And the guy says “how many tattoos I have now”
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
A panicure
Man, I'm thor.
Zumba
Thanks doc, it was so hard keeping all that under wraps
The pleasure was all mine.
and not folding@home?
So far, their decisions have been ruthless.
Come to think of IT.
There were just too many elephants in the room
The debate was Ruthless.
I'm starting to think the therapist didn't make a spelling mistake.
“All writhe”
With an Orcasm
Ice breaking session
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡He told me to hang upside down from a tree branch and curl my arms behind my back.
I said “weird flex but OK”
I told him I wasn’t comfortable with this, and now he’s accusing me of being lack-toes intolerant.
He doesn't realise I've Reddit.
They were all jelly
Luckly she was freelance so her hours were flexible
Upon arrival he said, "Cut me some slack man!"
I picked it up really well.
...and we have players from all over the world.
Last night, the team from Madrid cleaned up, they got 100%. Everyone was completely shocked.
Nobody expected the Spanish in our Quiz Session.
After the trainer vowed she would leave no Stern untoned.
(Right before I leave)
Mom:Be safe driving over there
Me: Ok, Mom
Dad: Be safe deriving over there
Me: Goddamnit
I’m taking away something valuable from each session.
Found jew!
We call it our Con Den session.
Scene: Bf was getting ready for a skate session and discovered a tiny pocket in the back on the waistband of his shorts intended for keys.
Me: Don't put your keys there, you might fall and get stabbed in the kidneys.
Bf: It's cool, I still have two adult knees.
Me: Oh my god.
A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?" The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"
After 30 minutes of the session the mother says, “I’m going to go. My back is really sore.”
The son replies, “Namaste.”
It was a ConSession.
I'm in the process of getting a show on the local public access channel started. It's going to be a weekly recording studio session that showcases local bands. Most of the paperwork is done, I just need a snappy title. The best I can come up with is "The Here Canal," but I think /r/puns can do better!
I'm currently running my players through a D&D adventure titled "Curse of Strahd".
Last session, my players found a journal revealing details about the main villain, Count Strahd Von Zarovich. When they acquired it, I passed the adventure book over--opened up to an illustration depicting the journal's pages--and one of the players proceeded to read. After struggling for a bit, he said, "I'm having a tough time reading this cause it's so cursive."
Yes," I responded. "It's the cursive Strahd."
I had that one chambered and ready for weeks, just waiting for the right moment.
What my players don't know is that I'm also going to include a few other bits of flavor for my them to find as they progress through the game:
- A fancy handbag with the initials "SVZ" hammered into the leather... the "purse of Strahd"
- A grave in which the Von Zarovich family nanny is buried... the "nurse of Strahd"
- A carriage very obviously built to accommodate Strahd's coffin... the "hearse of Strahd"
- A book full of poetry written during Strahd's younger days, before he was consumed by darkness... the "verse of Strahd"
So I'm in this DnD party. There are six of us including the DM. Chris is the DM, and the other major player here is Shawn: what you need to know about him is that his character has three arms, plus a bionic one.
Chris: after Shawn has been attacked by a flying enemy and thrown off a pier So you're now in the water. What are you going to do?
Shawn: Does this affect my bionic arm?
Chris: No, you waterproofed it last session, remember?
Shawn: Oh, right. That's handy.
All: groan
I responded "Would you say you excel at it?"
The collective groan of everyone else during the training session made it all worth it
We're having a jam session.
DM'ING a D & D session. Player 1: Talking about one of the books There's no appendix in this book? Player 2: No, the appendix was removed.
My brother swallowed wrong, causing him to go into a cough session.
Brother: cough cough
Dad: Do you hold dead people?
My brother and I give him a confused look
Dad: Because your coffin
With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. The following experience was a first for me, and I hope you won't mind my "preaching" to you about it.
As you may know, a few of us have been known to come close to brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session".
Well, two days ago Christina and I were out for an evening with friends. We had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. I was feeling jolly, but I still had the sense to know that I was probably over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before in my entire life - I took a cab home. Well, Christina doesn't drive so this seemed the logical option.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police sobriety checkpoint, but since we were in a cab they waved us through and we arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it. Any advice?
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!
My dad is a trainer. In one of his training session, during introduction, a guy introduced himself and said, "I am in properties"(referring to his business). Dad replied,"Wonderful! I am in properties as well." "How", the guy asked. Dad said, "What do you call a 1 BHK apartment? A property. Right?" "I live in a 4 BHK." The guy stood up and left the room.
