t believe her.

No one at work ever mentioned it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2019
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What kind of horses run in your sleep?

Nightmares

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jakewilson801
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 08 2018
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I've got "a lion sleeps tonight" stuck in my head.

I'm just a wimb-a-way from singing it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AVeryLONGPotato
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 22 2018
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Went to see my French friend, but when I got there he said there were no bedrooms left and I had to sleep in the basement.

Oh well, c'ellar vie.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 27 2018
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Talking in your sleep...

...could be called Napchat.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Toeknuckles
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Told my family I was telling jokes in my sleep and woke up with a sore neck.

That's what I get for sleeping funny on it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/reydeguitarra
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 20 2018
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I named the dog that sleeps in my car "Rug".

He's a car-pet.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 27
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AlduinIsAGeordie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 02 2018
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Where do men in religious Holy Orders sleep at night?

In monk beds

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Red_Storm_Breaking
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 03 2018
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When I was in jail, I got a lot of sleep.

I was a rest ed.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ambisinister_sloth
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 24 2018
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What do you call a country full of naked, alcohol drinking bears who sleep in winter and live on a mountain?

Hibearnation

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/edtdir
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the man have to sleep under a bridge in Romania?

He forgot to Book-A-Rest

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/edc0013
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 14 2018
🚨︎ report
TIL how babies are able to breastfeed in their sleep

Muscle mammary.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bondjimbond
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 08 2018
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What do you call the people in your family who sleeps all the time?

Well, obviously they're napkin.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GIGAR
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 19 2017
🚨︎ report
My Dad refused to sleep in the top bunk as a child.

It kept him up at night.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jaksida
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon have a little Baby Balloon and for the first few weeks, he sleeps in the same bed with Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon…

…but as he grows older and bigger, Daddy Balloon insists he sleeps in his own bed.

Baby Balloon doesn't like being all alone, he misses his Mommy and Daddy so much, that after a few nights, he tries to sneak back into Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon's bed, only to find that he had grown too big to fit in the bed with them!

He decides to let some air out of Mommy Balloon, but there's still not enough room, so he let's some air out of Daddy Balloon, but again there's not enough room, so he lets some air out of himself and finally he fits into the bed!

Well, the following morning Daddy Balloon is furious!

"I am very disappointed with you!" says Daddy Balloon. "Not only have you let your Mother down, but you have let me down and let yourself down!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 17 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad is a dad even in his sleep.

This evening I was sitting on the couch with my sister doing some paperwork and my dad sleeping next to me. I started playing a game on my phone which was making the movie hard to hear so my sister said "can you not?" And my dad replied from his slumber "no but I can tie" and returned to sleeping. I started laughing hysterically but my sister didn't get it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 113
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/0510521
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 10 2013
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This was funnier in my sleep....

I told my dog a joke while throwing a ball. He didn't get it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/eyunzicker
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 08 2017
🚨︎ report
I decorated where my horse sleeps in the barn.

It's pretty stable.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/poohonhead
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 28 2017
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Got the wife in my sleep

Wife wakes up.

Wife: That was the worst night's sleep I've ever had.

Me: And the worst part is, it's not over yet! Rolls over and goes back to sleep.

The wife began her roll out of bed with her eyes.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 141
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ign1fy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 18 2015
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If you make your bed, you might as well sleep in it.

I was asking my parents' permission to go on vacation with my friends at our condo on the coast.

Mom says, "Sure that's fine! That means you get to sleep in the master bedroom for the first time!"

I respond, "Yeah, I probably won't though... I mean that's your bed so I don't think I'd really be... comfortable."

Dad says, "Well then you better not sleep on the kitchen table either!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 256
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Ooklah_the_Punk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 19 2013
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Did you hear about the farmer who let his pig sleep in his bed with him?

He was tossing and turning all night.

I guess you could say the pig was a real...bed hog.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SkyMuffin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Wife told me "you must not have slept well, you kept talking about potassium in your sleep last night."

I replied: "Do you know where I buy all my potassium?"

"no... where?"

"K-Mart"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DeepSkull
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 20 2014
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Girlfriend dadjoked me in her sleep...

I woke up in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's arm in my face. It was positioned in such a way that her elbow was right near my head. Being half asleep, I sat up, picked her arm up and said:

Me: "Baby, this is your elbow" (while moving her arm)

Her: "I hope it stays that way for a very long time..."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 40
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tallsuperman
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 18 2014
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I thought of this dad joke IN MY SLEEP.

"Do kangaroos use kangaroo-th paste to brush their teeth?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LDawg618
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 14 2016
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I dadjoked myself in my sleep.

I had a dream that I ordered new underwear, but the package was lost in transit. So I emailed them.

The reply email from the company started "Let's be brief…"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/smgeier
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 25 2015
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Wife (In reference to our unborn child): She's been kicking all day. She won't let me sleep!

Me: I guess you can say... she gets a kick out of it!

YEAHHHHHH!! (I didn't actually do this part, but it played in my head.)

Wife: groans go to sleep.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lance713
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 21 2015
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my partner talked in his sleep last night

He usually mumbles something. But last night he said vividly: "That is the worst dad joke I've ever heard."

I think I need to stop telling dad jokes

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tbw875
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Why do dragons sleep in the day?

To fight (k)nights!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gwacy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 30 2013
🚨︎ report
I want to die in my sleep, just like my grandpa did...

Unlike the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 24 2020
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I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.

Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ihasanali
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep the other night.

She almost poked my eye out.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 78
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/daveorruk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My mute wife keeps talking in her sleep.

Damn near poked my eye out last night!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 609
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PhotosNMotion41
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 05 2019
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Did you know tall people sleep longer in bed?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/danyodaddyo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 07 2019
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa; not screaming in terror like the passengers in the car he was driving.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/clelwell
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
When I die, I want to go peacefully and calmly in my sleep...

Not screaming like everyone else in the car.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 37
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/OilPhilter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2019
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I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa

Not screaming like the passengers in the car.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 61
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/melance
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2018
🚨︎ report
When I die I want it to be in my sleep, just like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like the other 3 people in the car

πŸ‘οΈŽ 31
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BATHTUBISREAL
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 19 2019
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I want to die like my grandpa, peacefully in my sleep

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/slvrdiver
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
When I die, I want to go out in my sleep like my Grandpa.

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Scathyr
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming and yelling like the other people in the car with him.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 97
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/greymoney
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 09 2018
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not panicking, like his passengers.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 35
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gt0t
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Do you sleep in your pajamas?

No, I sleep in my bed.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/paulinkenbrandt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 16 2018
🚨︎ report

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