What do a mechanic and a lesbian have in common?

Snap-On tools!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thirteen_20
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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What do you call a Turkish car mechanic?

Automan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahamsoomro
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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Mechanic: You should give your car a spoiler to improve its handling.

Me: Iron Man dies at the end.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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The rather oppressive female mechanic was trying to sell me 5 new manual transmissions

Luckily, I managed to escape her clutches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnolife
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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I'm going to have to fire my mechanic. He's always losing track of time.

And "Temporal Mechanics" is a dumb name for a company anyway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toadfinger
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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If your vehicle breaks down in California, make sure your mechanic uses the state flag to check your oil ...

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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The mechanic told me that he fixed the elevator

That was uplifting news

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrQuackalotOWO
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Someone recently came back from surgery after an accident with their eye. They got a new eye and a mechanical cover that can shine light while covering the eye

The doctors called it eyeLEDs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TestSubject_02
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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My mechanic tells me my engine keeps stalling because of excess friction.

Now I know I'm getting some wear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavideoandPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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I would tell a joke about quantum mechanics...

But if you saw it, it wouldn't be as good

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πŸ‘€︎ u/djbodford1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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I asked my mechanic why everyone made fun of what was on my wheel

He said "It's a tire."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NetScr1be
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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My mechanic said there was nothing wrong with my...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swion
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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What fish makes the best mechanic?

TunerFish! My son came up with that one yesterday, future smart ass dad in training.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/v650
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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I brought my car to a mechanic and asked him, β€œDo you have any idea why my car is humming?”

He replied, β€œProbably because it doesn’t know all the lyrics.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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The first animal to be mechanically milked must've been pumped.

I know it's an old joke, I'm just milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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A Penguin sent his car off to the mechanic before going to the ice cream shop...

He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.

Mechanic: It looks like you blew a seal.

Penguin: Ah no that’s just ice cream.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JalepenoPeppers
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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I like the uniform mechanics wear...

Overall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmperorOfFabulous
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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What is a mechanic's wet dream

MΓΆtorhead

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SebastianLi1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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I lost my pizza cutter so I had to use a Bryan Adams CD instead

In case anyone is wondering it cuts like a knife

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdolsa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Part of me thinks cognitive dissonance can be a useful coping mechanism

... but another part of me disagrees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jawn317
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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I took my car to the shop today because my tire was making a whistling noise

Mechanic: sounds like a flat

Me: actually sounds more like an F-sharp to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dexter992
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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My teacher is giving a lecture on the mechanisms of drilling

So far, I find it very boring

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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Did you hear about the mechanic that got addicted to drinking brake fluid?

He said he could stop any time he wants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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How do you call a group of mechanics?

Carmen. I'll show myself out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chaisz3r0
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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Worst movie title idea - Temporal Mechanics:

The Early Years.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toadfinger
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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A mechanic fell asleep and was crushed when another mechanic didn’t see him and lowered the lift. Cause of death? He was tire’d.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigreye007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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An old car was asked by a mechanic if it wanted its wheels replaced...

It replied "no thanks, I've just retired."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mindyourtongueboi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Is_A_Healer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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What does a mechanical frog say?

Rivet...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oftenoffend
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Queentum mechanics.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EkskiuTwentyTwo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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I just picked up my car from the mechanic...

I’d love to say they did a good job, but it feels like it’s really braking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PHPWarrior
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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A baby born now, in 2033, will be a...

Quaran-teen

Source: My local mechanic, bless his heart

http://imgur.com/gallery/XYWedTN

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoneBullseye
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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I saw a mechanic fixing the tailpipe of a car

It looked exhausting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bettercallbert
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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Hear about the mute bicycle mechanic?

Hear about the mute bicycle mechanic?

He picked up a wheel and spoke πŸ˜‚

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πŸ‘€︎ u/__MrJ__
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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My father, the elevator mechanic

My father has been working as an elevator mechanic most of his life. Whenever people ask him how work is going he says "It has its ups and downs" Hes been making this joke for 27 years

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lancerfan55
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2014
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Dora and Diego visit the North West in winter

Dora and Diego travel to the Pacific Northwest in the middle of winter. Suddenly they realise that there is a problem with their car, so they quickly pull into a nearby garage. The mechanic comes out and asks them "so what's wrong with your car?" Dora replies:

"Wiper no Wiping!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eldukae
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Why do dad jokes about quantum mechanics never work?

You cant know if theres a punch line or a punch wave

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Innarhythm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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Understanding Quantum Mechanics is both a blessing and a curse.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DisRuptive1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
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Did you hear about the large petrol truck that liked to fix gadgets and mechanical toys?

He was just tankering.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitfrenzy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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3 engineers were arguing about who designed the human body

1: it has to be a CompSci engineer, judging by the brain’s complexity

2: you’re wrong, it was a Mechanics engineer, look at the muscle and skeleton systems working as one

3: you’re both wrong, it was an Urban Planner, otherwise waste and entertainment areas wouldn’t be adjacent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstharothaZe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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In my life I've been a maintenance mechanic, a make-up artist, a media director, a mender, a metre inspector, a microcomputer support specialist, a mill helper, a mirror installer, a music librarian and a mortician investigator.

That's my Mployment record.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.

Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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What does the sex hungry mechanic do in the bedroom?

He nuts and bolts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spider_Dimwit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."

Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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How did the mechanical frog greet his friends?

Rivet rivet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TickleMeWeenus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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