When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.
She shook her finger at me, "You better watch this lazy attitude you've had lately, mister, or you're gonna to make me do something I'll regret!"
"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a bj out of this."
Do you think Sir Lancelot was good at jousting? Or just really liked it.
Tenfold
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since
The grape. He was the only one who went raisin.
It's called - Hairy Potter.
Me grammar sucks and i is imaginary.
A share riff.
Snore patrol
It's catching.
Nevermind, that was raw. Let me cook something else up.
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
Me: "I've been getting better at biking with no hands"
Mum: "That's a handy skill"
Me: "Actually it's a no handy skill"
Horning
They knead it
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants
I mean, screw that noise.
I'm a military vet!
I really need to hone them.
That's just mean.
I was driving people bananas.
It was A Major task but I can only C Minor improvement.
You can make a car ear doing it
http://imgur.com/p8zGyin
A Rapscallion
She was have trouble with the question so she just googled the answer and wrote it down. I told her that I was leaving her. Why she asked me. I told you I would leave you if you ever cheated on me.
I will find you, I have contacts
“I can’t hear you.”
The skill is developing in this one. So proud.
Thyme management
"Thanks" I said "I kneaded that"
"Let me show you how to make an egg roll, son."
Picks an egg
"Take an egg, put it on the table, and just push it!"
One could say I'm a hardcore parker.
They call him Darth Vedder.
A Neck Romancer
He wanted to be batter.
One's a home owner and the other's an ohm honer.
But when I was about to show them, the software crashed midway and I could do nothing about it.
It destroyed my image.
They were chess nuts boasting in a open foyer.
You have to be skilled in Al-dente-fication
A ruler
so every night he could go brush up his skills
Good writtens!
But he came unarmed :/
She replied "Literally who?"
You have my Word.
Notworking
It was a stunning performance.
[Mom, dad, SO, I eating Chinese food before Billy Joel concert]
[Finishing up, dad notices bunch of fortune cookies left in the box to be thrown out]
Dad: "You gonna throw all these away?"
Mom: "...are you gonna eat all of them?"
Me: "No reason to throw them out, they're worth a fortune.........."
.......It sounded much better before I typed it all out, I hope it comes across as good as it did that night.
In no time, I was HI-YA'd!
Nailed it.
Brother: Hey, can I take a shower?
Dad: As long as you put it back when you're done with it.
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
Judge Judo
On the weekends, my roomie and I head to the cleaners to do our laundry. We were folding our clothes and towels away when he commented on how fancy I fold my towels, similar to how some hotels chains have theirs folded. He asked where I learned to fold towels like that when I said "Oh, its just a natural towel-lent of mine"
Popcorn.
(Credit goes to Puppy Dog Pals I watched with my daughter today)
She seamstressed but she’ll get it done. However her skills are only sew sew.
A man fancies himself skilled at writing puns, so when a local newspaper offered $5000 to whomever could write the best pun, the man thought he'd make some quick cash. He spent the next day writing puns and picked out the ten best ones to send in to the newspaper. He figured that at least one of the ten he submitted would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
Friend: Text me when you have time.
Me: When you have time.
Friend: ...
It was a draw.
My dad asked me how my very first arduino program was going.
Me: "I made an LED blink!!"
Dad: "Wow, I think I would definitely lose a staring contest with an LED."
My wife and I were enjoying coffee this morning when I asked her what kind it was. My daughter said "It's hazelnut coffee! Right, Mommy?" My wife said "No. Way off." To which my daughter replied "Way off coffee?"
It's called "Hairy Potter".
Me: "I've been getting better at biking with no hands"
Mum: "That's a handy skill"
Me: "Actually it's a no handy skill"
She said “urinate”
Really don't understand why he told me to urinate on a skeleton.
I will find you. You have my Word.
You have my Word.
